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This is my first post, so please excuse any ignorance. I am a 51 year old adoptee who through an amazingly lucky and quick, yet semi-hesitant search last week found a lot of information about my birth family.
I learned: my name at birth; my birth parents' names and birthdates; their marriage and divorce 20 years later; their new spouses; my birth father's obituary; 1 full younger sister's name; 2 half sisters' names; my birth father's brother; some addresses and phone numbers; and pictures of nearly all my birth family on Facebook. I feel kind of like a stalker! :o
My hesitance in my search stems from my fantasies that someone should have found me. I made it easy, if anyone happened to be looking. (Waivers of confidentiality, periodic posting on websites, etc.)
Now that I have all this information, I have no idea what to do with it! And I am unsure how I feel about it! I have spent the last week either "stalking" my birth family on the internet for more information or researching how an adoptee should proceed with a possible first contact.
My birth father has sadly passed, so I thought maybe I should try to contact his older brother (72 yrs.) whose Facebook page I found (my b-sisters are "Friends" on his). Or should I try contact with my birth mother? My sister? Should I wait? Process it better? :confused:
I would be very grateful for any suggestions, experiences or expertise shared with me. Thank you for taking the time to read this long post.
Sierra61
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Welcome, First breathe... Personally I would try writing a few different drafts of a letter to your mother. A little about yourself but not long and pick a picture to include. Then put the letter away and look at it again tomorrow...you will likely want to change something. Whatever you end up with - ask that she respond even if it is to tell you that she needs time or can't go there. Some reunions go good - others don't and everything in between. Start thinking about what you want from the relationship - because once you make contact the emotions become very strong. As for why they didn't find you - many mothers were told they could not ever contact us...could be the reason - who knows - every case is different but wanted to let you know that could be it. Off to dinner but will post more tomorrow. Practice on the letter and let it sit at lease overnight. Kind regards,Dickons
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Dear Dickons,
Thank you for your response and advice. I realize now that the idea of contacting my b-father's brother was the 'easy' and least scary choice. The appropriate thing is to attempt contact with my birthmother first. I already had a letter to the uncle easily scripted in my head, but a letter to my b-mother seems so daunting!
I need to process. research and soul-search a lot more before I begin that journey. I'll post my progress. I do not have a good emotional support system right now. So, I started a journal which helps me express and organize the information, thoughts, and feelings. I am so grateful I found this site!! Now I have very useful input too!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Sierra 61
Sierra61
Dear Dickons,
Thank you for your response and advice. I realize now that the idea of contacting my b-father's brother was the 'easy' and least scary choice. The appropriate thing is to attempt contact with my birthmother first. I already had a letter to the uncle easily scripted in my head, but a letter to my b-mother seems so daunting!
I need to process. research and soul-search a lot more before I begin that journey. I'll post my progress. I do not have a good emotional support system right now. So, I started a journal which helps me express and organize the information, thoughts, and feelings. I am so grateful I found this site!! Now I have very useful input too!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Sierra 61
HI Sierra,
I am adoptee turning 50 in a few weeks. found birthmom in March and sent her a letter. We spoke on phone I believe 4 times since. She has my phone number and calls every so often. we exchanged some photos also. I will tell you coming to these message boards has been such a help. There are some very smart people in a similar situation who offer some great advise. I don't really have anyone in my life who I could talk to about this who understand what is feels like to be adopted. I did start going to an adult adoptee support group that meets once a month at the agency that handled my adotion (Spence Chapin) It is helpful. My birthmom called me 9 days after I mailed the letter. She did tell me that after she gave birth she never thought it was an option to contact me. My birth was never discussed and she cried in private. So, I am not surprised that you haven't been contacted. I would definitely contact birthmom before anyone in you bf family. -that's just my 2 cents. lol. good luck and remember you may have emotions you didn't know you would have. I heard that search/reunion it is a rollercoaster ride and I will say it definitely is.
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I lucked out & found a match for my daughter almost immediately when discovering this site. I can say it is an emotional battle within anyone, either BM or adoptee. I have wondered so many yrs if I would be "opening a can of worms", IF I did search. I have battled with the thoughts of rejection by my daughter. After all, I gave her up, now what if she decides to "give me up" & not contact me. You statement that she never thought it was an option hit home with me also. The whole pregnacy & adoption wanever discussed after i came home & it was all over. I cried many times about the loss of my daughter
Have you read "The Girls Who Went Away"? If not, I highly suggest picking up a copy, as it will likely give you insight into some of what your birth mother may have experienced and how that could influence her not having reached out, etc. It may be helpful for you as you try to draft your letter. I'm both a birth-mom and an adoptee, in reunion with my birth mother and headed towards reunion with my daughter, so I can totally sympathize with how many emotions come up through this process! It's not an easy road, but I've found it incredibly worthwhile.