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I know how hard some of you work to keep your kids' bio siblings in their lives.... Does anyone here stay in touch with former foster siblings of your now-adopted kids?We have the opportunity to keep our kids in touch with former foster parents/one of the kids they lived with. My parents do not support this at ALL. They have viewed both our adoptions with a "take the baby and run" attitude. They think open adoption is a bad idea, and while we shouldn't lie to our kids about being adopted, we ought to just raise them "as our own" and not really have it be a big part of their lives. I think I disagree. I don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, but I also want them to understand as much of it as possible so that it ISN'T a big mystery or a huge deal. It just is.So, is trying to have contact with former fosters making it into a bigger deal than it should be, or is it helpful for the kids to understand their different past?
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swd
I know how hard some of you work to keep your kids' bio siblings in their lives.... Does anyone here stay in touch with former foster siblings of your now-adopted kids?We have the opportunity to keep our kids in touch with former foster parents/one of the kids they lived with. My parents do not support this at ALL. They have viewed both our adoptions with a "take the baby and run" attitude. They think open adoption is a bad idea, and while we shouldn't lie to our kids about being adopted, we ought to just raise them "as our own" and not really have it be a big part of their lives. I think I disagree. I don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, but I also want them to understand as much of it as possible so that it ISN'T a big mystery or a huge deal. It just is.So, is trying to have contact with former fosters making it into a bigger deal than it should be, or is it helpful for the kids to understand their different past?
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We keep in touch with the former foster families of both my kiddos -- they each lived with a fff for more than a year before coming to us. We send cards/photos and see them about every six months. We *almost* adopted a child who was living as a foster child in the ff home at the same time as our kiddo -- but it didn't work out. Luckily, however, her adoptive family keeps in touch with the fff too, so we've been able to see her a few times when we've been visiting the fff at the same time as her. Our son refers to her as his "foster sister." Our other son, who never lived with that family, also refers to her as his "foster sister." I love it!! Really, you can't have too many people loving on your kids!!
ETA: My kiddos were one and two years old when they came to me. We could have pretended that they had no prior history... but we decided to encourage the connections to their history instead.
MM, that's my feeling exactly. These kids (any kids, really) can never have too many people in their lives who love them. And yet, my parents and DH just want to be in denial to a certain extent. They don't want to ignore their pasts, but they don't want it at the forefront. DH doesn't want it to be too much of an effort that takes time away from other things, like hanging around the house doing nothing and relaxing. ;)One was in foster for the first 4 months of his life and then he came to us; the other for a year and is now almost two. So they are young; is it making too much of things they wouldn't remember without us telling/reminding them?
SWD: Our extended families absolutely don't understand the "open adoption" (I don't know what else to call it!) that we have with former foster families (and birth families, for that matter!) . I think that partially they don't want to have to share our kiddos and partially that they just can't wrap their heads around the complicated history that our kiddos have. So we just don't involve them in any activities or communications we have with FFFs. (And, again, it's not much -- they're on the same photo/card/visit cycle as other extended relatives!) And some of it totally depends on personalities and whether you might be friends with the family anyway! (And, in our case, if the FFF has a beach house that the kids love to visit!)
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I visit once a month with my former foster daughter. She was so strongly bonded to me that the attorney (GAL) thought it would be best for her to continue seeing me, rather than thinking that I abandoned her. (They also thought that she should have been adopted by me, but that's not the way the agency and the judge went). She's been moved twice since being with me between relatives. She's in fairly stable home. Our visits are only for about an hour, but it's so good for my heart to see her and know that she's doing o.k. She and my current fd also have a relationship and enjoy having a "play date" experience when we get together. I always tell her that she's a special girl to be loved by so many people.
My DS was very bonded to his foster mother and making it clear that we supported their relationship was very important to his transition. Sshe also was very supportive and positive about his transition, which was invaluable. He visited a few times within the first year and spoke to her often. Contact died down gradually over time, to the point that now he just sends a Christmas card, but I think it was really important up front to make it clear that we all wanted what was best for him and that we were not going to take him away from the people he was closest to.
We plan to stay in contact with anyone that matters to our kiddos as long as it is appropriate. FFS are no different than hanging out with friends once a month or so. Meet at a park, grill hamburgers, go swimming, whatever you would do with other friends. I do not think it has to be a big deal, but if the kids are close it would good for them to stay in contact if it is possible.
MassachusettsMom
SWD: Our extended families absolutely don't understand the "open adoption" (I don't know what else to call it!) that we have with former foster families (and birth families, for that matter!) . I think that partially they don't want to have to share our kiddos and partially that they just can't wrap their heads around the complicated history that our kiddos have. So we just don't involve them in any activities or communications we have with FFFs. (And, again, it's not much -- they're on the same photo/card/visit cycle as other extended relatives!) And some of it totally depends on personalities and whether you might be friends with the family anyway! (And, in our case, if the FFF has a beach house that the kids love to visit!)
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