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My husband and I recently participated in a hosting program with brothers from Colombia (they are 10 and 9). They stayed in our home for 3 weeks and we built a pretty strong connection with them. As a result, we have prayerfully decided to start the adoption process. The catch is that both boys have some pretty serious behavioral issues. I've been a missionary in orphanages for years and have worked with children for as long as I can remember and never before have I seen two kids who dislike the word "NO" so much! We focused on keeping to a schedule and making sure we had solid transitions between activities while they were here. We also tried to say "YES" to as many little things as we could so when we had to say "NO" the blow wouldn't be as bad. But each time their reactions were terrible. Sometimes they even took to physical violence. We prayed with them, we never raised our voices or lost our tempers but I'm telling ya what, it was HARD! We have a year before things, God willingly, will be finalized and I'd like to have more ammo in my arsenal before that time comes. Anybody got good advice for working with difficult children and/or building trust in our relationship with them?
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I'm a little confused--are the children in your home now? Did you keep them for three weeks, and then they returned to their home, and then came back to yours? Did they just stay in your home after the three weeks? Are they living in Colombia now and you are waiting for the adoption to be finalized from there (but then it seems from your post that the boys are living with you.)
From what I have read, there is a lot of confusion internationally about "hosting programs"--the US end sees is as kind of "auditioning" kids for potential adoption, while the children ( and bio families, when they exist) believe that the children are just taking part in a cultural exchange and don't understand that the end goal is adoption into a non-related American family.
It's hard to know from what you have described, but if these boys are living in your home being adopted after a three-week visit, which they might not have all have realized was a prelude to being adopted into your American family, their issues are likely not just behavorial (in terms of defiance, etc.) and more related to being adopted into a foreign family that they only knew during a 3-week exchange program.
If the problem is that the kids were just there for three weeks and didn't keep to your schedule or whatever--again, they probably didn't realize this was a prelude to adoption. They may have thought they were on a vacation and just acted like--well, kids on a vacation. And also been totally confused about they were praying with you about.
Either way, if these kids were just at your home for three weeks and you want to adopt them from Colombia, or if they are already in your home,
rather than just concentrate on discipline, and getting them to understand "no," they (and you and your family) might be better served if you address issues such as removal from their home and culture, perhaps their language (do you speak to them in Spanish? do they understand the nuances of the English language and American culture, and your family culture?).
So in order to build trust in your relationship with them, I would suggest focussing on them and their needs rather than having conforming to discipline and schedules as the first priority. Make sure they are, if not comfortable with being adopted and moved to a foreign country by people they have known for 3 weeks, at least aware of the situation and all that it implies. Allow them to keep contact with their biological family, if they have one, and other people who have been important to them over the last 9-10 years--Skype or a FB page, for example. If you don't already speak Spanish,learn it; if you do, learn their dialect. If they have not been raised in your religious tradition, don't be heavy handed about imposing yours.
They might not be "difficult" children, but just children in a difficult situation. Unless and until they are well integrated into your family, your arsenal should be less about tips for dealing with difficult children and more about finding ways to help these children to come to terms with the massive changes in their lives.
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