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Less than a week ago I was blown away by some news. I was informed that I have a 21 year old son. If you don't mind me going back a few years... I was in the Army as a military police stationed in Germany. Loved every minute of it.. One fateful night I met a girl, she didn't speak a lick of english but somehow we connected. Had a few dates and one day I was on patrol and pulled over a car for running a stop sign. I walked up to the vehicle and there she was sitting in passenger seat. I got their ID cards and saw that she was married to this other soldier. I didn't say anything but she knew the disappointment I had. I just thought she was a german girl since she didn't speak any english.
Within the next few months I was preparing to leave Germany and head back to the states to get out of the army. Right before I left, one of her female friends approached me and said that she was pregnant. I didn't really know what to do. She is married, is it even possible it was mine? Nothing was going to stop the military from sending me back to the states. So I go home.
I married within a year and we had two sons. About 4 years after returning, I mentioned to my wife that there is a chance I have a child in Germany. (lets go back a little further, I found out at 18ish that my father was not my birth father and I have tried for years to find him. My mother won't give me any information)
My awesome wife that she is said "well lets find out" so we contacted that same friend and she told us pretty much that it wasn't mine. I went on with my life, boys are grown now 20 and 19. About a week ago I joined a facebook group of the old military community I was in. I got contacted another female who ran with same group. And I was brought up again when it came to this baby. She told me that Mom had been saying that it is no doubt my child. Friend said that they came to the states and several years ago she got a call from Germany to help get mom and kids out of country because of bad marriage so they went back to germany.
Why didn't she contact me if she was in the states? We had some mutual friends. Anyway my recently found friend obtained photos of this child throughout his childhood and young adulthood. I saw myself and now there is little doubt. Now I know why they said that he was mine. The husband was very dark skinned with black hair. Don't think blonde hair would come out of that mixture.
Friends helped me find where mom and two sons live in germany. we found the brother's facebook page and I sent a message stating I was in germany with is mother and it is very important that she contact me. He responded with ok, she will contact you tonight. That was yesterday with no contact. There is no doubt she knows who I am. Did this boy grow up like I did not knowing who his father was (that empty pit in your stomach) Does he think his dad is an *** that his mom left and fled back to germany. I wouldn't wish anyone to have this pit that I have.
So what do I do, how long do I wait. This boy is now 21 years old, no facebook or contact information. I however do have contact with his brother. He is about 19 or 20 so how much do I burden him? I just can't let this pass and not do anything. Every search I do about finding child that didn't know existed, it is about fathers worrying whether they will get snagged with child support. Really? They only care about child support?
I want to do everything I can. DNA test is definately a must down the road. I just don't know how to proceed. Them being in Germany makes it much harder, but I'm willing to do what it takes. If he is my son, we have 20 years to make up. I am 43 now and a new chapter has started form an old book.
I am sorry if this has been hard to follow, please advise.
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Give the mother some time - being contacted out of the blue on such a sensitive subject would be a shock. There is also the possiblity that the 21 year old doesn't have a clue and/or was never told and she has to decide whether to tell and/or how to tell. Wait for a couple of weeks and then message the other son again. Good luck,Dickons
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Well, first, congratulations Dad.:)
I got to tell my Father I existed when I was 40. That was over ten years ago. He too was in the military and was home on leave when he went out with my Mother. He was back on base when my mother called and told him she was pregnant. He freaked, said he would do what needed to be done (marriage) but not to tell anyone, because back then he would have lost his position due to an unwed pregnancy. The social workers and my mothers parents told my mother to tell my father that she had a miscarriage, it was a "false alarm". I was adopted and 40 years later (after 20 years of searching for him and my mother) I show up.
Like you, my dad is a stand up guy, a real Dad. We are very close now, he and his wife are great grandparents to my kids. Luckily he is in the US, but about a ten hour drive away. The distance does make it harder, but a benefit to the distance is you have to take time to correspond and make plans for visits.
You'll hear from many that going slow during a reunion is very very important. It's very easy to jump ahead of yourself, there are so many suprising emotions that can come up. It takes time to process and get to know each other. It's a different father/child relationship, it isn't the same as the relationship we can have with our raised children, although it feels like it sometimes, when you see it is different it can hurt quite a bit. (hope that makes sense!)
It was a bumpy ride for a while, but in my opinion it's all just great now. It can work out sometimes Dad. Good luck to you and yours. I hope you can contact him soon, or at least find some more info on what he knows and where he is with it. I hope he has been told, it sure would make it easier for you both.
My big advice: hug your wife hug your wife, go above and beyond in helping her with her feelings, don't dismiss them as not as important or not making sense or being wrong. (that's easier to do than you think) Sometimes things can go a little crazy in the emotions dept. for everyone. And often the parent and adult child in reunion, especially in the honeymoon stage, can think it's all about them, and feel it should be all about their relationship making other relationships secondary at this time. (which I think it should LOL but...) It's about your wife too, it's about your whole family.
Read here about reunions, get prepared for what could be.
Get some rest Dad, you're going to need it!
I hope you can contact him soon.
thank you for your help. It has been such a whirlwind of emotions. I am still waiting on a response from Mom and I will try to be patient. Although I have to say that she can work with me or against me, either way doesn't matter. I just hope she can be an adult about it because I can't just let this go.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond and the advice is very helpful.
thank you