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Reposting because I think my first may not have posted properly
Hi everyone! My name is Charlotte and I although I have been reading the forums for some time now, this is my first post.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write....
I am dealing with some issues and would really love some feedback, insight, advice or just general support on this.
We have two children we adopted seven years ago...well almost 8 years ago technically. When we adopted our children our youngest son was 20 months and our oldest son was seven years old. (We have no other children, biological or adopted) They are a sibling group who had gone through multiple placements before we got them. They lived in our home for about six months before we actually adopted them. During this six months we bonded very well to our youngest, he did have his fair share of "issues" but it never hampered the attaching it seemed. By the time we adopted our boys I can say with confidence that our youngest was very attached to us as we were him.
This is not about our youngest son however.
The issue I am writing about is with our oldest. From day one I can honestly say we felt "uncomfortable" around him. He was incredibly manipulative, calculating and just seemed like some phoney child version of an incredibly selfish adult. He was passive aggressive to the extreme level as well. Trying to give physical affection to him was like trying hug a poccupine. Everything he did was fake, from affection, playing the part of the adorable child to being upset about various things. Yes, sure he was brand new to us but it was still like living with a stranger in a costume and it was just very unsettling.
We decided to "fake it till ya make it" because we desperately wanted to give both the boys a chance at a good life and loving home. Also there was the looming fact that we deeply loved our youngest and the caseworkers had made it very clear that keeping siblings together was priority number one, these boys were a package deal and if we didn't want both they would find a family that did. We couldn't imagine life without the youngest of the two and were certain that in time we would feel the same about the oldest.
Flash forward nearly eight years later, we are still "faking it till we make it." I have worked incredibly hard at giving our sons equal love and affection and to make sure he doesn't suspect I am not attached to him. I honestly thought that by now with all the love and attention we give our oldest that not only would he attach to us but that I would attach to him. It was just not something I ever consider not happening. I mean isn't that the way it works?! You give your whole heart to someone and they in turn give you theirs? It didn't happen that way in our fairy tale thats for sure.
We went to all the classes, did all the research and asked all the questions before we adopted. So, we knew the risk of an older child not attaching and we were willing to live with that because we figured we had enough love for a child to substitute for the love that the child couldn't give back. What I never heard in all those classes and trainings was of parents not attaching, it was all about a child that may not attach.....the thought never even crossed my mind. I mean how could any adult not attach and love dearly any child that was in their care? So yes, attachment issues on the child side I was aware of, attachment issues on the parent side was a total surprise.
So here we are now as mentioned before, nearly eight years later and we have two sons, one of whom I can actually say I love in that parent/child love and bond kind of way. The other I can only say I care deeply about. How can this be!?
Our youngest is a very loving, kind hearted boy without a selfish bone in his body. He loves us, his parents dearly, is affectionate, happy, and in general just everything you would expect a child to be that grew up in very loving and nurturing home would be.
Our oldest however has not changed since the day we met him, except for getting worse in many areas which may just be due to his getting older. He is not violent but he hints at violence or attacks passive aggressively. He has caused many many rifts in our lives. He has made me an emotional wreck even when he does nothing. We he texts saying he is on his way home, I start having panic attacks for no reason. Being alone with him at times makes me almost hold my breathe the entire time, scared and worried of what he will do next. My sister in law who works with war vets and deals with post traumatic stress disorder says I remind her of the vets she works with and suggest that perhaps I have some sort of version of ptsd. I don't know if I buy this but there it is.
Recently after one of his shananigans (we found out he had been sneaking out of the house and sleeping in the park or in friends backyards and such) we were trying to understand his actions. We couldn't understand why he would do these things, I mean we have provided him a wonderful life and all the love and affection a person could want, why was he doing these things!? He finally got angry and stood up to our faces and yelled "The problem is that I don't love yall ok!!!! I don't know why, you are good parents but I don't love you and I can't stand being around you!!!!"
So there we had it, he admitted to not loving us, which is something we have suspected for years....so it wasn't a shock. We told him that was ok, he didn't have to love us, but we loved him. He said calling us Mom and Dad all these years makes him want to vomit each time he said it and that he has never accepted us as his parents and he can't stand it when we tell him we love him or try to be affectionate. He said pretending to love us and be around us "makes my skin crawl."
This was hurtful to hear but again we suspected it.
So here is my issue, after this happened I think it finally sunk in how things really are, and at the same time I think my true feelings for him, the ones I have been trying to mask and bury deep inside these past nearly eight years, have come to surface. I have been in denial I guess about the fact that I never attached to my oldest son. I was sooooooo good at "fake it till you make it" that I think I never allowed myself to process anything emotionally. These past several weeks my anxiety has gotten worse, I am on the verge of tears almost constantly, I go through periods where I just don't care anymore, I feel a HUGE amount of guilt for not being able to love my oldest son the way I love my youngest.....and just in general I am miserable....thankfully I have had years of practice at putting on a smiley face for my family so nobody suspects a thing. :-/ But honestly this faking it till I make it is making me feel ill.
I have been doing a bit of research, trying to figure out what it is I am feeling and what I should do next. The one thing that keeps coming up in my internet searches is Post Adoption Depression. The list of symptoms fit me oh so well BUT it seems that all the cases are women with young children and only a short period of time after they adopt. In my case my adopted child I am having the issues with is now a teenager and we adopted several years into the past. Does it still apply? Can someone have all these feelings come to surface finally after soooo many years after adoption?
Just to make it clear, I feel HORRID about writing these feelings down. What kind of mother says she cant seem to love or attach to her child!? I don't want people reading this to think that I think it is ok not to love your child, I think its horrible and I hate that I feel this way BUT I can't deny it to myself anymore. Would I ever admit to my child that I never attached to him? HECK NO! I want him to always feel I loved him and was attached to him even if he doesn't feel the same about us, I think every child should feel loved....even if it is a "fake it till you make it" love.
So there you have it. My confession if you will. I know this was long, and I apologize. I would love to hear from anyone who has any insight, feedback, advice....anything. I feel very alone in all this.
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My first thought is to get him into counseling. Love is good, and I am glad you are are still telling him and showing him that you love him. But, he needs more than love to help him pull through this.And, in addition to utilizing forums such as this one, I would encourage you to find a support group in your area, and even find some counseling for yourself and your husband.
Hey Charlottemae, I read your post and i can relate.I am the child you are describing and for the life of me I can't support you enough in all your feelings regarding this whole scene. I am a male adoptee now in the twilight years so it is easy to look back at the long and convoluted pathway I came up.First, the fact that this older child does not bond with you is NOT your fault. There is no way for you to get into his head and evaluate what happened prior to the adoption. You don't share that you are an adoptee.I wanted to attach to my a-family, but it was not there. I tried for 30 years, but it never came. The stories of what happened to both of us as children are very different, but the feelings he has are the same. He is unable to identify what is wrong in his head.I was adopted under a cloud and sold into adoption at 5 months. The first step-mother died when I was 3 leaving me with an a-dad who became a single parent to a child he didn't want. There was abandonment.When I was 5, a-dad married his 2nd wife. I wanted a mom more than anything.Daily there was dreaming of cookies, cake and pie, clean clothes and bedtime stories. Instead there was only abuse at all levels.Eventually I gave up. There was to be no admission to family. I moved into a part of my head that protected me from the hurt of the adoption grief and loss. It contained a tall, large, impregnable fence. When I couldn't stand the "crazies" in my head and I acted out, I had no idea that I was grieving. I knew only that because of my sins, (and I had no idea what those were) I could never be an equal. I carried on the daily operation of my life. Went to school, took care of adults, and met all my responsibilities, but neither understood the need, or cared what happened. I tried to be perfect and a people pleaser in the hopes that someone, just any one would care enough to try to understand. But the gaps in my head persisted. I knew only that I couldn't relate or be an equal, but didn't know why.That lack of caring and bonding to people has remained all my life. For so long I tried to bond and have feelings for my family, but in the end the feelings of bonding and care were not there. There were times when if violence had claimed me, I would not have cared. As a teen, like this older son, my life was a facade. No one knew of the grief, loss and sometimes despair that permeated every thot and action.Had they known, Im unsure of the remedy. I would have been unable to verbalize what was wrong. I knew I had gaps in my head, but no way to reach them, let alone fix the problems.All I can share is that the feelings are deep and without identification. I suspect that long ago I gave up. I believed I was damaged goods and therefore unworthy of gaining the freedom to integrate into a loving family.It's easy to understand how you feel and your inability to make it all go. It is not your fault. Whatever happened to that child has created a block. He has no way to know what that block is or how to fix it. There are no links in his head that will lead him to the block.It will take some time, but a therapist and his gains in maturity will help him to try to relieve some of the congestion in his head. I wish it were possible to offer more support, but he needs help. Whether or not he will eventually be able to over come his strong feelings of protectionism remains to be seen.I wish you the best.
I have no advice, only hugs. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. As the parent of 2 older children that were adopted, I can feel the pain as a parent. The teen years are tough even in the best of circumstances. You did (and continue) your best. I highly encourage you (and DH) to go to therapy, to learn more about attachment and how you can make this work for the future of your family.
Attachment therapy!!!! You need to get him to a good attachment therapist. Yesterday. And you and your husband need a therapist as well. You have been traumatized by this. It is not your fault. And it is not his fault. An attachment therapist has been hugely effective in helping us with our daughter's attachment issues. She does not remember the things that happened to her when she was younger, but they very much shape her reactions to situations and people and her emotions and how she processes things, how she treats people when she is scared or hurt, etc.I'm not saying that good attachment therapy will make it so your older son and you have a beautiful parent/child bond. It can't fix everything. But it will help you understand him and the situation and your reaction to the situation better. It will help you give yourself the permission to be okay with it, to know what you can do to help him and to know that you are not alone or a bad mom. More importantly, it will help HIM understand himself. He will have many future relationships - with you, with other family and friends, with girlfriends, maybe with a wife and with his future children. His attachment issues will plague him his entire life. If he cannot understand them or has no skills on how to deal with them, he will ruin many, if not all of his relationships. He will likely always and forever have issues with this. But good therapy can help him understand himself, understand relationships and how he fits into them, and learn skills to be able to have close, healthy relationships in his future.Love is so very important. But love is not enough for many of these children. Love has given you the courage to ask questions you needed to ask, and will give you the strength to do things in his and your future that are challenging but necessary for the emotional health of all of you. Good luck as you move forward. It is hard. It is not fair. He is lucky to have a mom who cares enough to say what needed to be said and who will advocate for him and get him to someone who has the answers and skills that you don't.
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I haven't gone through even close to what you are, but I want to echo what others have said -this isn't your fault! We had two siblings (ages 7 and 8) for about a year and after they moved out, we realized that we'd actually attached with the older one, but not the younger. We didn't know about attachment disorders at the time. Looking back now, we can clearly see how the younger one kept us at arms length. It's strange that even though we spent so much time talking, playing, and reading with them both that we can have such different feelings towards them. It's been several years since they have been with us. The older one has continued to remain in contact and the younger has rejected our attempts to stay in touch.
I think it's a good sign that your son was able to articulate (and willing to voice) the fact that he doesn't love you but doesn't know why. He is likely feeling guilty for his lack of love for you as you are for your feelings towards him.
You probably don't feel strong right now but remember that only an incredibly strong person could "fake it til you make it" for so many years. You have a very good heart and I admire you.
Thanks for sharing your incredible experience.
Take a deep breath. You are not alone.
I surely do not have all of the answers. But I think you need to get to a therapist who has experience with adoption issues so you can work through all of this with support. Sounds like your son needs to work through this too if you can get him to go.
I am also struggling with what to do when you don't attach to your kids. I have 7 and 11 yo foster daughters who will have been with us 2 years. TPR is coming in October. My husband and I are struggling with the decision of whether to adopt or not, but I am just not feeling it. However, I know if we don't adopt them, the future does not look good for them to get adopted - and then group home, age out, badness.
Not sure what to do, but I think you have to honor your feelings.
good luck.
I hope you see this, since your post was a bit older...I don't think a lack of attachment is anyone's fault, but I think there are certain hurdles and pitfalls that you fell into in spite of your best efforts to know what those were and avoid them. For instance, in your post you make a lot of comparisons between the boys. Your entire intro was about the younger child you weren't even having issues with. It basically comes off as "They're siblings, why aren't they acting the same? His younger brother is so perfect and wonderful and he's just a nightmare!!" If you're posting it here than you're probably subconsciously airing that same attitude in the house with your body language, decisions you make and so forth. Favoritism is almost guaranteed to result in the non-favored child acting out. Children are not stupid and you don't have to tell a child in specific words that you don't like them or feel as strongly for them for them to know that you do. I'm an adoptee and my adoptive mother always favored my brother (we were adopted together). She never said it but it was oh so clear in every decision she made in which he got more privileges, in which he was not disciplined as harshly (or at all) for the same sorts of infractions, for wanting to be around him more, for nagging and criticizing him less, for appreciating the things he did far more than when I did anything or succeeded. I'm sure she would argue to the grave and be intensely offended if I (or anyone else) even suggested this but it's been proven that parents DO have favored children regardless of what they say. I also think another huge pitfall that many adoptive parents fall into is basically forgetting that they have an adopted child. That might sound ludicrous because perhaps in your mind you think about that constantly. But do your actions match your thoughts? Too many bring a child into their home and then rarely talk about the adoption or realize that many problems are related to simply being adopted. And the older a child is at adoption the more likely it is that they'll show problems. As an adoptee I almost advocate that 100% of adoptees be put in therapy for post-adoption issues from the moment they're adopted (if older) or the moment they can talk just because I don't think children can be shifted from family to family with zero repercussions and ignoring the adoption is one of the worst things families can do to adoptees. He clearly has some issues relating to his adoption. Have you tried to talk to him about them? Have you put him in therapy for it? I would also wager that he's well aware of your preference for his younger brother and has been for years and that he's probably gotten into the mindset of "They already dislike me so what's the point?" I agree that therapy is a good option. I also think honesty might be a good option too. As strange as it is, I think sitting down and apologizing to him for what he almost guaranteed already knows might be a good step instead of pretending that that's unspoken doesn't exist.
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