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We have just had the most tragic situation arise in our family. Our troubled but much loved 11 year old son sexually abused our beloved 7 year old daughter. We believe there are only three incidents, but two may have involve penetration, though fortunately there is no sign of physical trauma and my daughter said that it did not hurt. Our daughter told me, and I verified with my son in a separate conversation. Per the law in our state, I had to report to child protective services, to the police, there was an investigation and my son was arrested and charged. Since we have no suitable relatives or friends in state, our son is now in juvenile detention, and doing reasonable well, but it is still devastating. Our daughter seems to be happier now that her brother is out of the house, but does show some concern for him. We tell her that he needs to be away because to do what he did to her he must have had an illness and that he need to get better and that he is being helped where he is and he is treated very well. If any of you have had experience with this, I would greatly appreciate any advice for healing both of my children.
Siobhab
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I'm so sorry that happened to your family. It's a tough subject to talk about openly, and I commend you for doing so. Hiding it only hurts the victims and the family in general. I would think perhaps start looking for a very reputable therapist for your daughter (or you and your daughter?), and hopefully your son as well will receive treatment. You did the hardest thing possible and are also dealing with the hardest reality for a parent in my opinion - know your daughter will thank you for believing her (if that is how you found out) and for taking action. HUGS I'm sorry the forum is quiet today because several of the moms are professionals in therapy (I don't know their titles). Kind regards,Dickons As an after thought - Perhaps the subject should be discussed in non-biological families (step/donor conceived/adoption) specifically because kids sometimes may not realize/understand the natural taboo of incest is also between adopted siblings - they are kids after all.
Thank you so much, Dickons. My children have been together since my son was 5 and my daughter was a baby, and I have had age appropriate discussions about appropriate touching and sex abuse, which is why my daughter was so brave to come tell me what had happened, I think. They were not sleeping in the same bedroom, or allowed to be in a bedroom together with the door closed, and had a lot of supervision because my son is very troubled and has conduct disorder. He was in therapy for two years with a very competent therapist, but obviously needed something more intense, in hindsight. My son says that he was pressured by another boy at school who said that he was having sex with his sister, and I believe also showed him pornography on his I-phone.
You did everything you could do to protect your daughter including the most important of her knowing it was wrong and the best part that she could come to you - so please don't second guess yourself - guilt like that is non-productive. Right now you both need to have someone very skilled to help walk you through to a place you can live through it. This will probably be the toughest thing any mother has to do and it sounds like you have the strength to do so - which means your daughter will get through it too. Hugs,Dickons
You did the right thing. As tough as it is to draw a line in the sand and report your son to the authorities; it's what you had to do as a parent. Hopefully he will get the help he needs early enough to help him recognize that he had no right to do what he did.
Too often parents minimize or deny these things and hence people don't get the intervention they need. Telling your daughter that he is sick and needs help is a good way of handling things. He is sick and she was very brave to come to you. Keep validating her for telling the truth. He needs to see that there are boundaries and that he will be held accountable for crossing them.
Good luck.
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