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I would love some advice about the best way to help my ex.
He is adopted, as are his older brother and younger sister. His siblings have the same birth mother so he is the only person in his family without a blood connection. His adopted father is distant and his mother is controlling. His brother started having issues at 11, got into a lot of trouble and has limited contact with the family. His sister was cosseted and now in her 40s with children, is still supported by the parents and my ex.
My Ex is the ғsuccessful one having worked incredibly hard all his life; he has financial freedom and enjoys being generous with his family. He is emotionally reticent and VERY self-contained. His family are very close and they all often forget that they are adopted.
I met him when he was 31 and soon after he started requesting information about his birth mother. He has always said he has no interest in meeting his birth parents but is curious about his genetic history. When he was around 18 his mother told him that if he ever searched for his birth mother it would ԓbreak her heart.
Initially we had a bumpy relationship as we were from different countries and I moved to his country, after 5years we started making life plans together and trying for a baby Ԗ soon afterwards his nephew got very sick and so all our plans were put on hold as we supported his family (I did get pregnant once but miscarried early). As things improved we made plans to move to my country I needed to go home and he said he would follow me. Of course he didn֒t and we broke up. This was when he was 41. Soon after he tracked down his birth mothers brother online but seems to have left it at that.
I ended up having to move back to his country but he is adamant there is no chance of reconciliation.
He now seems to be going through a mid life crisis Җ buying skinny jeans, partying with people in their late 20s (he was never a partier), buying an expensive sports car and talking to his mates about all the chicks.
He had always said that he wanted to be married and a father by the time he was 40 but that didnҒt happen for us I believe that he could never fully commit to me and I do think this has to do with being adopted?
If this is a midlife crisis a major part is mourning the lost opportunity to have his own family (even though I tell him that he can still be a father not necessarily with me, he feels that at 42 he is too old). He also is grieving our relationship ֖ at the moment he says that he will never have another relationship as he hurt me too deeply and that I was the love of his life.
He only really seems to have one male friend that he can talk to and Im not sure how much he can share Җ all his contemporaries have children and I think thats why he likes hanging out with the younger guys (that and the younger ladies!). I donҒt think anyone else is really aware of the pain he is in, or maybe hes not as he does keep assuring me that he is the happiest he has ever been. But IҒm not convinced he can be emotionally honest with me.
So here is the clanger: I know who his birth mother is.
I suspect that if I told him who she is, because it came from me it would always be tainted and he would never do anything with the information. I have also considered contacting her to give her his contact details, as he may be more receptive to that.
This man was my best friend for 10years and ultimately I just want him to be happy- how can I help him? I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice and I apologise for the length.
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Hi thanks for reading to the end. I found his birth uncle on facebook and from there found his birth mother. I then cross referenced all the information with other information about her that was available - she is prominent in her community and so there is a lot of information available- including full name, dob and location.
Okay, here's why I am asking:If the information you used to find his b-family was information that you had been privy to or came across while you were married, that's one thing.I am wondering how you found his b-uncle. Was this uncle's name already known while you were married, or do you have to do some sort of sleuthing to learn his name, etc?Your ex-husband has to be allowed to proceed (or not) at his own pace. He may never be ready to seek out or contact b-family. So, if you casually found the b-uncle because you had already known some information about him (through your husband), and you just chose to see if you could find him on FB, then you could talk to your ex about this.I would just say something like "I was thinking about your b-family the other day, and I remembered some of the stuff you said (or the papers we found together), and I decided to see if I could find anything online. Well, I found your b-uncle on FB.... I know you need to decide for yourself whether or not you want to contact them. I can give you all of the information I found, and you can decide how you want to proceed.... I'll give you all the information I have, and then I'll back off and let you decide what you want to do." Once the door has been opened to knowing our roots, we seldom decide not to go through the door because of who gave us the information. But, we may decide that we are not ready or prepared to go through that door. Maybe he's not ready yet. Maybe he'll be ready in a month, a year. Maybe he never will be.I don't know exactly how to advise you other than that. I am conflicted. You now have information about him that he doesn't have. And, that is painful to many of us adoptees because that really is how our adoptions were handled. People have information about us and our roots, and they pick and choose what to tell us as though we are still children who need a monitor.... Yet, he is going through a very difficult time right now (according to you). Reunions are best done on solid ground. When we enter reunion, it truly is like going down the rabbit hole. No matter what happens, his life will be altered by the experience. Is he ready for the additional heavy emotions that reunions can bring? But, then, I go back to the idea that you don't have the right to decide whether or not he's ready. And, you're holding information that is really his to own.Okay, after writing my way through this, I think you need to tell him what you've found. I would probably just mention the b-uncle and see how he takes it. Then, give him all the information, and allow him to sort through it himself. I don't think you need to directly tell him you found his b-mom. Just give him all the information you found, and he'll be able to sort through it.)I would highly recommend against contacting his b-mom yourself. You could open up a lot of pain for her only to find out that her son doesn't want to know her. Plus, sometimes we only get one chance with our b-moms. Don't ruin his chance at talking with her because you talked with her, and she then chose to shut down. That needs to be his decision.
Hi sorry I thought I already posted a reply but it doesn't seem to have gone through? Thank you so much for your reply, there were many things you said that I never would've thought of. I am anxious about revealing this information to him because of the repercussions for me but as you say this is really his information to own so I will follow your suggestion. [gently!]. Also just to reassure you, he had mentioned this information to me when we were together and I was just on the internet one afternoon - I like puzzles. Thank you again.
Good luck! You are in a difficult place. But, I believe you're doing the right thing by telling him what you have found.Make sure to tell him that you will be there for him IF he needs support. But, again, also let him know that you're aware that it is his journey to take. It's completely his decision, and you will leave the choices up to him.... It's important that he knows that you will back off and let him decide when the time is correct.
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I think you have to ask yourself why you want to engage in this. It sounds like you two have been through a lot.
If he is not invested in searching then I have to wonder why you are.
What is the current state of your relationship. It sounds like he has moved on and you aren't ready to let go.
Is this about reconnecting with him? Be careful because you are entering into an area where your good intentions may be misread.
Murphymalone,I agree with you. But, at this point, she has information in hand. We, as adoptees, are all too familiar with having our information withheld from us. Now that she has the information, shouldn't she share it with her ex? In retrospect, she shouldn't have investigated this. But, she did. (And, Cassie, I'm not making any judgements on what you did. Unless you're adopted, you haven't thought about what search and reunion can stir up for us.) So, I'm thinking she has information, and she must share it. Otherwise, she is like everyone else who has kept information from us.Am I off base?
It's a dilemma isn't it. On one hand as a friend she could offer the information she has or at least say I have found something out about your birth family and let him decide if he wants to know about it.
On the other as someone he has been in a relationship with although he says he recognizes he has lost someone very special; he might interpret her offer as an intrusion.
It's hard to say. Some times intentions are misunderstood so I think it's best she thinks things through in terms of how she wants to present this. It sounds as though he is off on a tangent in her estimation and he might balk at being pulled into a situation he's not initiated.
If he had searched and came up empty then I could see her helping him by providing what she found out but if he has merely hummed and hawed about it and never really delved into a search....I don't know if telling him is the right thing to do.
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Hi Cassie41, indeed you are in a difficult situation. I just hope that everything gets ok with time. I feel that you should tell your friend whatever you have found out and be with him all through. You have been his friend and he needs your support. Being a good friend can help him overcom any shock or stress that he may get. Its not necessary that you have to be a lover, being a good friend would also support him immensely.
Hi Thank you all for your input - I really appreciate it as it's a difficult situation and I don't have the insight. At the moment I think his feelings towards me would taint the information too much. Hopefully in 6months we will both be in a better place and I can just email him with the information I have found. And yes I'm definitely not over him but this information is separate to that - I don't believe that by telling him I'll get him back (quite the opposite!) I just think that it's not information I should have about him that he doesn't have - when I started looking I genuinely didn't think I would find anything, I was as surprised as anyone. It was all just about putting the puzzle pieces together and didn't take long at all - maybe 2hours all up. Thank you again
If I read correctly in your original post, Cassie....you did mention that your ex had found his birth mother's brother (so, the Uncle you mentioned???). If that is the case, perhaps you could just mention that you found HIM on Facebook, and for now, omitting the info on the birth mother. I am a birth mother, so can view this from the other side of things, to a degree. I can't possibly know the circumstances leading up to his being placed for adoption, so there are any number of things that could right, or wrong, as with any reunion.
On the other side of this entire 'coin'..(and as one who loves to help others, too, I say this with all respect), sometimes, we just need to back off and allow things to progress in a more natural way. Your ex did not ask for your help and may seriously resent your input, and it sounds like you're more sure than not, that all of his "mid-life crisis" problems are stemming from this one issue......his being adopted. Men (and please don't crucify me for this, y'all) are more apt to go through a mid-life crisis in this manner than women are, for no apparent reason, other than they feel they are losing their manhood. Thankfully, not all men do this..and yes, women are prone to mid-life crises as well, they just don't react in this manner, for the most part.
Please be sure that you are doing all of this for the right reason, and be sure that you are ready to handle any of the backlash that could come from this from various sides.
It's extremely possible, that since his birthmother is a well-known name in her community, that this could seriously upset her life if she's not willing (and/or ready) for this information to be known.
My suggestion would be to, initially, give him his Uncle's Facebook information and strongly suggest that he may be able to find more information about his birthmother through this venue, allowing him the option to act on it or not. At least then, you know you've done what you could, without upsetting anyone's life.
I wish you luck, and I hope your ex is able to come to terms with his own life and enjoy it the way he should.
Love and light.....B
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