AA teen requesting a Caucasian family

Can I be perfectly honest? At this point the last thing I would be worrying about is his racial identity. If he has been abused in every way, you are likely going to have much much more serious issues to deal with. He is going to need lots of therapy, lots of help trying to attach/accept you guys as his new parents. I would focus all of my time and energy on helping him heal from all of the abuse. Best of luck to you!

I don't know that it's the last thing I would worry about - but I agree with Becky that you have more immediate, urgent concerns. I'm assuming that you know that. I think the best way to help him start to regain trust and positive associations with other African Americans - and by extension his own racial identity - is to let him see your African American friends and other important people in your life who are kind, stable and trustworthy. Maybe make an effort to look for African American professionals when choosing dentists, teachers, physician, etc. Perhaps an AA therapist if you find someone who is qualified to deal with his background and issues and if he is open to that. Over time, the most important thing you can do is to help him establish connections to safe, trustworthy African American adults - but that will probably have to be a longer-term goal as your primary focus is going to be helping him connect with you and deal with is past abuse and trauma. My heart goes out to him and I hope he does well in your family. Good luck to all of you.

Thank you both, very much. We definitely know that his racial identity is not the first thing we should worry about. I love the idea of seeking out AA professionals - especially a therapist. He has been in intense therapy for the last 2 years. We plan to continue that since he will definitely need it. He also identifies as gay, and possibly transgender. This is something we were prepared for when we found him. Because of his past, we were told that he should not have older male siblings. We are a household of all daughters. My husband is the only male in our family. We are prepared to deal with these issues and know that they will come up. At this point, we are writing letters, sending photos and stuffed animals (a favorite of his). Our home study should be approved in the next few days or weeks. Thanks again for your suggestions!

My heart goes out to him, and you, as you endeavor to get him to where he can feel secure and work beyond the effects of his parental abuse. I agree with others, that working on his racial identity isn't the most urgent thing you are dealing with, but it is definitely important. I assume he's come from an area where there was lots of poverty and crime all around him and almost everyone was black. I would think that becoming comfortable in his new surroundings, and also gaining maturity and experience will increase his understanding that there are good and bad people in every group, whether it is by race, country, socioeconomic group, etc. I'm not sure I would ever do anything real obvious in the way of trying to get him to appreciate people of his own race, but just play it by ear. Watch for opportunities, teaching moments, to come along. Do you live in an area where there will be other black kids at his school? I would think that some of friends he makes over the next year or two would be black. That would be a start, and then if he got to know his friends' parents, that would further demonstrate to him that there are wonderful people of his race, just like in every other group of people. If you happen to live where there will be very few other black kids at his school, I'm pretty sure he will be meeting them. Where we live, there are only like twenty black kids at the high school at any given time. My black kids have always known all of the other black kids at school. One or the other always makes a point of introducing themselves. Whether they become more than casual friends depends on their personalities and specific interests.I hesitate to even bring this up, but jungle fever is real. My black sons have had white girls throwing themselves at them like crazy. They've always had girlfriends and usually several other girls trying to get their attention at the same time. When they break up with someone, there is always someone else waiting in line to take their place. There have been girls who have crawled in through my basement windows at night, and gotten in bed with my sons. Both of them got girlfriends pregnant while they were in high school, and also gotten an std. It may sound weird that I'm bringing this up, but since the boy is a teen, and there are so many issues you have to think about with him, talking to him about sex and birth control and that kind of this might not seem that urgent in comparison. Good luck to you!

Definitely look into AA professionals and definitely talk to him about sex and stds.

I hope your son (or daughter if s/he identifies as female in the future) will come to see his whole self in a positive and loving light. Growing up as a gay person is tough enough. I can not imagine also dealing with the abuse and trauma he has experienced in his young life. I copied a few links & information below for LGBT youth & their families. In my opinion it is important for LGBT or questioning youth to have positive LGBT roll models, mentors and friends. (I was lucky to find a LGBT support/youth group with wonderful adult LGBT mentors. Some of whom have turned into friends over the years.) Many people (LGBT individuals included) do not see the diversity in the LGBT community. Many youth don't realize there is more to it then the annual pride festival. Because they have never experienced being part of their community on a daily bases. And while I love my straight friends & family their are some things they just don't really 'get.' I've been told it is similar feeling for other non-majority groups/persons. Anyhow I hope if you didn't have the information already it will be helpful. And if you already had the information then more power to ya! Best wishes. :flowergift: [url=http://nbjc.org/about]About Us | National Black Justice Coalition[/url] The National Black Justice Coalition (NBJC) is a civil rights organization dedicated to empowering Black lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people. NBJCs mission is to end racism and homophobia. pflag.org Founded in 1972 with the simple act of a mother publicly supporting her gay son, PFLAG is the original ally organization. Made up of parents, families, friends, and straight allies uniting with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people, PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education and advocacy [url=http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/topics-and-issues]Topics & Issues[/url] Advocates for Youth champions efforts to help young people make informed and responsible decisions about their reproductive and sexual health. Advocates believes it can best serve the field by boldly advocating for a more positive and realistic approach to adolescent sexual health.