some support please

If he is not aware that you are pregnant, you should spare yourself any legal problems by informing the bio-father before adopting the baby out. Might he, or any of his relatives want the baby? I am in a situation that, in a way, is sort of similar. The mother failed to inform my son that it was "possible" that he had fathered her child until YEARS later. Now the child is in state care. I'm probable grandma, and I am angry! I came to know the child, love it, and I want it. It is an involved situation that I will not go into. But never assume a man doesn't have the right to know and be part of decision making. On one hand they are to step up to the child support plate, and on the other their rights are so easily dismissable? That just isn't right, society!

The father is aware that he's got a child on the way and after informing me he'd support me with any choise i make, buying a packet of nappies and a baby book is as much help as i've got. I have included his mum throughtout the whole process and have still got a strong relationship with her thankfully. I have never hiden anything from him and even asked how he'd feel about the baby being adopted before i made a conclution myself. I have seen him on several occations since informing him and hes not once asked how i am let alone the baby. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and can understand why you'd b angry, i'm glad you've been able to build a relationship with your grandchild :)

My situation was different from yours. I desperately wanted to keep my baby but had no support and no options so I placed my son for adoption almost 22 years ago. I have never gotten over it. A lot of birthmoms don't get over it. Also, myself and quite a few other women I know were never able to get pregnant again after losing our children. If this is your first baby, how do you think you'll feel in the future if you figure out that you gave away your only child? If you already have other children, how will it effect them to watch you give their brother or sister away? Will they think that their next? Society will tell you that you can get on with your life after this. I'm here to tell you that you do go on but the grief is so heavy it's like trying to run through quicksand. So, you need to think about the pain and loss you may carry for the rest of your life before you do this. I wish you the best, no matter what decision you make.

I would not make any firm decision until after your baby is born. If at all possible, it would be best if you had some time to spend with your baby and see if you can manage. You may be surprised to find out it is do-able. How do women cope after losing a baby to adoption? Whether it was your "choice" or not, it is extremely difficult to cope, and not unlike any other monumental loss, but with the added complication of it being a grief that can never really be resolved. You have a baby out there "somewhere" and it felt to me like a death but yet I had a living son that I had no knowledge of other than some pictures and brief updates (which I was very grateful and happy to get, but still, I was not able to know his full identity, where he lived, etc.). Studies have shown that the grief a mother feels after surrendering a child tends to intensify over time. That was true for me, and I was someone who felt I handled things very, very well all throughout the whole process, got counseling, and got on with my life after the fact as best I could. The first year was horrific and things eased up after that some, but once my son was grown and I hit 40 or so, I was finding the pain of being separated from him intolerable. Fortunately, we have reunited and it is good, but does not make up at all for the losses and all those years without him. I did not have other children, not due to secondary infertility, but more due to my life's circumstances (not being sure I wanted more children, not finding a partner who wanted to have children, etc.) and I'm OK with that, especially now that my son is back in my life. I know raising a child on your own is not easy, either, however, I know for me personally, I could never go through losing a child to adoption ever again and would never, ever recommend it to anyone as it is practiced today except under the most extreme circumstances (for instance, if a natural parent was harmful to her baby or negligent/abusive or some other extreme circumstance). If adoption must be practiced at all, I would advocate for the most open situation possible, but there are no guarantees that it will stay open. Proceed with caution.