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My brother and I were adopted from Vietnam in 1973. We had been in the orphanage for a year. We arrived the day before my first birthday, which I slept through because they gave sedatives to children during the trip to keep us calm. I awoke 2 days after arrival. I grew up in a great place with parents that did the best they could with what they had.
When I turned 35, I decided it was time to sober up from alcohol. I remember talking to my dad about our childhood ( there are 4 of us from 3 different countries and are all biologically unrelated). My father said that I had always been an unhappy child. Not that I complained or was whiney ( I was actually very quiet), but just unhappy. He contributed it to the fact that I didn't have a caregiver at the orphanage as my brother had. Someone to pick me up and have contact with. Someone to cuddle.
I am well aware of my demeanor. I have been through a few therapists who taught me how to cope, but never really taught me why I am the way that I am. I am not miserable. I have had very happy moments in my life and felt content. But on the most part, I have felt uneasy to the point that I would stutter, unfulfilled in work and relationships and always had the feeling that I need to get away. In fact, I moved to the US at 20 and never went back home and lived in 4 different cities/states here. I have what a friend of mine calls "Rabbit Feet". Always having the feeling that I need to move on.
At 41, my dream is to live in the woods with just my cats and nature. To be that spinster aunt that everyone whispers about at Thanksgiving, speculating where or with whom I am now. It's the role that I have assumed in my family and accepted.
But at night I dream about my wedding day. Marrying the guy of my dreams and living in the perfect house on the perfect country property. Almost opposite to what I have ever done with my life or wanted. A therapist once told me, that deep down, I want roots. For all my carrying on and " Living Life in the Fast Lane", I really just want a place to call home and a love that is mine.
Maybe this is the source of my unhappiness? The constant struggle to have what does not naturally come to me? I don't know if anyone else has experienced this or has lived their life in constant struggle for what should be easily achieved... Happiness & Content.
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Although I wouldn't say that because you were not held or comforted much as a child in the orphanage is the entire reason, but certainly played an important factor in how you grew up. Genetics and family (adopted or not) all have just as an important influence in a person's life. I was adopted as a 4yr old and have wonderful adopted family. But even with that, I always felt a little "unhappy" as you've described. Partly because as a child I was in and out of foster care/bio-family lives, so I grew up not trusting many people, another reason for me was because while my a-family cared for me, I felt different as no one else looked like me. (My family is caucasian and I am Vietnamese).
All that to say, while there are numerous factors why someone can be labeled "unhappy," I've began to realize those people who've labeled me as such were not as good to maintain close relationship with. Surrounding yourself with happier people, even just one person you feel happier being around can make a big difference. Just my opinion of course, people like to label others (adopted or not) but it is our choice to decide how right those people can be. I've personally found that by separating myself out more from those negative people, I've noticed I'm really not as unhappy as they like to remind me. Hope you know although you may feel unhappy at times, you are still a person with her own feelings/thoughts/etc and only you really can decide how happy or unhappy you are.
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Although I wouldn't say that because you were not held or comforted much as a child in the orphanage is the entire reason, but certainly played an important factor in how you grew up. Genetics and family (adopted or not) all have just as an important influence in a person's life. I was adopted as a 4yr old and have wonderful adopted family. But even with that, I always felt a little "unhappy" as you've described. Partly because as a child I was in and out of foster care/bio-family lives, so I grew up not trusting many people, another reason for me was because while my a-family cared for me, I felt different as no one else looked like me. (My family is caucasian and I am Vietnamese).
All that to say, while there are numerous factors why someone can be labeled "unhappy," I've began to realize those people who've labeled me as such were not as good to maintain close relationship with. Surrounding yourself with happier people, even just one person you feel happier being around can make a big difference. Just my opinion of course, people like to label others (adopted or not) but it is our choice to decide how right those people can be. I've personally found that by separating myself out more from those negative people, I've noticed I'm really not as unhappy as they like to remind me. Hope you know although you may feel unhappy at times, you are still a person with her own feelings/thoughts/etc and only you really can decide how happy or unhappy you are.
KimMcH, a really good post thanx for sharing your feelings.I have been where you are. I understand all the feelings in your head because many adoptees have all of them and many more.I am a male adoptee sold into adoption at 5 months in the mid '30's.My a-parents took me to a foreign country where I grew up. There was a lot of abuse, but through it all it cemented my adoption feelings.In the early years I knew I was an "outsider" and felt as though I could never be an equal.I longed to be admitted to my a-family in the hopes that by being a family member, my adoption sentence would be washed away. It didn't happen. For me, my a-family wanted only slave status. As I grew older I began to understand that I could never expect my a-family to provide for me.School was on my own because they were sure that I was not capable of school and only had enough in my head to be a hotel bellhop or dishwasher in a fast food restaurant. I wanted more.Once school was completed, I had a good job and it was then I began to look around for someone to make my life complete.What I had learned was that finding someone and keeping them would take work and I would have to give up some of my fears to make the relationship work.I did just that. It mattered that I made this relationship work by providing strength, concern, understanding and the ability to problem solve the relationship as well as be an equal partner.I had expectations as well, and voiced them so that there was honesty and a feeling of caretaking in the relationship.The relationship fixed my emotions, but not my head. There were still periods when there was a connection to the adoption grief, loss and despair. Those times I kept to myself.I worked on the strength of the relationship both giving and receiving and put all my effort into making the relationship complete.I don't mean to imply that i was all things to all people. I kept maybe 10-15% of my feelings in reserve so that if the relationship soured, the hurt would be less.If you want something, take the freedom you have to get it.And yes, I still have fantasies about that cabin in the woods with no one around.Journaling is a good way to develope strength, fight the demons, and bring out whats important in your head. By journaling you clean up all the adoption pieces and fragmets and you are able to focus on whats important to you. Also you find that you are no longer a victim. You can freely admit that there are some triggers and flashbacks that hurt. The first step in changing your thoughts is the admitting that certain feelings still hurt -- but you can change that.I wish you the best.