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Is it always this hard? Please tell me fostering can not be this hard. This is my first experience fostering although I have two biological and two adopted children of my own. The boys I am fostering are 3 and 6 and have been with my husband and I for six weeks. The six year old has muscular dystrophy and is developmentally delayed, although that is not the issue. The behaviors are just out of control. The older boy needs to be supervised at all time. He gets into everything and when we try to re-direct he hits, kicks and bites. He also will pee in his pants when angry not to mention he runs out of the house. Both boys are extremely busy and do not listen to any directions. To top it off they do not go to sleep easily and will run out of their room even after a busy day. The younger one has made a bit of progress when he is by himself during the day but as soon as his brother gets home from school he is off the wall. They also hit each other constantly. I can not take them both out together by myself. They run off, tantrum, take things and throw them,etc. My husband and I took them to my older son's soccer party last night and they were out of control at the house. The older one was into draws, the garage, etc. We had to leave because it was just too much for us to control. The boys were in an experienced foster home before this and they disrupted due to behaviors, she felt they needed therapeutic care although I found that out after the fact. I was told something different and was naive enough to believe it. My question is...... can someone possibly be expected to deal with this in a regular foster care situation. Right now my husband and I have no life and my own kids are suffering because of it. We can no longer relax in our own home. I think if I had just one of them I could manage but the two of them together is just crazy. I am so exhausted right now. The social worker sees the behaviors and has even asked me to pick up the boys from a supervised visit after 10 minutes because she could not control the older one. I really hate to disrupt on my first placement but right now I see no other option. I would be happy to keep the younger one because I think he would do well by himself. Any thoughts....suggestions? Is fostering always this hard?
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If you strongly feel the behaviors could be better addressed if the boys were separated, then that may be what has to be done. You might need to tell the SW you don't want to disrupt, but one of the boys needs to be moved or both have to go. I hate to make a suggestion like this, but sometimes the only way to break the cycle is to break the kiddos up. In the future, they could again be placed together once the behaviors are under control.I'm sorry. I know how difficult behaviors can be.
Ask the social worker what additional supports they can provide you in writing (email). Tell her you are really almost at the end of your rope but that you are wondering if there any additional supports that can help you avoid disrupting them. That way there is record you gave it one last try. And to answer your original question, heck no it is not always this bad. What you have is intolerable. More standard would be, you have to worry about taking them out in public because 1 time out of 3 they have a tantrum that is embarrassing. One time out of 10 you have to leave. Really, it should not be this hard. My guess is you are going to have to disrupt. Give notice and then ask for respite in that order ;)
I think many times they "farm" the hardest to place kids out on the newest foster parents. Newbies tend to be excited over that first placement...really want to help...and are less likely to catch the red flags of the placement. That's dispicable, but it happens. Please, please, please don't let them feel like you have failed in any way by requesting that one or both of these boys be moved. They shouldn't have been there in the first place, and you are not failing by doing what's best and getting them the level of care they need. I'm sure this has been completely exhausting to your family!! I hope you can get it resolved and will try again!!
You're a trooper for lasting this long, I wouldn't have lasted 2 weeks, and I have 8 kids in the home. Kuddos to you. I was totally feeling you should disrupt upon reading that it's affecting your kids and you guys can't even go out in public. You need to stand your ground if and when you disrupt and let them know they need to be gone in ''x'' amount of days. They need a higher level of care. No, it's not always this hard. I've only been at this two yrs but have yet to get a ''horror'' story placement. The things I deal with are the typical kid issues...then again we only do infants and toddlers. We did have one prek'er who was work, but she wasn't a horror story.
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Unfortunately, a LOT of them are. Now, I do prefer disruptions because I'd rather have behaviors and know what I'm walking into (as if they ever tell the truth <ha!>); so I wouldn't doubt I get tougher kids than average. However, I really think the kids are just tough. In training, they called them Baby B. Baby B didn't get their needs met, didn't get good guidance, etc. SO when they get into a home used to Baby A type kids, tough or not, they throw us for a loop. Whether we agree with other people's parenting or not, they probably are giving their kids some degree of the basics. Unfortunately, many of the kids we get as foster parents just didn't have that. Anyway, the kids we have now are the easiest we've had and I doubt an average parent would consider them particularly easy, between the boys' behaviors and therapies galore. But some kids just ARE harder. If experience foster parents gave them up because of behaviors, they likely have behaviors that a newbie will find challenging, at best. And it is okay if you can't do it.
I've found SW can't get the psych evals done before they need to move a kid with behaviors. The child needs documentation in most places to qualify for a therapeutic program. I took an older girl who was placed with me for respite "trial basis" and I knew it wouldn't work longterm. She needed group home and wanted it. I took her for nursing psych eval after asking pediatrician for referral. I emailed eval to SW and she gladly called open programs and secured her a spot. Had I not taken the lead, the SW would have moved her to another regular home until she had all the documentation needed. I recommend you call some mental health providers who accept kids Medicaid and can get them in quickly. I would tell them you need a preliminary report with placement recommendations. Also, go ahead and gather reports from school/daycare. Have a list of dates, behavior, strategies used and failed. If the pediatrician will recommend it, they could do an inpatient shortterm psych eval for the older child if they feel its needed. That way more documentation of behaviors in medical record and possible meds and placement in therapeutic could be the outcome for him while you have a week or two with little brother to see if he can stay while older brother gets help.
Sounds like you got a doozy of a first placement. We did, too. It's tough. We're disrupting the older one...initially it was due to behaviors and how she controls her brother, now it's all of that + the fact that she is a danger to him.At first I was feeling like I failed, but after 6 months here, she needs MORE than we (or any other traditional foster home, I believe,) can give her. Moving her on to somewhere better is good for her.I was feeling just like you at the 2 week, 4 week, 6 week point & let me tell you, 6 months later I wish I would have pushed for this 5 months ago. I'm not sure I'll ever fully recover from the stress of this ordeal.The agency actually told my husband "We won't count this against you because of her behaviors." Huh? He said, "Well then we won't hold it against you for giving us this girl who needs serious help, considering we're new." :p
Has anyone looked at them with a developmental diagnosis inmind? 2 of my bios have autism and when they were younger they acted alot like some of the behaviors you described. Are they verbal? Dont be hard on yourself. Have a big hug from me. Its tough but dont forget to take a few minutes to breathe.
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Wow...the SW in this case should be ashamed for taking advantage of you like that! How can they expect folks to stick with it if they burn them out right off the bat like that? You MUST put your family first. Period. Your children and your family must come first.If the placement of these kids are allowed to destroy(or damage) what you have...nothing has been gained...the kids are no better off...and now your family is harmed. Do not feel guilty for needing to take care of your family first!! Honestly, if it were me...at this point, forget the caseworker, I would say "if you cannot move them in the next 72 hours, I will be forced to bring them to you and leave them with you while you find an emergency placement for them." They are NOT your kids(something caseworkers are fond of reminding foster parents about...unless they want them to feel guilty!) And, frankly, if she gets uppity...tell you you think it was unconscionable of her to place them with inexperienced foster parents when they clearly need therapeutic/specialized care!