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Hello! I'm new here. I live in IL, near Chicago, and have been reading all your insights as single parents for a while now. I'm 38, an elementary teacher, and single. I am going to my first adoption agency 1 on 1 information meeting later this month, and I'm petrified! I am interested in domestic infant adoption. So here's my big, heavy question, and the one that scares me the most. Most of the adoptees I know who are adults are fairly happy and have seemingly no adoption angst (in their 30s and 40s anyway). I'm wondering how kids fare in the long run in single mother adoptions. I think I'd be a pretty good mom, but it seems like quite a few adult adoptees writing online resent the fact that they were adopted, and I don't want to cause anyone a lifetime of pain (my being single might hurt them more??). Then again, I see many adoptees who are adopting... One of my coworkers used the same agency, and her child's birthmother had three children she put up for adoption, each one as an infant. The woman was an adult, not coerced, and had the children several years apart. She placed one of her kids with a single mother. Everyone seemed pleased with the adoptions and the child I know seems balanced and well-adjusted. I know this can change in adolescence, though. So... any thoughts on this? I think parenting is both a selfish and a selfless act. We parent because we want kids and a family, but we parents to make our kids productive humans, too. I hope I didn't offend or make any broad generalizations that would hurt someone. I'm new here, so it's hard to know where to start. Thank you for all of your wisdom!
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I can't really comment on the book as I didn't make one and it was a non agency adoption....However, I'm just gonna throw this out there......I'm not really concerned about the male role model right now. I mean, infancy and toddlerhood are often very mother-centric even in a traditional setting. My daughter goes to sleep at 6:30 and wakes up at 7, so if I was married, how much daddy time would she really have anyway? I'm not saying I don't think a male role model is important, and I am glad that my father and brother have embraced her into the fabric of our family, so she does technically have some male figures in her life, but I guess I'm just saying, don't worry about that right now ;)Now, I'm sure I would feel more stressed about this if I had a little boy, but at the same time, the male influence is important, whether male or female, I guess I just think that it's okay not to have all the answers. And I don't know your situation, but who knows, if you want mr. Right to come along,maybe he will....I want it....and then on the flip side think why mess up what is so right LOLAs far as trans racial adoptin, I do think you need to figure in how your child would be accepted into the family...unless you are willing to cut off family completely, I don't think it's fair to bring a child into a situation where they might be the brunt of "oh but I'm not talking about your son. Bc he's raised right" type situation.....or worse.
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smiles2012
As far as trans racial adoptin, I do think you need to figure in how your child would be accepted into the family...unless you are willing to cut off family completely, I don't think it's fair to bring a child into a situation where they might be the brunt of "oh but I'm not talking about your son. Bc he's raised right" type situation.....or worse.
I think it all has to do with your perspective. I think what married people are telling you can be true but I also think that they have no clue what it's like to be a single parent. Really, I mean no clue.It's really hard to have everything on your own shoulders. I have a great support system but it doesn't replace having another adult actually living in the same house. I recently had to bite the bullet and hire someone to clean for me every other week because it's impossible to get much done while Sweetpea is awake and when she's asleep I'm tired and don't want to wake her up by running the vaccum etc. I'm lucky that my dog walker will take out my trash for me. I'm not sure how I'd get that done otherwise. When I leave the house I have Sweetpea, a diaper bag, my pocket book etc. Now that she's a toddler there's not as much gear required that can't fit into a large diaper bag, but it's still a lot to carry. I don't know how I'd manage to carry out trash, too. I should ask how others on here handle that! Having to keep a baby or toddler occupied also takes a LOT of energy and it's always nice to have someone take over so that you can have a short break (even just to go to the bathroom!)I'm not saying this to discourage you. Yes, it's hard doing it all alone but it's the best thing I've ever done and I'd recommend it to anyone!!
MeInIL
Otherwise, it will have to be coaches and teachers and other men in the community. I'm so wary about random men and children (of both genders... I know a guy whose male babysitter did terrible things to him) so I'd be super selective.
Yes, I can only imagine that being a single parent is beyond mind-bogglingly fatiguing and overwhelming. It's going to be a huge adjustment if it happens for me. I have a dog who is like my baby right now, and I wonder how in the world I would deal with a high energy dog and a baby at the same time, by myself, in northern IL weather (I don't have a yard, so I have to take the dog out). I keep trying to persuade myself that if women in Africa can work in salt mines with babies on their hips, or if Inuit women can take babies outside in Alaska in winter, I have nothing to complain about. :) We'll see what I'm saying a few years from now... haha.Yeah, the whole male role model thing does scare me, especially if it's alone-time with someone. I hope my brother comes back in the area, as I know he would be a big help. I would be very wary about someone I don't know well.
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MeInIL
I keep trying to persuade myself that if women in Africa can work in salt mines with babies on their hips, or if Inuit women can take babies outside in Alaska in winter, I have nothing to complain about. :) We'll see what I'm saying a few years from now... haha..
I certainly wouldn't just leave a child alone with a man because I wanted my child to have male role models, but I do think there is something between that and not providing male role models. "Alone time" isn't necessary for a man to be a good role model. I have a number of men in my life who are great for my son, yet they have never been alone with him (this includes my brother), not because I don't think it's safe but because it just hasn't been an issue. Many of my female friends have not been alone with him either, and for the same reason. However, we do include both in our lives, and I do think this is important. I also think that it is too easy to say that only family members are allowed to be alone and that will provide safety; many more kids are victimized by family members than by non-family members. I always worry when I see family members only offered as the solution, mostly because I think that sends kids a dangerous message of categories of people being okay rather than how to identify safe people and safe behaviors. To each their own in deciding who, but there really are a lot of options for male role models without putting kids at risk and while teaching them safety skills.
Leeah
I live in a condo and also have to take the dog out... If you can find someone like this I'd highly recommend it! :)
hi- I'm a single mom who just finished her home study and is now a preparing family. Agency- ask as many questions as you want, make sure they support and will help single mom's-mine does and I am in the Chicago area. Get a feel about them when you interview with them. Support-Most of the people I tell are very supportive. I have heard the same thing about dad's sometimes. Mom's say they do most of the work. Those who don't either kept it to themselves or won't be apart of us. The quality people I choose to place in their lives is better then the number. My agency also said many bm are not looking at married/unmarried anymore. Parenting- Single parents can screw up their kids just as much as married couples. Who says your going to be a single parent the rest of your life. You may marry??? I tell myself all the things I can bring the child not what I can't. Hope this helps in anyway. Don't stand in your own way. If you think your being called-do it!
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green31
hi- I'm a single mom who just finished her home study and is now a preparing family. Agency- ask as many questions as you want, make sure they support and will help single mom's-mine does and I am in the Chicago area.
Yes, the childcare is difficult--that was a hard adjustment.I'm a single Mom--my daughter is now 7 and I adopted her when she was 18 months.The best advice I have (well, I have a lot of advice but I don't want to go crazy here!) is have a way to take some time for yourself. I actually take days off work and the kid goes to daycare or school and I just relax, read, and enjoy "grown-up TV" without having to be "on."Male role models--that is a toughy!! We don't have a regular one in our lives and I do think my daughter needs one. But it has to be natural--I can't just glom onto some guy so he can be the role model!It is hard...
Betelnut
Yes, the childcare is difficult--that was a hard adjustment. I'm a single Mom--my daughter is now 7 and I adopted her when she was 18 months. It is hard...
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green31
I am a teacher, too! I wonder if we teach in the same district and have the same agency, LOl.