It feels like nobody cares?

I never had any expectations from friends or family as far as gifts,excitement, or a shower. It was never even a thought.

I do think there are two issues here... First...the shower. I think, unless you have a really small age range, it would be incredibly difficult to have a shower before placement. Really...even an age range of 0-2 might mean you would end up with a ton of stuff you might never use. (You could get 18 mo twins that stay forever the first placement...who knows???) Even after placement, as others have said, you really have no idea how long they will stay. And your next age might be different! The second issue is that your friends and family are just not responding like you'd like for them to. And that, to me, is the biggest issue of all. I'm sure it is true that they just don't understand exactly what this means to you. They are not looking at this as "you becoming a mother" and might even be afraid of you being hurt in the process. Try to hold on to your excitement and know that, as others have said, a real child is much easier for people to respond to than one they can't picture. I hope eventually they will meet you where you are, and join in your joy. In the meantime, try to keep your own counsel and hang on to your excitement! You're almost there!!

Part of it could also be an understanding by others that a child becomes a foster child as a result of something tragic. And if that foster child becomes an adopted child, there is a good bet that the child was a victim of something very bad. Celebrating the child's pending good fortune (of being placed with you in a loving home) oddly ignores the dark side of this complicated process. As foster/adoptive parents, we experience joy and happiness by being able to love and adore these precious children...and that is wonderful. But becoming a foster child is anything but wonderful. A party to celebrate the arrival of a foster child may strike some as inappropriate. And especially once a child has arrived, in the event the child is old enough to comprehend what is happening, a shower involving gifts and celebration could be confusing if not heartbreaking. I'm sorry you are hurt, but it is likely that people are just unsure how to approach this unique situation. A shower to celebrate a newborn baby is the celebration of a purely wonderful process. A shower to "celebrate" a child coming into foster care may make people cringe because, unlike birth, it is NOT wonderful but incredibly sad and unfortunate. It's all a matter of perspective. That said, I hope you receive all of the love and support you need when you have a child, and I'm sure that child will be incredibly lucky to have you!

Thanks for all the replies. I should say, I don't really expect a shower. I was more venting that it feels kind of like I'm getting "jipped" of the new mothering things. Does that make sense?Yeah, the biggest issue is people's response. And to be honest, I think it bothers me so much because I'm an adoptee so hearing people use words like "real" when referring to biological children or families....it gets to me. I guess I understand that people don't get it...and most days it doesn't bother me. Last night I was just having a pity party. My infertility testing is being done Friday so that *may* be playing a part here.

Comparing fostering to adoption is not a fair comparison...Fostering implies temporary and many kids coming through your house. Adoption implies forever and will get a very excited response.I think of it like this...Fostering=We're trying to get pregnantWe are adopting = we are pregnantAdoption Day = Birthday

Sharing your background I totally understand why you feel that way. We may not get it in a sense, b/c most women here have had kids or aren't adopted. That doesn't mean we can't extend understanding to how you are feeling.

people dont know how to respond. i brought home a sick baby on O2 and my husband's boss wouldnt allow him even a day off to help me get settled in and care for our other two kids. no one offered a meal, no one was rushing over to meet her, it sucked. then on top of that i was having to chase around birth mom's uninterested behind so i felt like hub and i were the only ones who gave a darn about this baby. now that she's here forever things are different but i think people guard their hearts when it comes to foster/legal risk kids.

I have to chime in again. I get it. I really do. We turned to foster adoption because of infertility. I really worried about missing out on the "normal" experiences. It IS different...but I think that any child deserves to have nice new things and be celebrated. I am a big fan of the foster adopt shower. Unless your range is huge, you will need a lot of basic things. It is not bad to want others to help you and celebrate with you. My friends and family were great. And they knew that the child we had placed may not stay. But I will say that after you have a baby or child in your home, all of that other stuff will go away. And I think others will help you more when it becomes "real" to them.

Once the kids move in people start offering stuff...at least if you take younger kids. Anything over say 12-13 & you just get "good luck with that" comments. lol I wouldn't take it too personally.

I had no support from my family in the beginning but thankfully had a large community in my church who were super supportive and I was thrown a party and given tons! Now everyone in my family is in love with Turkey and surprisngly my church family is pretty nonexistant. I guess thats what happens when you are part of a young adult group and suddenly become a mother. I am now in a different life-place than most of them are as they are just graduating college or getting married. But even though my family is supportive my brother still, behind my back, says that I should be doing something else with my life. He doesn't understand how I could quit my job for someone elses child.

No matter what there will always be naysayers, right? That is why the main thing is to know your own heart and do what you need to do to mentally and physically prepare. And there is nothing wrong with creating a registry...even if it is just for you! You usually get great coupons. And for me, it helped me figure out what we needed. It IS exciting, no matter what the circumstances.

Educate, educate, educate. Send out an email to friends and family with a subject line "BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!" and then tell them that you're soooo excited that as soon as next week you could become parents! Explain the basics of foster care, and answer some of their (probably un-asked) questions like what the kids will call them, how long the kids will be staying, etc. Don't be afraid to ASK for what you need/want. Example "We'd love to have your support on this amazing journey. If you're so inclined, here are some ways you could help ... offer to undergo a background check to become a babysitter, drop off any baby equipment that you have lying around, bring us an extra meal that we can keep in the freezer to pull out when we get a placement and life gets crazy." Here's the letter I sent to family: [url=http://fostercareqanda.com/2012/12/what-do-you-tell-your-friends-and-family/]What do you tell your friends and family?[/url]

We didn't ask or expect a shower, even the idea made me feel a little awkward. However, I did feel a little surprised when our parents didn't offer any "help", like a gift card to a store that sells basic baby stuff ect. My husband and I commented that most of the generosity we've experienced has come from absolute strangers (two free cribs, one stroller and some clothing). Both sets of our parents have since purchased a few outfits (my mom) and some books and a toy (his mom). But no one has purchased the things that would have really helped in the beginning or anything like diapers, wipes, formula ect -- we didn't ask either though, nor have we been asked by family or friends "what do you guys need". I think we view this as our road, our decision and haven't felt comfortable asking for anything. Not holding a grudge, just was surprised by it.

I am excited that you will be licensed soon, if that counts for anything lol

Our family is pretty supportive and encouraging....We are lucky with that. I do not know how I would feel with a shower...of course I want all the things that come with being a new mom since I have never experienced that, however I feel as a foster mom I am not the childs forever mom as long as the bios are working towards having their children come back home (hope that makes sense). Our ultimate goal is adoption and when and if that happens we can have a celebration. I have posted on facebook about advice on what to furnish our house with...what sizes of clothing for our ages...and general supplies questions. No one offered anything, which is fine since I LOVE to shop...but I would never turn down a CVS gift card since we have one at each end of our neighborhood, open 24 hours, and they have amazing diaper sales :woohoo: Maybe since we get money to help, when we have placements, people assume we will be able to purchase what we need... Tiff