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I had my daughter when I was 15, she will be turning 15 this month. I personally picked her adoptive parents. When I had my daughter I was not really for the adoption however with no means of support i gave my daughter to parents that could provide her with the life I couldn't. We had a semi open adoption which isn't recognized either way in NJ. They assured me they would always keep in touch so we set up pics and updates 3x a year. Going forward with the adoption was truly the hardest decision I have ever had to make. When my daughter was 4 years old the pics and updates stopped and when I contacted the lawyer I was told they had moved and did not check in. For the last 11 years I have searched endlessly for them, but not knowing their last name has made that search difficult. The last 11 years have been agony not knowing if my little girl was happy and healthy. 2 weeks ago by some miracle I found her online! I contacted her adoptive parents and was told that she knew about me and her adoption story but they felt I should not have contact with her till she was 18. With a heavy heart i agreed until I seen a web page my daughter has. In 1 thread she says her only wish is to meet her mom and in another she says she never want to meet her mom because "her mother didn't want her so why should she want her mother" I was and still am completely shattered over this. If her adoptive parents told her about her adoption then she should know that it was with a very heavy heart that I did give her to them and not a day has gone by that I havent thought about her. So, my question to everyone is, should I contact my daughter? I feel that if i can't see her for another 3 years she should at least know that she is always in my heart and mind and not in any way unwanted. I feel that she should know these things so when she is 18 she can make a decision based on the facts of her adoption. Am I wrong to think this? I know some birth parents go for adoption and do not look back, however my situation is different. I have come to regret my decision in giving her up for adoption, as her adoptive parents have not kept any promises they made. At 15 I was very naive and I thought I was grown enough for sex not understanding the consequences. I d not regret the birth of my daughter in any way. She is beautiful and seems happy. And I understand if they do not want me to have physical contact with her till she is 18, but for her to feel like I didn't want her is absolutely destroying me! Please help! All advice is greatly appreciated!:(
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I didn't find my son until he was 32. I actually found his name and then located his parents because his info was out of date (he had recently moved.) They told him I'd found him and gave him the info. His dad said, he commented "She walked out of my life,she needn't think she can walk back in." (His wife told me later that the first thing he did was go to my church website and find my picture.) A few weeks later he contacted my by email and we've been in contact ever since. His parents had told him what they knew of my situation when he was adopted (the little they knew was accurate.) He told me later that had I contacted him when he was 18 or even 25 the reunion wouldn't have gone as smoothly.She's fifteen; if the aparents kept their word, she knows you were 15 when she was born. She isn't in your shoes but imagines she'd never let her child go if she got pregnant (There are birth mothers who are also adoptees on a.com who may have better explanations for you)... Many teens that age are dealing with hormones, anger, etc. (My daughter was hoping she was adopted at that age, btw.)My advice is to not contact her directly; some bmoms have tried that and gotten letters from lawyers and even had restraining letters filed against them.) Continue talking to the parents. (Ask them for updates and pic now and also pics from the "lost" years.) Write a letter to your daughter telling her about your life when she was born and why she was adopted. Tell her about the loss of contact because they moved... etc. Either give it to her parents to give to her on her 18th birthday or keep it and send it then. Ask her a/parents if you can send cards at holidays and for updates. You don't know what she says to her a/parents when she is angry with them: they may be afraid she will reject them if she can turn to you. Or she may be expressing anger at you so that they are afraid that your presence may make her angrier. (The list of fears is probably endless).
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I'm adopted and a first mom.
I wanted nothing to do with my mother when I was that age and I could accept that there were reasons she couldn't keep me. Fast forward to 18 and finding out why she didn't and I was so mad I could have spit. I got some age and experience under my belt and I understood why she didn't.
I expect my son will go through the same thing. You know, it isn't easy when you are questioning your identity anyway and then that gets piled on it. Being adopted means you lack a biological mirror and a lot of times at that age you want one desperately and can't imagine why anyone wouldn't keep their biological mirror.
Don't freak out and don't panic. In the big scheme of things, you are pretty young yourself, so there is time.
Time heals a lot of wounds.
[FONT="Georgia"]Hello to you that is having such a difficult time, I understand your pain when it comes down to regretting, but I have been lucky enough to have contact with my adoptive parents, but yet I feel your pain, because that is my biggest fear.. My advise to you will be look for her, let her know what happened and do not let her live with that misunderstanding that you didn't want her and that you do not love her.. Tell her the full story, the complete truth. Tell her how much you love her and how much you want her and how much you would like her in your life. I feel your pain. But keep your head up high and remember that you are a strong woman but over all you are a strong Mother,... Much Love to you and please keep us posted ... [/FONT]
Many people will tell you to wait until your daughter is older for you to have a "succesful" reunion. But your daughter is developing her identity at this age, and for her to believe whe was unloved or discarded by you IMHO is a crime.
If you reach out at this age you will most likely get push back from her aparents as they did not seem to want an open adoption as promised. Already they are trying to buy time to keep you apart which was never your agreement in the first place.
I think it is important for your daughter to have the true story of her adoption (without too much drama of course) even though others will advise you not to. You will hear that her adoptive parents are her parents and they will control the situation until she is 18. However her best interests were served by keeping the open adoption open, so the fact that they did not speaks volumes that they value her biological heritage or her possible issues with developing her identity.
With that said, I say establish contact, but make sure that you do so in ways that are legally acceptable. In example you may tell her that you can develop a relationship through social media, phone calls, and meetings in public places but can not meet her alone. Explain to her your intentions are to be there for her, but acknowledge that her adoptive parents are her parents and for the next three years she will have to abide by their rules.
No matter what do not believe that because the adoptive parents lied to you and your daughter believes she is unwanted by you that you have to keep to the lies. The adoptive parents have the opportunity to help their adopted child realize she was loved, but choose not too. Do not let them pull the "when she is 18 card" to protect their lies when all it does is perpetuate her feelings of being unloved and unwanted. You do not have to reach the age of 18 to hear the words "You were loved and wanted" just to keep other people happy.
Just take it slow, be there for your daughter, encourage her to do well in school and let her know that you have plenty of time to get to know each other.
Yes, but via email. You can conduct your thoughts without being overly emotional. You'll have one chance to get through to her and since your dealing with a teenager, the stakes are higher. I would mention in some way how much you appreciate and respect her adoptive mother ( bc you don't want it looking like your pitting yourself up against her) and just share your heart. The adoptive mom probably will get upset but please know most adoptions don't turn out like this. And my heart goes out to you that you have to deal with all this. Good luck and God bless!
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