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I am visiting my biological daughter right now in Canada.
BACK STORY: The adoption is relative, international, and open. My sister and her wife have custody of the baby. I gave birth to the baby back in May. Baby, my sister, and her wife all stayed in the States (where I live) for about a month and a half while they figured out all of the logistics of the open adoption. I was with baby almost every day of that month and a half except for 3 days for several hours at a time.
It is now August (so she is a little over 3 months old now). I was so happy to arrive here and finally get to hold her again. She immediately freaked out and looked to her adoptive parents for help (she is a little over 3 months old). I tried not to get upset because at the time she was just hungry. Everything seemed okay after that and she would let me hold her and smiled at me a few times, napped with me, etc. But then last night one of her moms offered to let me tuck her into bed, and the minute her mom left the room and turned out the lights she looked at me like I was some kind of monster or creepy stranger and started crying hysterically. She was swaddled so I felt like that was making the situation worse because she couldn't move her arms or anything. This went on for several minutes, until her moms came back in and asked if they could put her to bed instead. Of course she fell asleep for them in like two seconds and wasn't afraid of them at all. I know she is still so young, but it really broke my heart, and now I am starting to feel no emotional connection to her whatsoever. Everyone now keeps trying to force her on me because they feel bad about what happened, but now she keeps getting upset and fussing every time I try to hold her, so I just give her back.
I've also had problems with my own mother (baby's grandmother). She paid for the trip up here and also brought my daughter (who is about 5). The point of her and my daughter coming up here, was so that my daughter would be there to comfort me, and so that my mom would be there to entertain my daughter while I spent time with baby. My mom has completely been hogging the baby the entire time, and gets irritated any time I ask to spend time with her. I feel obligated to let her have as much time with her as she wants, since she paid for the trip. But I also find it very annoying and disrespectful that the point of her coming along was so that I could bond with the baby, and she is completely taking up all of that time. My own daughter is picking up on it too, and keeps saying comments like grandma doesn't love me anymore, or which child do you like better, etc. etc. Because it is PAINFULLY obvious that she is partial to the new baby. I flat out told my mom she needed to come back to earth and realize that eventually the baby would get older too and she needed to start treating the children equally because my daughter was picking up on the favoritism. Of course she just yelled at me and called me mean and said I twist things around in my head.
Also, any time I do hold the baby, everyone is like "Hold her like this, try this, do this, do that" as if I've never raised a child before. I have a 5 year old. I'm sick of everyone treating me like I'm ****ing stupid and inadequate.
The tension between me and my mother is obvious, and is making things uncomfortable for everyone else. I just want to go home, but my sister doesn't want me to leave because she feels like someday I will regret not trying to spend this opportunity to bond with the baby. I feel like the baby doesn't remember me or care about me anyway, and every time she rejects any kind of affection from me, it hurts me all over again. I just want to go home and spend time with the child I do have who actually does love me. My mom is constantly rubbing in my face how much better parents my sister/her wife are than me, saying I made the "right" decision even though she was there when I signed the paperwork bawling my eyes out because I didn't want to do it, but felt an obligation to my sister because I had promised the baby from the beginning of my pregnancy (as most of you know, a lot of birth mothers change their minds about adoption once the baby is actually born. This never felt like an actual option for me. Legally I could have, but it would have destroyed any existing or future relationship with my sister and her wife-- not to mention my brother is constantly berating me because my mom helps with my current child's day care costs, and feels like I am just a giant financial burden on my mother *which was also another large reason why I chose adoption*). She also very clearly favorites my brother/sister, and is supportive of my sister/her wife's relationship, but is constantly insulting my boyfriend and my relationship and making jabs at me. So I not only resent her for picking a favorite grandchild, I also resent her for treating me like **** compared to my two other siblings. :grr:
I feel like this post is jumbled and all over the place.
TL;DR-- I have a bunch of ****ing issues with my family, my biological daughter doesn't remember who I am and I frighten her, and as a result I am losing an emotional connection to her. Any advice would be helpful. I'm starting to feel like I want to close off the adoption and not speak to my family ever again. This all hurts so much.
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Okay - I know you've been there before - so think back and remember what it was like for your daughter who is 5 when she was 3 months. Every day was new, Every person was new. She didn't remember anyone that wasn't there every single day. My daughter was great with Nana at first, then all of a sudden, she wouldn't have anything to do with Nana, who is by the way the sweetest person in the world. Kids are funny, sometimes they want a person, sometimes they don't and it has nothing to do with that person.Remember you are dealing with a lot of emotions right now. You're trying to figure out how to be an aunt instead of mom. I'd suggest you not make any fast permanent decisions. If you need a break, take an informal one. Give it time. It's a new and different relationship than you're used to. You need to give yourself time to greive, to heal, to cry, to be angry, to feel whatever you feel. Take that time and realize that right now you're raw and that makes everything feel more intense.
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I understand that. But as a birth mom it is very hurtful. If it were anyone else's child, I wouldn't be phased by it at all. I feel this huge sense of rejection from her because she is important to me. Most of the time she isn't cranky though, and I'll just be playing with her or holding her. I get upset because her moms are constantly telling me what she likes, what she dislikes, how to hold her, how to feed her, how to change her, etc. etc. as if I've never raised a child before. I've only been away for a month and a half. And I still have maternal instincts when it comes to this child. I have a strong connection to her, and I was still there with her for the first month and a half of her life. I can almost always figure out what she wants or doesn't want all on my own, and it's annoying constantly having someone else giving me input about it and "helicopter"ing over me to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong. It's like I'm treated as an inadequate parent, even though I have parented my own child and was nice enough to give them one. Having them treat me like I don't know what I'm doing after all of that is really irritating and overall very hurtful. I do want to stay in contact with all of them, but I definitely won't be making any more visits while she is still a baby. The know it all stuff and battling everyone for time with her is too much to handle right now. I'm guessing they'll be more grateful to have me around for a visit when she is older and will require someone to entertain her most of the time. Right now I just feel like I'm being an inconvenience.
This is a really hard time for everyone and I can't even begin to imagine how it feels for you. I know that you are greiving. Deep down you know that the know it all stuff is part of the first time parent thing and it indicates they're bonding which is what you really want. And you know that it's not you so much as their need to be constantly involved in everything with her as first time parents. Everyone is learning a new role right now. The hard part is that it reinforces that you are now the Aunt and that you have a different role than you want to have.Little one won't remember this time in the long run. So you might want to take a break and give yourself time to greive this loss. You are hurting. You're emotions are raw right now. That's absolutely normal. You're in a different role than you want to me not because you truly chose it but becaue you felt too guilty to change your mind. You need to process your anger over the situation, your loss because it is a real and true loss and you need to realize that it's okay if you can't handle all of this right this minute. It's okay to feel everything you're feeling. It's normal to feel hurt and angry. I think the birthparent support section has more traffic and you're more likely to get some help from those who have been through this side of it.What I see repeatedly though, is that this first year is really hard. Being in this type of an open relationship is going to had it's own complexities. Give yourself and everyone time to adjust. Most of all, give yourself time to deal with these complex emotions that are absolutely normal.I hope that you can find peace with this situation and that you can reach a point where you can be involved like you want to be.
Daitheflu99,Sit back and take some deep breathes. Try to relax. I suspect that the baby senses your tension. I don't know if you are still in Canada, but if you are, can you ask your sister and her wife to take you daughter and mother on an outing and leave you with the baby for a couple hours? Can you talk frankly to your sister and her wife about how you are feeling? Assure your daughter that her grandmother still loves her but that babies grow so fast it's special to spend time with them when they are so little. Does your mother live near you so that she will see your 5 year old more frequently than the baby?Hang in there. Again... breathe.