Not Feeling the Connection :(

You are an amazing mom, and you have done a great job. You have identified what is "normal" for a child her age. She is NOT a "normal" child. She is a traumatized child. She must be parented differently. This is the hard part. I would highly suggest doing research on parenting the traumatized child. This will give you some great insight to her psyche. Then the other thing is that you can't "push" her into her chronological age of development. You must meet her where she is at, and change / parent things slowly. Its akin to you having to parent a physically / emotionally / mentally delayed child. And the truth be told, it is hard to love and feel an emotional connection to a child who has caused so much stress and upheaval in your world. Give yourself a break. It will come in it's own time. My experience has been about a year as a family, we feel that connection.Remember that she didn't ask for this life, this is what has been handed her. She is using her "behavior" as her voice. I have found that the 1x week sitter from 9-12 for my 3 yr old is the best money I have ever spent for my sanity.It does get better. She will develop, and grow and you will become used to the change.I will keep you in my thoughts.

I want so badly to love her the way she deserves to be loved and feel that connection First.... I would try to separate the ACTIONS of love with the EMOTION of love. They really are two different things.When you say I want so badly to love her the way she deserves to be loved......What does that mean to you?To me, it means you provide her a stable, safe, nurturing home. You work to close gaps and you strive to make advancements. You stimulate her environment and teach her the skills to end up as an independent, high-functioning adult who can make good decisions.THAT is loving her the way she deserves to be loved.So..... it sounds like you're doing that.As far as feeling the connection...... I think we can only feel a connection when we aren't zapped and drained of our reserves. Maslow's hierarchy of needs talks about when we are "able" to advance to a higher developmental level. The first level is physiological - feeding / sleeping etc.The 2nd level is safety/health - secure consistent environmentThe 3rd level is love/belonging - this is when attachments are formed and intimacy can begin to be achieved.4th level is esteem & 5th level is actualization.I use that to say that your new daughter is JUST NOW establishing consistency in the first 2 levels. Connection is a TWO WAY relationship. Your new daughter needs more time to be able to engage in a connection with you.Every book I've ever read says that in the BEST Of circumstances, it will take the same amount of time to UNDO what was done. That's best case. So, she's 2... it might take her until she is 4 to feel like levels 1 & 2 are met and enable her to begin to engage in connecting with you.So - cut yourself some slack. Know that the difference you are making isn't shown by the connection that you have with her.... but the strides she makes to close gaps and learn new skills. And know that the connection WILL come, once SHE is able to function at that level.

I agree with the previous posters. When our daughter came to us she had a traumatic past. Our daughter was much older (6) so she had a lot of issues to work thru. I too felt like we would never bond. I would get frustrated because I didn't understand some of the things she did and why. I also have a biodaughter who had no trauma in her life...she had a normal life as you would say. I learned that I had to parent her differently then my other daughter. In the beginning you will need to provide the basic care like shelter, food, needs, etc...but the emotions will come later. It's not a overnight process. It took us a good 6 months to feel bonded. Try not to let your frustrations get in the way of her trauma. I found a lot of the books for parenting traumatized children definitely help, especially those that have some PTSD or even attachment disorder. You may have to start from the beginning and work your way forward. The child had no positive stimulation so she's doing what was taught. Sometimes kids with attachment disorders never learned the right form of cuddling/bonding and you need to start from the baby stage and work up to help with the bonding. Cuddling, swaddling, starting back on a bottle and hold them, etc...can help facilitate bonding. I know with our case we'd just lay on the couch and cuddle and watch movies and that was our bonding time. Do you have a therapist you can consult with for advice? Our daughter has an awesome one that is doing wonders with her. She's now 13 though but I can say these past 7 yrs have been hard but so worth it. Another thing I found was complete 100% structure, knowing what you expect and knowing what the punishment is if they take something, treat someone poorly, etc...Have you tried being consistent with that. Once you let it go without noticing they will take advantage of it. At age of 2 children will test limits also and that is why structure and consistency is key. You may have to teach her to use "words" instead of actions. Consistently showing her the right way and modeling it may help. She may now know right from wrong and need that. When our daughter came she would have the most awful temper tantrums. She must have gotten away with them either with her bioparents or the previous FP's but I don't fall for them. I would take her by the hand, lead her to her room, tell her "When you can come out and speak to me in a calm voice then you may come out of your room." She would calm down and come out and we'd talk. Eventually they stopped and there were a few times I'd have to hold her and comfort her. What I'm trying to say is time will help and consistency and structure. We all get frustrated at times and tired. Hoping it gets better for you and I wish I could help more. I'd look for good books on parenting traumatized children and also reach out to your area for groups that can help you.

I agree with everyone. In our case, the first 6 months are a blur. It was really hard! Things started to improve after that, and 4 yrs later they still are. I loved them, but wasn't sure about my ability to parent. Now, we want nothing more than to parent and be a part of their lives as mom and dad. Give her, yourself, and your family some time.

Our first six months with AD are a blur as well. I was advised by an attachment therapist to "not let her feet touch the ground for 6 months." Basically, I had to make up for lost time,and had to go back and be her mommy. When she came, she was drinking from a cup and eating on her own, but we reverted. I babied her. I carried her everywhere (and she was HEAVY!). I snuggled her. At bedtime, I fed her a bottle and rocked her and sang to her. She loved it. She needed to be the baby. I had explained to my other children what her needs would be, and that I would seem obsessed with the new child, and that she needed much more of my attention for the first while. It was hard for them (they were 4 and 7), but we made a huge effort to help them through it, too and thank them for letting me be what she needed from me. She was a traumatized, hurt, angry little girl, and needed to know she was mine, unconditionally. We continued in that pattern for about 6 months, and then let her "grow up" some, to more match her age and abilities. It is hard to parent a two year old anyway, that's why they come as newborns, - so you are already in love and attached before they start acting like two year olds. :) And when you add the issues of attachment and trauma, and the fact that you haven't been her parent until now, it is much more difficult - for you and for her. When she would throw a tantrum, I would sympathize. "You are so angry!" ...or jealous, or sad or whatever. and hold her. (hers were not usually manipulative tantrums, but out of control emotion tantrums). It is not natural for a young child to lose her mother and have her whole life upended. And that really affects them to the core. Even though our home was much healthier and safer and better than her previous home, it was NOT her previous home, and she reacted strongly. She my be testing you, to see if you love her regardless, she may simply be hurt or angry and lashing out. But no matter her reasons, she needs love. I admit, I often looked at this little girl and wondered if she would ever feel like "mine." I honestly didn't know. I had my other two since birth, and they felt like mine instantly, but this one did not. She felt like she was someone else's child, and she was hard to parent. But I loved her the best I could, and tried to be the kind of mother I wanted for her, to give her what her heart needed, even when she was screaming at me. Now, 4 years later, yes. She is my daughter. When I look into her eyes, I see my daughter, not someone else's daughter. Therapy has been very helpful. Find a good therapist that specializes in adoption and attachment. It helps to have someone who knows these things well to guide you in your parenting, since things will be different with this child, especially for the first while. Our therapist has been able to point out things that I haven't noticed, helped me recognize what is normal and what may be a red flag for an issue or fear that we could address with our child. Give yourself some time. Give yourself a break for not bonding immediately. You express sadness for not loving her the way she deserves. You can't make yourself feel certain ways. But you CAN show love for her the way she deserves and as you do, the feelings of love will deepen.

what you described is mostly normal 22 month behavior. you could have described my STAD, and she was placed at birth with us. now, about the love part. I read in your post that you desperately WANT to LOVE that little girl.. love grows, sometimes slowly, but it does. I only shared this once in here, and nobody else has ever heard me say this, because I felt so ashamed to put it into words, but I didn't love my STAD for the longest time. I just didn't. here I had the perfect baby, and I just didn't feel it. I kept excusing it with that she is not mine, that she still has visits, and that I have to guard my heart. But still... I SHOULD have loved her, right? when I got my AS, also as a newborn, he was 'mine' the moment I held him.. not so much my STAD. anyways, she got sick, about 4 month ago. she was sick for 2 weeks. Really sick. So I had to hold her much more then usually, rock her all day long, and hold her more... something happened in those two weeks.. and I looked at her differently.. and all of a sudden I realized I loved her. Just like that. love takes time. You can not force it, or wish on it. Right now, you do the very best to be MOM, and I bet, that one day you will look at this little princess, and say: DANG, THAT's MY DAUGHTER!!! I wish you only the very best, and I believe that you will do just fine. your love will come, and grow... just give it time.

I don't have advice. But I wanted to tell you......me too. I thought it would happen by now. I thought it would happen quicker. It just takes time. I'm not going to stress about it. There is nothing wrong with us except too much pressure to be good moms. Just keep going through the motions and soon those motions will come from a true place of deep love.

When our daughter first came home, I was hopeful. Then, she settled right in like something from the Exorcism. It took me a year to consistently feel positively about her. It took another year for me to realize that I actually did love her. I have no idea how single parents adopt. I would not have been able to continue on without the support of my husband. By the way, it's awesome that your 2 yr old is "checking in with you" even while she's being naughty. She's probably driving you insane, but the eye contact is a great thing. That's very positive.

My first DD sounds a lot like your's. She was a mess all over the place all the time. I have had her since she was 9 weeks old. However; she puts everything in her mouth, shows no fear and is constantly on the go getting and pushing her limits. Turns our she had SPD (a sensory disorder) after a while she became a totally different kid and I feel more bonded to her everyday. Some kids make it a challenge due to environment (unfortunately for my DD it was drug exposure prior to birth) yours sounds like lack of an appropriate environment!) Either way it may be more than she's just a bad kid. She may need more input. Just throwing it out there. Good luck and fake it until you make it!

T&P. You can love someone and not enjoy their behavior. Love is not just a feeling. As long as you are acting and providing with love, that is what she needs and she won't know the difference. She'll still look back and know that you loved her, even if you don't yet feel the connection. No one enjoys it when their child misbehaves, and toddlerhood is difficult without traumatic circumstances. She is traumatized and needs time to heal. You sound like you're doing a wonderful job and you're just tired, like any mama of 4. I'm sure you don't feel in love with your husband 100% of the time.. There are seasons. To me (age) 2 is pretty hard, 3 is harder, and 4 is lovely and refreshing. It's perfectly okay to vent and have these feelings as long as you are treating her with love (the action, not the emotion).

I also had this worry, and after 4 months, it is getting better. I have a 14 year old bio son, and am in the process of fostering/adopting my cousin's (father) 2 year old daughter. I was so lost when I first got her. I was in love with her, then it started to fade and I was so frustrated. Now after 4 months, things are getting so much better. She goes to daycare (really is an amazing time for myself) and we have a routine going. It is no where near perfect yet, but I have been lucky to be able to share my frustrations with my support systems and them assure me the things we all go through are normal.