Need advice on what to look for in attachment problem

jennjoom, I read your post and wanted to comment only from a personal standpoint.I am a male adoptee with RAD. I believe it comes from being abandoned at a young age. It is something that as an adoptee, you slide into.There is a distancing of yourself from caregivers. There are trust issues, and finally a degree of self-emposed, "separate-ness." This helps protect you from the extreme Hi's and Lows involved with adoption. You become a people-pleaser.On the surface, you try to keep these things hidden. To cover up you try caretaking for all kinds of tasks for your a-parents.I tried to caretake for my a-mother by taking care of my 2 younger brothers. My reasoning was that she should not have to give them baths or feed them, etc. I should relieve her of that responsibility. I hated it, but I wanted admission to family.In my head, there were 2 goals.1. to atone for my sins of adoption. ( altho I didn't know what those were)2. If I could be perfect in every way and be all things to all people, then i could gain admission to the family and give up my status as an "outsider." Maybe I could be an equal.At age 7, I was told I was suspect, tainted, and an "outsider" so this was a means to try to gain admission to family, become an equal and wash away my adoption sentence. Little did I know.In truth, I cared about no one. Or anything. I built a wall so that school buds and peers would have to voice their wants before they got in. Some got superficial friendship, others not at all.RAD, in my experience, remains all your life. It becomes less and less with age. The feelings of being trapped in the adoption sentence also begin to fade altho, your always aware they are lurking in the background.I know of nothing that will help identify RAD behavior.On the surface children may act normally. but in their head they are stand-off-ish.They do not initiate friendly-touchy feelings because of the trust issue surrounding adults. Also when they act out, it is hard to separate the source. Is it due to the grief and loss associated with adoption and it's follow-up, or is it RAD or a combination of both. In my case it was all mixed up with many other factors.It is possible for children to act out and not know they are in fact grieving.It's hard to know what this child has been through or where her head is. If RAD is present there will be small signs in terms of her trust issues with adults and her feelings of needing to be in control of her life which results in her feelings of being separate from her friends and peers.I am offering these thoughts as a male, her feelings may be somewhat different.If I can help drop me a note with questions and I'ii try to answer.I wish you the best.

Firstly, my heart goes out to you as you've obviously been through a lot, and yet here you are helping others! That's quite something! Thank you so much. You've been amazing for taking the time to explain some of what you've gone through. Professionals in the field are helpful, but I always feel we can learn best from people who've really lived it. May I ask you, as an adult are you able to form loving relationships? Do you love your adoptive family? Do you have friendships? And if you have kids, do you feel you're able to bond with them in a way you would like? And if you have any tips on how we can make this little girl feel less like an outsider, please share.

jennjoom, thank you for the kind concern.Let me invoke the rule of brevity and provide just a little background to answer your questions.First, I was adopted in the mid '30's when we were largely under the victorian era of influence. "Children were seen, but not heard."I was black market and adopted at 5 months so all I knew were my a-parents. There was a lot of abuse, so I understand very well what adoptees go through.Although I tried to have a good relationship with my adopting parents, I knew I was an outsider and that probably cemented the RAD. Also in the telling of my adption my a-mother told me I was suspect and tainted. That whole conversation was so devastating that I promised myself nothing would ever hurt like that again.In the subsequent years i married but never had any children. I have had many long standing friends but they never knew the depth of the friendship I held for them. In my eyes they were just people I knew.I know of no silver bullet to help this child get through what is in her head. In spite of all you do for her, she will have her own ups and downs. If she does indeed have RAD it will always be there.Her wanting to move in with you ASAP is an indication that not only does she want a better more stable life, but she also wants to end the uncertainty she has been through for so long.My only thoughts for the 2 of you is for you to wait for signals from her in regards to where her head is. Try to guide her through advice as opposed to correcting her. Give her the benefit of "mother/daughter talks" in terms of clothes, money, how to live, accepting responsibility as a mom some day etc. The main thing is that she builds a trust level with you and counts on you for guidance. Talks have to be age related, etc. Let her be your guide in terms of how her life unfolds and she needs to have the freedom to allow that to happen. In other words, let her come to you for what she needs in terms of emotional attachment. She won't be able to share that right away and it is important that your strength as a mom is just that. You have to wait for her to find the right pathway to take you into her confidence. That trust level will come in time if she understands that regardless of what she shares you will be non-judgemental.She like all of us, who are adopted, have a set of our bio-genes but now we are attempting to deal with not only our own genes but those in a new family with a different family atmosphere. This is hard because it is different from what we were programmed to expect. It's not easy on both sides.This has gotten much longer than I expected, and I apologize. If I can provide any more help feel free to let me know.I wish you the best.