I don't know!!!

Not to judge you in any way, but if a bio-dad talked to me that way, he's not satisfying his (scientific) curiosities during my OBGYN visits. He seems so self-centered and heartless about your feelings. Let him view human pregnancy from his collage text book!!! No wonder you are having such a hard time with this. It is so good that you have found non-bias support.

His scientific curiosity helps me though in some ways. I'm so frazzled and numb that I just nod at the OB or office midwife or nurse or ultrasound technician. He takes notes and remembers. He also asks really good questions, things I should remember but don't. He's not a bad guy, just distant emotionally and immature. He's never been in the real world, just high school, college, med school. No practical life experience - never had a job and mommy still does his laundry.

I really like that idea! Thank you!

Even if they are not close, and you like a particular couple/family you can ask to meet them in person. Our son's birthmother found us online, and after asking us some personal questions she asked to meet us in person. We flew to her hometown, several states away, and met with her (in her agency's office). Every potential birth mother is looking for different things, and is comfortable with different things. Our son's birth mother said "No way" when the agency asked if she wanted us at the hospital, but she DID want us there, in town, so she knew we were there. So we flew down and got updates from her at our hotel room. She wanted that support, and to know we were there for her and her baby, but she also needed her space and for the delivery and a little time afterward to be her time with her baby. She did ask us to come to the hospital on discharge day. We loved that she felt in control, that she was able to make so many of the decisions herself about who and how and when. We also knew that she could change her mind at any time. Don't let anyone pressure you. You need to do what you feel comfortable with and what is right for you and your children. You are responsible for your daughter and this baby. Not for anyone else or their feelings. You can make whatever decisions you want, and change your mind whenever you feel the need. Counseling is a great idea. Two of my children's birth mothers went through counseling before placing. I felt more comfortable knowing they had thought it through and talked it through and were not pressured. Of course it has been painful for them. And they have been both "sainted" and villified for their choice. In the end, you just need to do what brings you peace, what is right for you, because no matter what choices you make, there will be people - sometimes people close to you - who think you've made the wrong one. Both have mentioned to me recently (in letters, we have no in-person contact) that they have no regrets. Still pain, still missing their babies, but still also feel that they made the right choice for them. In the end, that is what is most important, that you can feel that you did what was right for you and your baby. Good luck, and I hope you get the answers and support that you need.

Medical School is AWFUL - I put my husband through it, and residency is even worse. (After that, it gets a TON better!) From reading your posts, I think you're doing everything right. It seems like you're recognizing what your limits are, very clearly see his and are making the best choice for this child. Regarding picking a family, I would make a list of things that are important to you - Child raised in church? Ethnicity of family? Other children? (If so, how many?) Open or closed adoption? There are literally THOUSANDS of families looking for healthy children, and I can imagine picking would be intimidating. Do you have a trusted friend/family member/clergy that could help? They might even know of a family looking (that you could meet beforehand and save the "picking" from a HUGE list with adoption agencies!) Another resource would be adoption lawyers in your town. Many of them keep a stack of profiles of adoptive families, and that would give you a smaller pool from which to choose. Best wishes!!

Med school is tough... My parents married his senior year in college and by the time he graduated from med school they were pregnant with their 4th child. Ironically, my dad was doing his OBG rotation during residency and was on duty when my brother was born... It is very hard work and both partners have to be committed - first to each other. Unfortunately, your "guy" doesn't sound like that. His "scientific attitude" may actually be his way of dealing with his feelings.Once again, I would encourage you to wait before making your final decision. You can choose to sign at any time but once you sign it is permanent. You need to be VERY sure it is the right decision for you because it changes your life forever. (Oh, and should you choose to raise your child, the bio-dad would be responsible for child support.)

I"m glad you got some counseling - it's a good place to start. Why don't you leave this agency. I'm an adoptive parent, and I can absolutely believe you. l When we were researching agencies, wthe e talked 2 large agencies, we did sign with one, and liked very little about either of them once we signed. In our case because we paid money up front we did stay active with them, but the longer we were there, the more we disliked the way they treated US and the way they talked about the women considering placing. They were nice about them, yes, but it but I didn't get a genuine feeling. KWIM? We wound adopting independently the first time. The SW told us in no uncertain terms told us that she would talk to our sons' bithmother but that her first priority would be helping her figure out a way to parent, and, yes, I believed her. Our 2nd adoption was through an agency, a small new agency. It was such a better feel. I truly believe they care about the mother considering placing her chld first. If an agency doesn't feel right they can't FORCE you to place through them. And if so, that is the first law that needs to be changed. I have my clients sign an agreement but one of the sentences in that agreement is that they can fire me at any time if they are not happy with my services in any way - if you aren't happy with Ms. Pushy - FIRE HER. I'm glad you are getting counseling, and hope that part of that counseling, in addition to managing your emotions, and navigating adoption, includes how you potentially could successfully parent All the best.....

The birth father might come around and want his child after he sees it born. Guys are human and get scared too. Becoming a parent should scare the crap out of them as much as scaring the women. How would you feel if he wanted to parent without you? Since you are not sure about parenting, could you give the father custody? Stranger things have happened.

Tanker, you have some good points, but in this case, she would be essentially be giving the baby to the med student's mother to raise, dad's busy. Grandma already has his laundry to do, she probably isn't seeking a child to adopt. She might feel major resentment, but accept anyway, scary re the child's well being. There are so many wonderful stable people hoping for children, that would likely be safest for the child. Separately, Lasciel, I wouldn't let the "agency" or Ms Pushy or PAPs pay your counselor anything. Keep that boundary! If PAPs want to meet you, they can come to a counseling session. Then you can hear the counselor's impressions of them after, to add to your own, because her *only* role is to support *you*. Not to "mediate" between you & PAPs, representing you both equally, that's another sand trap idea from Ms Pushy. Grrr. (I'm starting to want to give her a little push myself, but I digress.)Lasciel, still wishing you the best!

This baby's father is strongly urging adoption and not interested in being an independent adult yet, much less parenting a child. If he decided not to sign adoption papers, we would have to discuss a joint parenting arrangement. I have been advised to let him sign first or sign at the same time as him. If he already was an independent adult and strongly wanted to parent on his own, I think I could step back and let him do it. I'm parenting a 3 year old. I know EXACTLY what would go into parenting a baby and what I'd have to do. My counseling session Monday of last week was discussing those options and I knew everything she had suggested already. I'm just starting to dig may way away from that. If baby's dad, who I dubbed Kushiel on the blog I started, wants to take half of the work and worries and expenses, I'll have to try and we'd probably manage. I can't do it all and he has so far stuck to his stance of purely academic interest. Adoption is the plan. Full steam ahead. Three skype calls are set this week. Each with agency lady and one of my top three couples. My pile of potential parents got drastically reduced when I specified that I expected them to be fully identified before I sign papers and want to visit their house. Ms. Pushy says I'm being unreasonable, that those two things are too much contact for most potential parents but the counselor says I can ask for anything legal and SOMEONE will be willing to do it to help me feel comfortable with putting my baby in their care. Wish me luck with the calls?

Indeed, I wish you luck. As has been said... if you choose adoption it needs to be on your terms! If they are not willing to be identified and that's what you need, they are not the right parents for you and your child. Period. When I placed (back in the "BSE") I refused to sign the final papers without having a final visit (technically the only time I got with him from the time he was born until I met him when he was 32). The SW was unhappy (I suspect she thought I would back out.) but she did it. I got to hold him and feed him; it was something I needed to do.

I wish you and your baby the best.... And, you do what you feel is right. I'm getting really sick of Ms. Pushy, the adoption agency lady. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about your requests.

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As someone looking to adopt, I have to say that you are SMART to ask for this. It's more than some people ask for, but as you are a parent, you know how important this will be for your baby. Good for you! Do what you need to do to feel secure and strong in your decisions. And don't feel like you have to do this on anyone else's timeline. It will all work out, even if the baby is born without adoptive parents being picked. If my agency called me right now and said, "Hey, there was a baby born 2 weeks ago, and the birthparents would like to meet with you to potentially be the adoptive parents," I would be THRILLED. So the timeline is up to you. Don't let an agency push you around. I don't know what agency you are going through, but LDS Family Services offers free counseling for expectant mothers, no matter what decision you are planning on making for your child. (They do adoption services also, but that is a separate service from their counseling services.) Give your 3 year old a hug from all of us!

Hi there my heart goes out to you and the situation you are in. If you just need someone to talk to vent to listen to you please feel free to message me we can all use some good support.