how to handle secrecy

" I've shared my frustration with my parents and they say I don't understand how things used to be - they're the only ones stuck back in time..."I wish there was a way to understand this concept. The closest I can get is to watch "Leave it to Beaver" and try to imagine a pregnant non married women as a family friend. I was born in 63 and really, come on, everyone get over it and spread the love. I am like a bull in a china shop, and when I am ready, I don't care what the neighbors say. Sorry I did not help you. :)

I'd start with a conversation about how society is different now. Include how common it is for a single mom to raise a child on her own. Then I'd pick one relative or close family friend. One that you know will be accepting and non-judgemental. I'd tell your mom that you're going to include this person in the secret at point X in time. Start with that. Let her see and feel the lack of judgement.But be prepared. The shame runs deep. Think of your most embarrassing, humiliating experience in your life. Multiply how you felt by 10. Do you still feel that sense of embarrassment and shame when you think of that embarrassing moment? If the answer is no, then you've been truly blessed not to have the level of humiliation that many of us have experienced. My point is, when something humiliates us and makes us feel unworthy - often those feelings remain attached to that incident long after it's over. Even if it wouldn't cause the same reaction on our part today. I can still remember how I felt for some of those times. That's why I hate embarrasing moment shares as ice breakers.She may just need some more time. You might try sharing this on the bmom side and see if you get some input from those who have been there.It can be so hard when we're excited to understand the pain and shame that someone went through. It's almost impossible to understand how deep those feelings of shame went and how alone she felt. She must have felt like the worst person on earth even though she wasn't. It would have been panic attack inducing. Those feelings have mellowed some over the years, but they don't go away because time has passed.

Perhaps it would help if she talked to others that have walked through it. Google and see if there are any adoption reunion groups in your area. Consider contacting CUB - [url=http://www.cubirthparents.org/]CUB - Concerned United Birthparents[/url] Read the book The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler and consider giving it to your mom and dad to read. Kind regards,Dickons

After doing so much research to understand my mother, I can say that I do understand how things USED to be. I wish more of our mothers would do some research on how it feels to be adopted.... You may want to tell your mother that she doesn't understand that the world has changed.By keeping your sister a secret, the shame is being perpetuated, and your sister will (if she hasn't already) feel the shame. No one wants to be the walking embodiment of shame. Dickons made a great suggestion about the book. It might help your mother a lot.I don't have any solid suggestions on how you should proceed. Often adoptees and b-parents are at cross purposes. In this case, your sister would probably like to be validated, and you mother wants secrecy. How do we deal with such opposite desires?You just have to make the decision that you feel is best for you and your family.

L4R, I always like your wisdom. I agree, the shame of the past is being perpetuated by the mom and the child will start to carry that. Not healthy. The mom needs to live in the present moment, be strong, and come out of the closet. If she loses friends over it, then good, they weren't good ones. It's a blessing to know your real friends btw.

Oh, and give the mom time to do this on her own terms, if she is overwhelmed, she needs time to calm down. When things happen too fast it can be traumatizing. Give her time. Also, live your own life and good for you for giving her validation. Im sure that means the world to her. Be patient, your mom is the one with the trauma to sort out. Be sure and listen to her feelings, even if you dont agree.

This is a tough one, because I completely understand not wanting to keep your sister a secret, but OTOH, regardless of how things have changed or how people are more open and understanding now, the emotions that your mother is feeling run very, very deep, are so entrenched, and it might not even be all about shame, but more the loss which is very difficult to deal with. She was only reunited in November, which is not very long. It is most likely that she is still struggling greatly with her emotions and I do think she needs more time and not sure it is up to you to force the issue or "make" your mother "get with it" so to speak. I went into reunion with my son starting in 2007 in a very slow process. We did not meet until April of 2011. I did not have other children, so my situation is a bit different, and I don't really feel shame over my situation (I relinquished in 1981, so was not sent away and my pregnancy was no secret) but the judgments were still very harsh and I learned not to talk about having a son. It is NOT EASY coming out of that closet. On top of that, sometimes you just don't want people to know because you don't want to be fodder for gossip, or it is a very private and deeply emotional matter that you feel not everyone should be privy to. My close friends always knew I had a son, but I've always been extremely cautious about who I told over the years, because most people's reactions were either dead silence or a quick change of subject. I am much more open about my son now, but still my family does not know. Again, not due to shame, but because I have a very messed up family and my mother, in particular, could easily sabotage any relationship I am trying to build with my son. I also have some feelings of resentment towards my family. Nobody was there to help me and I suffered a tremendous loss as a result. When I'd try to talk about my son, I'd get blank stares, dirty looks and **crickets** or insensitive statements like "he's better off" or "you just have to forget about that and move on" AS IF!!! Part of me feels they don't deserve to know what is going on in my life with my son, and another very strong part of me wants my time with my son to be my own right now, since (even a few years out) I still feel as I am just getting to know my son and just starting to build a foundation with him (we live very far from each other, and although we communicate every few weeks, it's not the same as having more frequent contact IRL). It hasn't come up with my son on his end, thankfully, but if he really wanted to meet my family, I'd find a way to arrange it...but I KNOW it would be hard. These deep emotions are not always easy to deal with and when things get triggered, even if it seems entirely irrational, it is almost impossible to work through in any way other than your own time. With people at work, I've s l o w l y been more open. There are still some people I don't want to tell or don't want to know. Not because my son is a "dirty little secret" or I'm denying him, but because again, it is a deeply personal thing that is very emotional and the loss that a natural mother goes through is an extremely deep trauma. It's not as though that gets wiped away when you are reunited. My son and I talked about this on a recent visit and I was telling him that only a few people at work knew about him and why. I mentioned that some people knew I was on vacation because my son was visiting me, and others were told "I have family in town." He told me, as well, that with some people he said he was visiting his birth mother, and other people he said he was visiting family. For both of us, who are more private people, we just don't feel like everyone needs to know our stories. I think you are in a tough position, because you shouldn't feel forced to keep your mother's secret, but OTOH, I don't believe your mother should be forced to do something she is not clearly ready to do, either. I don't think the answer is for you to give her a deadline. Or for your mother to be pathologized for her reactions, which are NOT abnormal. I think your whole family should sit down with an unbiased professional, one who is ideally versed in adoption and adoption reunion, and try to figure out the best way to handle this for everyone. Perhaps there is some sort of compromise that would work for all. Reunion is tough enough when it is just between a natural mother and grown child. Personally, I cannot imagine having to navigate it other than in my own way and own time, of course, considering my son's needs and wishes, too. I can only imagine how much more complex it becomes when other family members are involved. Best wishes to all of you.

As a birthmother (was pregnant at 15 in 1974, gave birth 2 months after my 16th birthday in 1975), I can honestly say that I never felt any shame...I screwed up..ok...big deal, but that is simply how I am, and have always been. My mother, on the other hand, was horrified that her church-raised daughter got herself knocked up and SHE was the one with the shame. I had no problem telling people what was going on, however, she was so embarrassed by the entire situation that I was sent away to live out the remainder of my pregnancy, the birth of my child, and the subsequent adoption that was being forced on me. While I can not empathize with how your own mother feels, I can empathize with the entire situation of embarrassment. Perhaps if you approach your Mom and just tell her that you have, by no means, intentions of broadcasting the family's laundry....dirty or not....to the world, you feel that it's an injustice to the rest of the immediate family not to allow them the pleasure of knowin this family member as well. Perhaps, as someone above suggested...start with one extremely trustworthy family member..someone your parents trust without question (Or much question) and mention this member to your parents, saying you'd love to let them know about your sister, and why you feel it's important. Perhaps if you disclose your own feelings, and maybe even allow the sister to disclose hers (does she even want to know the other family members???? and if so...WHY) to your mother. Perhaps if the sister also wants to meet them, and explains this to your Mom, Mom may take it into consideration more completely. My Mom, initially wanted nothing to do with the search for my daughter, and nothing to do with her if I found her.....until I actually found her!!!! Now, my mother, and my daughter have a beautiful relationship. Don't give up on this, but do go slowly and with as much care and love as possible. It's a hard road from both sides of this, and it's so hard to understand, sometimes, the feelings of the birth parents, just as it is for the adoptees. Something you may want to remind your mom about, and I know this is going to sound extremely harsh, but it is a possible reality.... if your sister truly wishes to know other family members, there is nothing that can stop her from finding them and connecting with them on her own, despite what your mom wishes. Would she not prefer to be the one to introduce her to the family, rather than end up having family berating her for not telling them about her, if she were to find them? Do NOT use this as a threat, or to undermine your mother, but it is something she may need to take into consideration to make a better decision on if she wishes to continue the secrecy or not. I wish your entire family much luck, love and happiness, and I hope this comes to a wonderfully happy end for one and all. Love and light.....B