Bad people all around

sometimes it does seem overwhelming. and ever present. I know that our amygdala is responsible for noticing things that are important to us--say you get a new car, take it out for a drive, and suddenly you notice how many of them are out there on the roads already. that's the amygdala, alerting you to something important. I have no idea how this ties to fight/flight/freeze, but I bet it does. we've been looking for patterns since birth. it's just another brain thing, a way to make sense, categorize, and understand our environment. it makes sense, too, that we see the patterns we see after we've become foster parents or have adopted kids from the hard places. we've become aware of the level of hurt in the world--it's important to us, we see the patterns, and we're vigilant against it. I think, too, that once we're sensitive to it, others in the same situation recognize us somehow and gravitate to us. we're a safe harbor of understanding. we're acquainted with their sorrows. we are put in each other's paths for a reason. like you, I've begun to doubt that normal is normal. it's ideal. and we strive to get there, protect our kids, and do the best we can with what we've been given. it's hard to fight what the world shows us to be true. but there's honor in the trying, strength to be found in the struggle. that, I think, is what I hope to give my kids, that sense that fighting for the dream is worthwhile. maybe we're all a little bit of Don Quixote, tilting at windmills. I just keep riding my donkey with hope that my kids will see that they don't have to be like the rest of the world.

In one of my adoption groups the leader is in her late 50's. She puts the fault with her generation. They threw out all the rules without thinking of the consequences. In my daughter's family the problem goes back to the grandparents. Her mother wrote on facebook, "if you want to know why I'm the way I am, look at my parents". Kids tell me the druggies are left to ride the back of the bus and the driver or school doesn't mess with them because their parents are just like them. New ideas and freedoms are one thing but there have been terrible consequences from that generation's selfishness. Granted not all were like that but that attitude of lack of respect for tradition etc. has done so much damage. So many of younger parents just don't know any better because their parents didn't teach them.

Greenrobin, This says it so well! SO well!!!!! Hey, I'm in my mid-fifties and yes, I can say I think much of this has to do with my generation and the generation just preceeding mine. I also think there's so much 'live and let live and if someone does something wrong, hey, let's just overlook it all' kind of thinking/doing. Here's the thing: If we all allow bad stuff to just go on with no consequences, the bad stuff just keeps ongoing. Personally, I was made fun of a lot when I was young for NOT going along with the crowd to 'do it because they did it'. I'm no saint, believe me, but my parents did enforce the 'do it because it's the right thing to do' and I hope I pass that along to my kids. But, I also have a problem with people who say, "Oh, I know this person does a lot of bad stuff, but let's all be nice and pretend that person really isn't THAT bad, shall we?" Nope. In my world, there are folks that are inherently nasty people, period. That doesn't mean they can't change their lives, but it also doesn't mean I try to ice over it all and tell my children 'they really aren't that bad'. I also don't believe in blaming parents for the actions one does as an adult..... But, to the OP, I think we just have to constantly tell our children there is evil in the world and we have to strive to be the good-as much as we can be-and 'right that evil' whenever we can. And I think greenrobin said that much more eloquently than I, so I'll refer back to her quote above.... :) Sincerely, Linny

To OP - I'm not sure how long you've had your kiddo or the background as to why you feel you need to tell her she's now living a "normal" life. Early, on, I felt I needed to explain to J how things are different now.. that she didn't need to be afraid of violence or drunken rages, etc, etc But you know what - even when she was 5.. she quickly figured out the difference. it turned out, all I was doing was showing how I thought i was better than her BPs. not exactly the message i was going for as for crimes and death. yep, they are everywhere. But that doesn't mean your kiddo is unsafe. whether its sandyhook or columbine or hurricane sandy.. it seems like parenting is a delicate balance. helping kids understand what is going on, without scaring them to death

OP, unfortunately this is reality. And I agree that "normal" is the ideal. Yes, today you see good ppl stealing, dying, going to jail, etc but its our job as parents to remind our children actions have consequences. Yes, there are some things that are out of our control but your behavior and reactions are what you do have control over. You can easily end up in jail for not paying parking tickets or DUI, so pay your parking tickets nor should you drink and drive. Death unfortunately is guaranteed for us all and we don't get to choose how we go. Good ppl steal because they may have a gambling or drug issue or Hell, they weren't who we thought they were. And just because you were raised in the same hm as your siblings, it doesn't mean that their life path will be similar. Personally instead of trying to teach my children normal means XYZ. My focus is helping them to see that the world is a wonderful beautiful place that will eat you alive if you are make piss poor choices. And thanks to my parents teaching I can say I've enjoyed more of the beauty instead of the Dark Side.

What are you doing to involve her in activities that will bring positive people and positive experiences into her life? To me, that's what we as parents do, so news of other things is minimized. For instance, donating clothes or toys to a charity, I have the child carry the bag, so they have the experience of giving. If there's a big fire nearby and people are burned out of homes, we go through the house and pick a few towels, a few toys, perhaps some food, to take to a place that's collecting donations. Then drive there together. We talk about how we have so much, I have them pick toys they think children might like. I try to stay active in several groups that are doing good things for the community, church and more, so that my children meet lots of people who cooperate with each other, and give back to the community. Still, life won't be easy all the time. We'll all confront death, and probably all experience theft at some point in time. Some difficult experiences are constants in life, but we don't have to live drama from morning till night just because of that. Some of life's challenges allow us to demonstrate staying calm in the face of difficulty.

Normal is an overrated word, however, point out how much good is out there in comparison to the bad. I agree, the post WW2 generation and the one that follwed made for some SCREWY parents today. I don't hide my kiddo from the bad. Bad things happen, even to good people and people can change, but it is HARD work. I highlight and point out the choices that led that person to that place and what the consequences were.....Good and Bad. We discuss what needs/wants that person was trying to meet and if the payoff was worth it. I also discuss what values our family has that helps us avoid risky and dangerous behavior. I point out all the ways I see her exhibit our family values.

I think by "normal" what you are trying to tell her is, "You don't have to live like those who are doing drugs, stealing, etc.." It can be rough - the ideal should be to stay away from crimes, drugs, etc., it's true. We live in a sin-stained, wretched old world. I don't know your faith background but that always helps me, realizing that all these people are just rebelling against the absolute right and wrong created since before time began. So, involve your kiddo(s) in activities that show them there are good people. Keep pointing out the good and saying, in essence, that this ideal is possible to live in even though the previous life was a mess if they remember growing up in that environment. You don't want to sound like you're better and be judgemental, but it's true that a life free from crime *is* better. It's just always hard to separate the person from the crimes. But, that's what forgiveness is all about. I like to see all these druggies and criminals as like a woman in John chapter 4, if you don't mind my sharing a Bible story. It's one that can be used even if you're not Christian. Because, the crux is that this woman was trying to fill her life with all these different men and getting no permanent satisfaction. Druggies, violent people, etc., are just doing the same thing. Trying to fill their lives with things that can never last, because they don't realize how much better that life is of following the law, staying away from drugs, etc.. And teach your kiddo that by being a good role model and doing what's right, she can do what little she can to make this world better. And when she asks if it'll really work, I love that old Paul Harvey saying: "If that's not the way to bet, it's the way to pray." Or something like that.