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Hello All!
I hope you don't mind me hopping over from the now very quiet Russia forum to ask advice from those of you who have the ultimate experience as adoptees.
My 8 year old daughter came home with us from Russia when she was 11 months old. Of course we have always been very open with her about her adoption story. Six months ago I made contact with the birthmom's sister and mother, through email. We have exchanged photos of my daughter and of all their family members. My daughter was absolutely blessed when I handed her a photo album of her birth mother (and bio g-ma and bio aunt) this past Christmas Eve. It seemed to fulfill something in her that she yet hadn't even expressed to me. She looks stunningly exactly like her birth mother. She will make facial expressions sometimes that almost knock me over at the similarity of her birth mother. They are both beautiful of course :D .
So, here's my question; just yesterday I got an email from the bio grandmother. She sent me a photo of a new baby boy that birthmom gave birth to two months ago. Birthmom seems very stable, with a man who she has been with for about a year, and who is caring for her and their baby.
I am torn about if or how I should present this to my daughter. I do NOT want to withhold info from her. On the other hand, I do not want to stir up hurt in her heart that her birthmom is now parenting a baby. We have had discussions about the fact that her birth mom was young and without a job and struggling to live on her own when she gave birth to my daughter. We have talked about the very likely possibility that she may one day get married and have more children.
My daughter seems very content in her life, and never asks those questions of why. I give her every opportunity to express her feelings, without making it an every day subject. I always talk matter of fact when we are on the subject. Recently, we were working on a family tree for homeschool. I gently offered to her that if she wanted to include the names of her birth family on the family tree that she certainly was welcome to. She looked at me like I was a lunatic and said "uh, no, I do not want to do that."
I think because her half sibling is a boy, it would make it even easier for her. And, because we are in contact I am thinking of taking her to purchase a baby item to mail to the birth family.
The other angle is that we now also have a two year old daughter, adopted domestically. Her adoption is open, so we have full contact with all of her bio family, and she gets to visit with them throughout the year. SHE will know about any future half siblings that come along, and will have the privilege of growing up knowing them. I cannot deny that to my older daughter, even though we are continents away from her birth family.
Okay I have rambled on too much. Please let me know how you feel about this, from an adoptee's heart.
Thank you!
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When I was a little girl, I distinctly remember telling my adoptive mom that I probably had half-siblings. I was probably 8-10 years old at the time.You've already prepared your daughter for it a bit when you told her that about the situation surrounding her birth and that her mother would likely have children in the future.While all adoptees are different, my best guess is that she has thought about this, too.I think her reaction will be based on how you tell her the news. Just be very matter of fact and tell her that she has a sibling. I do want to caution you, though. You said your daughter "never asks those questions of why." Some adoptees don't talk about it, but it is still on their minds. Just make sure you remain open to talking about it, and I would recommend you bring it up from time to time, so she knows that she can discuss it if she wants.
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Like L4R said above, all adoptees are different. But the chances are that your daughter has given it some thought.Even if she's been thinking about it as a possibility, though, that doesn't mean the reality will necessarily be easy to accept. Especially at her age, when acceptance/rejection (mostly from peers) looms so large in her psyche. On the flip side, having thought of it logically, she may not be too bothered by it. She could react strongly, not at all, or anywhere in between. Your instinct is right - your daughter deserves to know the truth, absolutely. But be aware of her reaction, not just in the moment, but beyond as well. And do keep the line of communication open. Let her know she can talk to you about it at any time. Your openness and honesty with her is the best gift I can imagine. I wish my own mother had been as open with me about my own birth family/story over the years.Good luck.
I have no idea what age I was when I first started thinking about whether I had siblings but in my mid teens it was a burning question I needed answered and had answered through a call to someone who had to call someone else type thing. Having the answer and knowledge that I had siblings was priceless all on it's own even with no way to ever know them. I also had to wait 4.5 decades to see a picture of my mother and that too was priceless... If she is generally okay with adoption stuff then tell her the news - good news kind of story that she has grown up and met a nice man and married and a stable life now and guess what they had a baby boy - your half-brother (assuming there) and isn't that nice for her? Hopefully once baby gets older you might start being pen pals. Do you want to go pick out a gift to send to your baby brother? Perhaps start a tradition of something small she can send each year while he is little? A stuffed animal or picture book? You benefit as well in all this because you are open and truthful always and then if she has some bigger adoption stuff at any point she will come talk to you because you have already made it okay. Kind regards,Dickons
Thanks to you all, so much, for your responses. It gives me the encouragement to go the right way with this info, for my daughter's benefit. I think she'll be excited about it, really.
We have a brand new baby girl cousin, born yesterday, so I think the excitment of a new baby in our family will fulfill her as well. She really is an exuberant little girl.
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I told her. :woohoo: Showed her his picture. She reacted much the way I expected. Excited, and very willing to go buy a gift to mail to the family. We talked a bit about her birthmom having support to raise this new baby, totally opposite of her situation when she gave birth to my daughter. We are adding his picture to her birth family photo album. It went soooooo well!
She REALLY wants to go visit Russia. I am praying the bank account will allow for that in the next couple of years. Thanks again, for all of the shared hearts and encouragment. It means so much!
I'm so glad it went well. Like Dickons said, your openness about this (and her adoption in general) confirms for her that you don't keep secrets. That sends a powerful message about love, honesty, and trust to your daughter. I hope you can squeeze out a trip to Russia with your daughter one day.Best of luck!