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So I've been living apart from my spouse for a little over a couple months for reasons mentioned in another thread. Obviously now I am at the point where a decision needs to be made whether or not to continue this relationship. I have not felt like continuing working on this relationship, which was mentioned before our initial separation. Lately my spouse has really been making comments how I should move back so we can work things out. We are also in the process of separating things like our car loans and insurance, phones, and already have separate bank accounts besides one we joined just for bills.
Personally I've always had difficulty making amends with anyone I've had significant conflict with. (Refer to "spouse finally decided to do counseling" for the issues we've been dealing with).
My question to anyone is, do others have difficulty making decisions for themselves? I've spent most of my life making decisions based on how someone (parents, spouse) will react. Will they be happy or angry? How will they react or treat me if I make a decision they don't like or approve of?
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Hi. I'm sorry to hear things have been so rough for you lately.I'm not sure that what you described is unique to adoptees - there are plenty of people who try to be people pleasers, always thinking of how others will react and trying to choose what's best for OTHERS instead of for him/herself.I think you might find that it's common among adoptees, though.All I can say is that you need to do what's best for YOU. If you're really struggling with that, I'd urge you to schedule some separate sessions with your couples' therapist - or with a completely different therapist - so you can work on the best way to take care of yourself.Good luck moving forward through everything you've been dealing with.
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Thank you emerald23, I agree I need to do what is best for myself. After the past few months of living separated I feel as if it's been good for at least myself in order to clear my mind to a point and take a more realisic view of what i am wanting and what I cannot be "ok" with. All the counselors/neutral people O've spoke with have all said the same or similar as you and others. I am most definitely a people pleaser, but feel this internal "tug-of-war" between me doing what I need in my best interest and what I should do for the better of others.