Floundering in Grief

Hi Bijou. I'm sorry for your loss and the different levels of grieving that you're going through. In one respect I don't know that I have a leg to stand on with respect to your question, since I'm an adoptee and not a birth mom. But reading your OP, there were a lot of similarities between your case and mine so I wanted to chime in, if you don't mind. I also found my b-mom about 5 years ago. And while things have been cordial I have yet to actually meet any of my b-family face to face. Frankly I haven't even heard from my half brothers and the communication with mom has been via email with a small smattering of phone calls. My point is that I don't think that the feelings you describe are necessarily peculiar to birth moms. My story to date is pretty well chronicled on the boards, and a lot of the frustration and anxiety and stress are very similar to the feelings that I have with my b-family. At a very basic level, I cannot reconcile my b-mom's claims of being happy that I found her with her apparent total ambivalence towards meeting. Am I wrong to think that being given a "second chance" to know the child that was given up 50 years ago should be something that should elicit at least a definite response...good or bad? I think the major stumbling block in my case is that I am a living, breathing reminder of a lot of negativity for my mom. Not that I am the negativity, but I remind her of it and as long as I'm on my side of the continent and she's on hers, she can cope. But I think that's all it will ever be. So if birth moms and adoptees can share similar types of feelings, have you mentioned this to your son? It can be a little bit of a fine line to walk between being anxious to hear from someone and being "clingy" but maybe he has things going on right now where his perception of time is different from yours? Depending on the relationship that you have with him, maybe it would help to find a non-confrontational way to clear the air a little bit? Just some thoughts and suggestions from someone who admittedly has no leg to stand on. :rolleyes: Best, PADJ

Bijou, you may be experiencing "pull-back" -- it's the norm for reunions on both sides: adoptees and natural mothers. Your son most likely wouldn't be able to tell you why he doesn't reply to you in a timely manner if you asked him. Try not to worry too much, as long as he's treating you in a respectful manner.

I have not met my son face to face yet but we communicate by fb and the occasional email. It stresses me out when I write him a note and he takes weeks or months to respond to it. I wonder if it's a male thing or a twenty something year old thing. My nieces and nephews that are around his age are the same way. I don't have any advice because I'm in the same boat. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I hope I don't sound like I am dismissing your feelings, but I think we have to keep our expectations in check a bit. Most guys in their 20s/30s aren't going to reply right away, or they may reply sporadically. You have to trust that you WILL hear from him, especially if things have been fairly consistent for 5 years. I've been in reunion with my son about the same amount of time. I was very nervous at first when I wouldn't hear back from him, and would wonder what was going on, but I'm much more relaxed about things now. If I call my son and I don't hear from him, I give him a few weeks and try him again. Almost always, he will reply then and we just get back on track. Also, he tends to be better with brief texts, or else we connect through Words With Friends (have been playing pretty consistently for over a year now). I feel connected to him through that, as strange as it sounds. We just had a visit recently that went very well. We spoke after he got home, but I'm at the point now where if I don't connect with him for several weeks, it's really not a huge deal. I just call him and if he's around, he'll talk and if not, and I don't hear back for several weeks, I'll try again. I am quite sure my son doesn't even talk to the mom who raised him all that much. The anxiety we natural mothers have stems from not feeling like we have a firm foundation, and also feeling like it could all get taken away from us again, but we have to learn to relax about it or it WILL drive us nuts!! You are grieving right now, big time, and that is probably triggering feelings of loss and anxiety, too.

PADJ, Although I haven’t been on this forum much lately, whenever I do, I often read the postings by adoptees because it helps me to gain insight about where my son might be coming from. I think you’re right in that my son’s perception of time is different from mine. He has more on his plate, i.e. large social network, busy job, etc. I know that adoptees go through the same type of anxiety and feelings that we bmoms experience during reunion. Without having read your previous posts, I would venture to say that your bmom has buried away a lot of sadness and grief. What appears as ambivalence is probably deep seated fears of all the emotions that would surface by confronting and revisiting the difficult circumstances during the time of your birth. For many years I probably also appeared ambivalent, but in retrospect I think it was a coping mechanism. A few weeks prior to our first meeting, I became a complete wreck, and all the emotions I never knew I had rose to the surface. I hope there will be a positive turning point for you soon and that you have the face to face that you both so deserve.

RavenSong, Im aware of the ғpull-back in reunions, so IԒve been careful to always give my son proper space and time. I think I was just overreacting and having one of those insecure moments. Thanks for your advice!

Gwen72, I think the lack of responsiveness is a common issue for many parents whether it involves adoption or not. And I agree with you that it is a male thing sometimes. Even though it is discouraging to not hear from our sons as promptly as we'd like, it's very important to keep sending those messages and notes because I think it means more to them than they realize right now.

JustPeachy, You're right, I'm learning to keep expectations in check better. Ironically, I think I was more patient in the early days of our reunion compared to now. I too get the sense that we're in contact more than he is with his aparents, so I just need to remember to put things in context. Texting seems so superficial at times but since that is the way we mostly communicate, I am fine w/it. It's great that you and your son are connecting through Words With Friends. It's those little things here and there that help to connect and deepen the bonds.

I really believe your feelings are normal. Give up the guilt & just enjoy those moments you hear from your son. Nothing is as we expect it to be! The process is day by day! I'm so sorry for your loss btw!

Moongrl22, It is literally one day at a time for me these days, and you're right, nothing is as we expect it to be. Hence, the angst! Thank you for writing, its so helpful to share and hear from other bmoms. :flower: