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About 10 years ago I went through a very unpleasant divorce from my ex and was accused by her of child abuse. At the time it got very ugly and very serious.
My son was appointed a legal guardian by the court (from social services) and eventually after a full investigation I was asked by her if i wanted to try for custody of both my son and the new baby (from a different father). My ex had been diagnosed with two borderline personality disorders and was barely functional as a caring mother.
I declined as I did not want anything to do with the new baby, although not his fault, he was too closely linked with everything that happened at that time, I knew the real father whom i detested and the baby in my mind was an extension of him and also I was single and had become unemployed, I was also diagnosed with PTSD as result of everything that happened so not in the best position to care for two children. Social services did not want to split up the two boys.
Well, ten years later I have an excellent Job am in a stable long term relationship and my new wife, of several years, wishes to adopt, we are now two old to conceive naturally.
My question is, with the accusations from my ex wife in the past, is it even worth considering applying? I know the adoption agency will wish to speak to my ex and I also know she will do everything she can to sabotage us, not least of which is she wont want any inheritance being distributed amongst more children (money is her god).
This is a process I am really not looking forward to at all as it will just open up a lot of very traumatic memories.
Is it worth even trying? Or will previous accusations make it very unlikely we would be accepted in any case?
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If they offered you the boys at that time the charges must have been dropped? If so I'd say go for it. Yes they will need to delved into your past but seeing as it is most likely documented that your ex lied I wouldn't worry about it. You will make it through with the help of your new wife.They might want to interview your ex, but they will also take it for what it is worth, not believing what has been proven to be false. They will want to interview your son also - so if you are on good terms with him this should be of a great benefit. What does it matter to your ex about what you leave, if anything. That is just selfish and immature and I wouldn't worry about her. If you and your wife want to foster/adopt I say go for it, there are so many children out there in need of good loving homes.Talk with an agency, be honest with them about your fears and concerns, they will walk with you through the process, causing as little anxiety on you and your wife as possible.
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I don't know that they will want to interview your ex..... do you mean *in general* they will interview her as you go through the licensing process? Or *specifically* because there were abuse allegations?
I have TWO exes!!! Neither one was interviewed during the licensing process and I would consider it absurd if that had been requested.
Now - the licensing worker and our home study person did ask a bunch of questions about the relationship, reasons for the divorce(s) and what I had learned from the situation. Home Study interviewer also asked how I was NOT replicating behaviors from those relationship in my current marriage (answer: been through counseling, worked on my behavior, realized what part was "me" etc).
What is your relationship with your son now? I would think THAT might play into it..... How old is he? If he would have any contact with foster/adopt siblings they would want to interview him.
All in all.... I think if you can show that you are in a good, healthy relationship now and that you have learned lessons from your past so that you don't repeat old behaviors.... I would think you would be in an OK place to foster-to-adopt or just adopt through the foster care program.
Good Luck.
Here is what I'm thinking (and you could probably discuss it with an agency up front):First, I would cut that story down SIGNIFICANTLY. You went through an ugly divorce that included abuse allegations and an investigation. They were going to check out your CPS history anyway. If nothing was founded, then it will be clear. That is half of your problem. If anything was founded, you'll probably be out of luck.The second main issue is that it sounds like you didn't have custody of your son. Did you have a relationship with him at all? Did you support him? This seems like a much bigger issue. And lastly, it is hard to tell from your post if you got help for the trauma of everything that happened and how you felt about it. Are you still bitter, angry, etc? Have you forgiven? Have you moved on deeper than on the surface? All sorts of people have situations in their past. It is how you dealt with it then and now and will. Fostering will bring up every teeny feeling you have an magnify it times twenty at times. I had to see a psychologist for secondary/vicarious trauma because of my now adopted children. Those first 6-12 months were something else!Mostly, I would stick with the facts, answer questions honestly; but be careful about getting too deep into the messy details.
You will have to pass a homestudy. Part of the homestudy is fingerprint background check which they will look for any abuse history and your life story. You might want to go to orientation and start with the fingerprints to see if you pass that section and fill out all of the paperwork about your life story with the licensor before you start all of the classes.