Not happy with my Transracial adoption

Ms_Shella, I do believe I may have a relative experience that I would be willing to share if you'd like to hear it, if so just let me know.

Please...by all means I would like to hear your experience.

Okay, sounds good.So with me and my parents, I am a Chinese adoptee and my parents are white. However we seem to have a big different with our mindsets I think. My parents on one hand have the thought of going to school, getting good grades, getting a degree, marrying and having kids, the whole 9 yards. Or in other words they have the vision of the "American Dream".Me though, I think that life's key isn't all about money, or being able to tell people that you have a degree in something or have the need to think that i'm better than people just because I went to college and have a piece or paper that essentially just proves that I so called "deserve" more money. There are most definitely a lot of people that either deserve less or way more than me. I just think that people should do what they love and have a passion for. That they should find what brings them happiness and love into their life. Not money or social status. So I guess my situation is somewhat like yours, just with a different aspect of the cultural realm.Also, if I may add, I think that yes, maybe your parents not exploring your culture when you were a child did affect your life...but why let that affect you now? I am starting to warm to the idea of immersing myself in my Eastern culture, and find that it is in fact very appealing and almost the "right" feeling.

Mysterykid, I think your parents just want you to reach your fullest potential and strive for a college education, because its hard to keep a good job these days. Plus college life is a great experience, I am glad I went, when I was younger I didn't want to go college after HS graduation, but I am sure glad I did. As for transracial issues, are your parents embracing your Chinese heritage, do you live in an area where there are other people with the same cultural background as you? Do you feel different at family functions or out of place? I experienced all this growing up, plus my parents didn't acknowledge that I was of a different racial background and I had a feeling that I was different. After I moved out and did some research, my hunch was right, I found out that I am of mixed heritage AA and white. Now I embrace it with friends and colleges, but not my adoptive family.

I know my parents want me to reach my full potential and I even do. And I have aspirations of going to college already and I have a dream of what I want to do in the future already. So I have no clue why they tell me i'm not doing things the right way just because I have a different angle for going about things.But I do not live in a place with lot of diversity, i'm in a city of about 95% white. And I really do feel out of place in my family, it seems that both my parents have similar minds and that my two older sisters (Both Biological to my parents) have the same way of going about things and treating me and stuff. And with me exploring my cultural background it seems that I show it and everything from the decor in my room to books I read, but the sad thing is that my parents don't seem to say anything about that. All they ever tell me in life is "I"m gonna have to study in school a lot", "I'm not gonna have free time ever for fun", just things like that, and it almost depresses me to go to college and just in general I think because of my mom at least I've developed moderate to sever depression.

Sheila, I can absolutely relate to your situation. :-) I am Native and Caucasian. Native through my father who was himself adopted in a confusing and (from the sounds of it) only semi-legal and perhaps private adoption. My father has mental issues and due to this and the nature of his adoption it's impossible for me to know even what tribe let alone a specific band. I was adopted by a non-Native (white) family and raised in a white area. There are Native tribes here however we really had no contact with them and they would be very different from the ones on the opposite side of the country that my family would be from. Ironically my parent actually worked for the Ministry of Aboriginal Affairs for a time but that only meant working at home writing documents, not actually having any contact with the culture, heh. Looking back now this is almost a cruel tantalizing. My amother views my being Native as sort of a quaint, interesting tidbit but but does not view me as biracial or Native. My aparents never made any attempt to raise me in the culture and still have not been at all supportive of basically anything that I do to reforge that link.I'm almost 30 now with an eight year old child of my own. This year was the first year that I registered him as a Native child at his school. It was a huge step for me and I still have a lot of trouble feeling worthy to call myself Native. I meet so many people who want to say that because I was not raised on a reservation or because I was raised in a white household that I'm not Native and it's painful. I love my culture and I had no choice in any of what happened to me. It's definitely still a white elephant in the household because I would love to be acknowledged for who I am instead of being treated as simply white. I would love support in my quest to regain more of my heritage. Unfortunately that has not happened and does not look as though it will happen. My journey is simply one I am taking on my own and for my son in the hopes that he does not grow up feeling ashamed of who he is like I did.

Mysterykid, Just keep reminding your parents and siblings, to remember your different and don't think like they do. All us adoptees have different traits from our adopted families, because we are wired like our biological parents. And reassure them of your intentions and just that I go about it differently and support would be greatly appreciated. As for college, I had the best social life ever! But you have to learn to balance social life and studying to get decent grades. Hopefully you will figure that out. So don't let your parents scare you, college can be hard work, but once u finish that paper or test, ya celebrate and party with your friends. Usually there is more diversity at school, you may gravitate to your own race or take a class to learn more about your culture.

[QUOTE=Nyctimene]Sheila, I can absolutely relate to your situation. :-) Hey Holly, were both Libras...glad to know I am not alone with my issues. Its too bad our aparents don't acknowledge our biracial heritage. What happens when you bring it up? I did about 20 years ago and they denied that I was mixed. To this day and I am not sure why they denied it, probably should strike up that conversation. I wish I could talk freely with my parents about this, but its so stressful and it shouldn't be. I do recall my brother mentioning, mom and dad know your black now, but they never had that conversation with me. Thats great you registered your son with the right heritage, I did too and feels really good. I am open and honest with my son about everything and feel really close and connected. As for my parents...a huge disconnect, I believe I resent them for hiding my racial background. Once I was on my own I began exploring my history and background, but it was and still is a secret to my parents. Feels good to put all this out there, helps me heal, thanks for listening.

Sheila, I find it essentially impossible to discuss my adoption with my adoptive mother. I'm no longer in contact with my adoptive father and have not been in over a decade. My adoptive mother just always seems busy and uninterested and it just makes it incredibly awkward. Talking about sex would be easier than talking about the adoption, sadly. For her it's always been a non-issue. 25 years ago she signed a few papers and got a couple kids and that was the end of it and there's really no need to discuss it or for it to be a 'thing'. It definitely helps to be able to do the right things for our kids. :-) Doing that for my son was a huge step for me. I also finally located the right part of the Government to email for adoptees to potentially get registration as status-Natives so I'm also pursuing that. Like you though, this is all basically in secrecy from my a-mother. I definitely feel resentful that she didn't do more to keep my culture. Especially since she had ample opportunity to do so. But what's done is done and all I can do now is try to undo some of the damage and reclaim what was taken from me one step, email and letter at a time. :-) I have acknowledgement from my friends and that feels good, like it makes it 'real' that it's not just something I'm doing alone and in secret. One person alone doesn't make a culture afterall.

Ms_Shella, I am new here, but I joined to relate to adoptees who might be in similar situations. It seems that I am in a similar situation to yours. I am a female 25 year old adoptee. I was adopted from Colombia, and my adoptive parents are white. I grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood, and attended predominantly white schools as well. My entire life I always faced prejudice and racism from both kids and adults. I know absolutely nothing about my Colombian heritage and have terrible identity issues. My parents never put in the effort to learn about my culture, and whenever I had asked about this, they coldly told me to "google it" on my own. Friends and extended family members both have said to me, "Oh you're not Hispanic, Cmon, you're basically white," or telling me I'm white because I don't "act Hispanic". Adoption was and still is a taboo subject in my home - it's something you just don't bring up. Of course I have still tried time and time again, but it always ends in a huge argument. For some reason it is an uncomfortable subject for my parents, especially my mother, and they never want to talk about it. In fact, the last time I tried to talk about it, they instantly responded annoyed with, "Ugh! C'mon you're 25 years old. You're still not over this adoption stuff!?" How can I ever get "over" something that I've never had anyone to discuss it with? Just to give you another example, I once asked my father, "What made you pick Colombia for adoption?" and he turned and said, "Because it was cheap," and walked away from me, ending the conversation right there. I can definitely relate to your experience. I feel alone in many aspects, and can go on for days with why I too am unhappy with my Transracial adoption.

hello Miss Phoenix, I'm from Colombia, maybe I can help to find your born family (only if you want it) if you want you can send me a message ... Have a good night.P.S. forgive me for my bad English

Miss Phoenix, did u ever connect with the person from Colombia? Just wondering how you are doing?

This is so helpful to me, as I'm newly home with our Chinese son, who is not yet 2. We are a white family, with 2 older bio kiddos and we dearly love our new son. The mommy guilt I feel with him is much more than with my bio kids. I never know if I'm traumatizing him more by bringing him into this culture, though I know an orphanage is not the way to grow up. What would you advise our family do to celebrate his heritage while not making him feel separate from us? His heritage is both our family's and his Chinese culture. I so don't want him to feel isolated, but to celebrate his difference. Anything you've seen that you wish your parents would've done? Thank you

So hello everyone, I am new to anything like this and it is the first time I have tried to connect to people that were also adopted. I am in my mid twenties and was adopted into a multiracial home. We like to think of ourselves as the original brad and angelina family! Anyways I myself am African American, and the family I was taken into are Italian-American, I have an asian brother, a white brother, and another afro american sister. I have always identified more with my families culture. As a child we grew up in a culdesac, I went to predominently white schools before being homeschooled and we all had many great opportunities. When it was time for me to move out and go to college I faced horrible prejuudice because I didn't "act" black" I didn't listen to hard rap, I dated (and married) white men. People told me I was racist. I knew this couldn't be true. I am now finishing my masters and I am writing a thesis paper on children taken into multiracial homes and how we identify. If any one would be interested in helping me out with that, feel free to share your story and send me a message. Always here to be a friend and never judge

MissPhoenix, I hope you are able to find what you are looking for re: Colombia. I am sorry your adoptive parents won't talk about it. It sounds pretty hostile. :\ My dad was adopted from Costa Rica and nobody had his interests at heart. When I did some searching (learned enough Spanish to do this!) I found out his biological family really did "just want money" (and were willing to do really bad things to get it) and his adoptive family adopted him because he was a blonde, male heir. Kinda makes it difficult to feel connected to any of them. Adoption affects people and families in really unexpected ways. I hope your search brings you peace.:love: