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I made contact with my birth family a short time ago, after knowing who my birth mother was and seeing her picture on FB, etc. two years ago.
I wish I had never done it. It's a case of be careful what you wish for.
I've never had any of these feelings of "need to know" I've never wanted to meet her. I've never wanted a relationship with her. She's NOT MY MOTHER.
I've had about the most well adjusted adoption that anyone could have, I'm now realizing. My mom has always told me I was adopted, we read books, she answered questions, she had always been as open as she possibly could. Never squashing anything, never making me "stuff" any feelings. We cried, we talked, we researched together.
The DAY I made contact, birth mother's family all wanted to meet me immediately. My birthday happened to be on the weekend, and she wanted to come and "hug" me. I don't want a hug from her. I don't want whatever she has been saving for me all these years. It feels really wrong and creepy. My half sisters want to know me and be my best friend, they want our kids to meet and play and it's all so wonderful to them. They invited me on vacation with them the very first contact. :eek:
I specified in the initial contact that I only wanted health info, birth father info, and to tell her thank you for giving me life. I never said I wanted to meet them, see them, hug them, anything.
The point of this post is, be careful what you wish for. I wish I had had someone else make the contact for me- a third party- and had them ask for the info I wanted, rather than doing it myself. I want them to go away now so that I can get back to my life. I feel like they are stalking me- I cut off contact on FB so they started following me on Pinterest. It's creepy. She drove up 5 hours to be in the town her sister lives- about 30 minutes from me- on the weekend, despite me telling her I didn't want to meet her on my birthday. But she made sure I knew she was there, so it was like she was trying to get to see me.
At what point does it become stalking? I don't want to open my front door one day and have her standing there.
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I think you made a great point that needs to be highlighted for anyone else considering contact with b-family members, which is that in your case a third party would have been the best option.If one is seeking reunion, I'm not a fan of using an intermediary. But, since you were not seeking a reunion and merely wanted information, I agree with you that an intermediary would have been a better choice.An intermediary is a barrier between the two sides, and it would have lessened the emotional impact for all of you. Having said that, if I recall from another post, it's only been a week. Allow the emotions to die down on all sides. For most people, things will level out with some time. I don't believe that all adoptees feel the need to know their b-families. But, I do want you to make sure that this is true for you before you completely shut the door on them.* Are you certain that you're not just closing the door because you are loyal to your a-family, and you don't want to hurt them by opening your heart to your b-family?* Are you certain that you're not closing the door because you have unresolved anger issues toward them for giving you up?* Are you certain that you're not closing the door because they didn't fulfill any fantasies that you had about them?Even for adoptees who never wanted to know, reunions are very emotional, and sometimes they drudge up unexpected emotions.Again, I definitely believe that some adoptees have no interest in their biological heritages, and that's fine. But, please make sure that there are not other reasons for why you don't want to know them because if you shut the door on them now, you may not be able to reopen it in the future.As far as what specifically constitutes stalking, I'm not sure. Good luck. I hope things settle down for you.
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Hi Beth,I found my bm and made contact a few months back. It was health history but alot of curiosity after 50 years of just wondering. I have gone through alot of emotions (and still going through them). after a few phone calls my bm told me she wanted to just hug me and touch me. Well after that call I thought I pretty much wanted no more contact. She didnt mean anything bad by it but it definately "freaked" me out. Well I dont feel that way anymore -2+ months later. She did say she wants to meet me but has to tell my 2 half-brothers about me first and she isnt sure she is ready. I dont even know if I am ready yet either so that is fine. it is odd, part of me wants my Birth family to Want to know me, but then I know I would feel overwhelmed if they wanted to "hang out" with all our families together. I am learning from experience and alot from these message boards (L4R has actually been so very helpful). you never know how you may feel in time, so just take it as slow as you need to. Good luck with everything.
Thank you. L4R, the answers to all of your questions are a hearty "YES". Yes, yes, and yes. I'm sure. I have worked through all of these issues in therapy for many years, and in the end, the answer has always been yes to those questions.
My therapist actually helped me write the letter, and advised that I send it to try and find health info. I have some health problems that are borderline (thyroid) and doctors usually don't treat you for unless you have a family history- so it became vital for me to find these things out.
I did. Which is the one good thing (I suppose) that came from reunion. Most of the health issues are lifestyle related, if not all of them. So I can do a lot to be proactive and prevent them from developing.
Contact was only initiated for this reason, and only became important to me when I had kids. So for them, I hope I can turn this into a positive and make sure I'm around for them for a long time.
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Your feelings on reunion are absolutely valid. I'm glad you got the medical information you sought.
I'm grateful that I've had a chance to read the differing perspectives on reunion over the years to prep for someday (maybe) reuniting with my son. Several years ago my daughters and I likely would have reacted the same as your biological family did. However, I decided a long time ago that I would take the lead from my son and at the same time I would protect my daughters feelings by waiting until I see what pace he wants before introducing them.
Understand, we move on and live our lives, but the unknown haunts us. I want to know what kind of a man my son turned out to be. I want to know what his interests are. I want to know that he is happy and loved. But, if it turns out that he isn't willing to share, I'll walk away gracefully; but I won't allow him to hurt my girls. They've grown up with the unknown too and will be gracious and welcoming if that's what he chooses. If he only wants medical information, I will happily provide it. My girls will never have to be involved if that's the case.
You don't owe your biological family a thing. But fostering understanding instead of contempt could assist in them disappearing from your life with more grace. Looking at social media isn't stalking; its satisfying years of curiosity. Since you're are uncomfortable with it, clearly tell them why, tell them "thanks but no thanks" on the hugs, meeting, vacations and future relationships and cut off all contact.
It sounds like you have an awesome family. That you are happy and healthy will hopefully give your biological mother peace.
I would suggest sending a copy of your post to the birth mother and her children, and there probably would be no more "stalking". The post strikes me as one person asking for everything THEY want, while allowing the other (emotionally, of course) involved party(s) entitlement to NOTHING. While the initial contact letter may have stated what was wanted, I wonder if it stated also, and clearly, ("NOT MY MOTHER"), what was NOT wanted. In such situations more than one party involved owns FEELINGS even if they may differ. Great for you that your adoptive mother gave you an amazing life, and I'd bet birth mom would have wanted nothing less. But she may have misunderstood your contact itself to offer the hope of reunification, and maybe her circumstances were such that she had no choice but to place you where you had a better chance of having a quality life she was unable to provide at the time. Maybe HER FEELINGS are left without closure, and maybe SHE WANTS or NEEDS from you. Of course, to give or withhold compassion is always a personal choice. But the lack of it sort of leaves "thanks for giving me life" come across a bit more like 'kiss my a**' now that you've given me what I WANTED. Seems like unresolved anger to me.
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MBeth, I'm sorry if you misinterpreted my post- I have zero unresolved anger- I just don't have any emotion. I don't really understand how I can have emotion for someone I don't know? I've always thought of her as a very smart, responsible person who made a very selfless choice, and I told her so. I have also been very gracious in my communication with her. I have made it very clear, firmly but with compassion, that I can't have a relationship with her- I don't want reunion, etc. She has issues that she has not dealt with over the years, and now I hope that because of this contact and the knowledge that it was all meant to happen this way, that she can move on and do the work that she needs to do.
I can't heal her. I can't fix her. Only she can do that work. I've done my work. Namaste.
Beth0810, I offer my apology for misunderstanding. I hadn't seen the part of your post that stated that you had told her, up front, that you did not intend to maintain any relationship with her. And I agree that none of us can fix another. But so far as having emotion for someone we don't know, personally, I was very affected when the twin towers went down and so many were killed, injured, or otherwise impacted by it - the sort of "compassion" my post intended. You probably couldn't have known it beforehand, but contact probably was not in her best interest; seems it woke her sleeping past, and that maybe it had just been a horrible decision that she'd had to make so long ago. In that case it probably did help her to hear that you were actually grateful for her decision. I wish agencies would make such detailed information available without the need for 'contact' in such situations. It seems so unfair to all parties involved, and what would be the big deal if such information is made available to adults, provided birth parents were in agreement with it being shared - even if the adoptee did not wish to have a relationship with them.
I do have that compassion for her- again, sometimes it's hard to convey emotion online- but I can't help her other than to tell her what I already have done.
I hope that by knowing that her choice wasn't wrong that she can move on. I'm 40 years old. It makes me sad to think that she has had this to deal with all this time. She was 17 and I"m sure she felt like she didn't have a choice. I know she was worried that I had negative feelings, which I don't. I just don't love her- any more than I would love a stranger and have compassion for their journey.
I explained to her that if you change one thing, you change everything- if she hadn't given me up, then I would not have the wonderful husband, kids, life, friends, etc. that I have now. And she would not have the family she has now. I am not a "missing piece' in her life. I hope she can see that now and go on with peace and clarity.
She still also blames her stepmother for the adoption, and I hope that she can let go of that anger, because the only person it is hurting is her.
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Beth0810,
I have appreciated reading through this thread the last couple of days. Thank you for so clearly articulating your heartache and experience.
Beth, we are both near the same age and I am (was) in reunion with my birthfather (I was raised by my biological mother).
While our experiences and hopes for our reunions are totally different I can see your point too.
I will never regret making contact with my birthfather - even through all the pain and heartache that has gone along with it. I wish he could have told me at the beginning that he couldn't do it (the reunion) anymore, couldn't have me in his life, couldn't go any further with getting to know me, instead of having so much heartache the last 2.5 years. But, he has finally told me as much and I can accept that.
A strong conviction, done with kindness and compassion, is better than "stringing someone along".
While I wish it was different for you (your feelings - and I only say that looking through MY life experience, not yours, and my need to have / want my birthfather in my life) they are your feelings and are valid for YOU. You seem to have thought through this a lot and are firm on your decision, and that is ok.
The one thing I would ask is that you let your heart remain open - not to them "stalking" or "harassing" you - but that you wouldn't close that door in your heart completely. Time has a funny way of changing our hearts and minds. If not for you, then maybe for your children someday down the road when they ask about their ancestry.
Peace and blessings to all of us brave enough to search.
Namaste.