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My husband and I are interested in adopting. However, we feel that a lack of references may prevent us. We both came from abusive families and we have completely excluded them from our lives. Its good that our future children will never meet these abusive people.
But the process of removing ourselves from these environments has also prevented us from having the kind of long-term connections that are necessary for adoption references. We have coworkers and acquaintances that may provide references, but most adoption FAQs say that you should be close friends ғfor years.
IԒm certain that we could pass every other aspect of the screening process. We thought about volunteering with kids (like Big Brothers or something) to start building references, but that still wouldnt be long-term friendships.
Is there anything that we can do to overcome this?
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Well the references shouldnt be family anyway - I would think of those you have known the longest (even if it is just a year or so) and let them write a recommendation. Make sure you include anyone and everyone - old professors, roommates, anyone. I used a reference from someone I had only really known for 3 years but she was in a support group that I co- founded. She wrote an awesome recommendation - no one would have been able to not accept that letter. So give the person some of what you are looking for and let it go. The worse they can say is try again.
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Thank you for responding. I am concerned because all the adoption guides say that references should be people that "have spent time with you in your home and can describe the stability of your marriage." My coworkers have never even met my husband. Do they really need to provide this kind of information to be a reference?
Why dont you invite some people to your home? That way they have been in your home, and have met your husband? It is best if they have met your husband. They do not have to be best friends with him, but it is a better reference. We hardly ever had people over either when we were adopting, but since the references we provided had been in our house at least once, they were not lying. Good luck!
goodgraces
Thank you for responding. I am concerned because all the adoption guides say that references should be people that "have spent time with you in your home and can describe the stability of your marriage." My coworkers have never even met my husband. Do they really need to provide this kind of information to be a reference?
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Oh, the dreaded references:(
I have the opposite of your situation, lol HUGE family, and basically everyone we hang out with, is somehow related to us.
And family can not be a reference, at least here.
I used people from work ( I was working then ), and some boyfriend's of my dds. My colleagues only saw my husband a couple of times, but, Heck, we did talk, and they were aware that our marriage was working good :)
The reference questions are pretty basic:
Would you describe the marriage as solid? YES, VERY HAPPY
How do they interact? IN A LOVING AND RESPECTFUL MANNER.
What is their parenting style? LOVING AND CARING.
( or NA if you have no children)
It takes less then 5 minutes to fill out. :)
Best wishes with this, and don't let others intimidate you...to get approved is a lengthy process, the references are just a very small part of it.
Dickons
"describe the stability of your marriage" is a KEY part of assessing whether or not you will be suitable parents to a child - who by definition of being adoptable (whether at birth or beyond) has already LOST their entire family already. They want to make sure your marriage is stable, sound, has long-term potential because it's about what is best for the child.
And no, inviting someone over to your home once to say they have met your husband and been in your home is not able to provide that kind of input.
Kind regards,
Dickons