Violating the conditional surrender before adoption!

It just happened to me too and the adoption hasn't happened yet. No visits, but it was a clear violation. She should no longer get pictures now once a year. I'm not sure what to do as I'm sure she'll violate it again next year and for that matter, continually violate it over and over again this year.

I don't agree with this. We shouldn't be doing open adoptions just for bios. It should benefit our kids in some way and your STBAD already is showing negative impacts by it. I would never agreed to visits in our situation (and thankfully they weren't asked for) because bio mom doesn't have the ability to act appropriately and would probably will STBAD's head with lies, tell her she's her real mom and the people she "lives with" aren't, how she was taken from her unfairly, etc. Not appropriate. One thing to hear that as an adult, but not at young ages when they don't have the ability to reason. I think OAs with visits can be wonderful in the right situations. Unfortunately, it's harder to come by in foster care adoptions especially with the actual bio parent.

This is probably what I would do BUT I also have a really good relationship with DLP's mom and know she would never miss a visit on purpose. I don't think she'd lie about being there either though. If it were up to me and I felt the bioparent wasn't going to be inappropriate I would reschedule but give the warning that this would be my last time. Next time she would need to call and cancel at least 2 hours before (barring car accidents, meteorites or hospitalization). If she messed up again with those circumstances that would be it.

I think that what you do now sets the precedence for the entire open adoption. If bio mom can lie, not show up, etc. and is still rewarded with a visit she'll continue to do this throughout the open adoption. My answer would be a firm no.

I am unlike others I guess, until Adoption is finalized, I would do nothing to rock the boat. For the next visit, I would schedule it to start at the time before your commute. so if it takes you 30 minutes to get to the visit center, tell bio mom the visit is at 2:00pm. She will need to check in with security. Security can then call you to indicate that she has checked in and then, and only then, you leave your home. If she is unwilling to wait the 30 minutes, tough noogies.Alternatively, you plan the next visit to be just you and bio mom and if she shows, then you indicate that you are willing to try one more visit with child but you are not willing to put your child through angst about a visit and then have bio mom not show.I know it is easier said than done, but maintaining some type of openness is really the best thing for the future for YOUR child and your relationship with the child. As long as the child can see the REAL bio parent, it derails any fantasies about a "better life with bio" that they might cook up in their head. Depending on the age that the child was removed from the bio parent, it could make a huge difference. Once finalization is done, you can be a little bit more heavy handed if you desire. But, you just never know. I have seen families who were waiting for the finalization day and get derailed by mysterious family members that come forward. Although, my state is very family first focused. YMMV.

You'll have to show me where I said or suggested any such thing. <sigh> You can't really disagree with me regarding something I didn't even say, ya know? I certainly can't defend something I didn't say or suggest either, nor would I. I said I would give the parent a second chance unless I felt it was plain hurtful to my child to do so. My children ALWAYS come first. That is the reason we HAVE an open adoption! (note: ours does not include visitation with bps, only ext fam).

You're correct. You didn't directly say that, but you focused on the bio mom's feelings and OP already stated her STBAD didn't want to go and was already upset about it. I do agree with not rocking the boat before the adoption is finalized. I don't even need to address our contact agreement was already broken because it doesn't matter for a year. By then, the adoption will long be final.

I agree that if possible, you should give it one more try, after adoption is finalized. If at all possible, open adoption is better for children in the long run. But of course, if it happens again, do what is best for your child and your family. If at all possible, try to keep some kind of contact (pictures, etc). It sure isn't easy. I wish you all the best.

I would wait until the adoption is finalized and schedule the next visits as far out as possible to still honor the agreement signed. Giving each of you the ability to settle into your new family/roles then before the visit discuss the boundaries for the visit. If she messes up again then I would decide wether to stop visits at that point and and maybe keep contact through letters for a while until you can trust that she is respecting the boundaries you've set for the relationship.

How could that happen? Visits post adoption aren't to drop off children and leave, as DCF has mandated pre-adoption They're to allow the child to experience both sides of their family together at once. There should never be an opportunity for this type of conversation, because a-parents should always be there. IMO there should be a group of a-relatives present, so the BP/ b-relatives can experience the whole family and how the child fits into that.

It wouldn't make a difference if we were there. She'd be completely inappropriate anyway. She doesn't get it. And there are no bio relatives. It is just bio mom. There are just some situations where visits don't work. CW said she'd never recommend doing post adoption visits in this situation. STBAD can do what she wants with the info and find her (I don't think bio mom is capable of a "relationship") when she's an adult, but I do not think she'll be able to deal with meeting her prior to that, but we'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it.

Hoping, thank you for explaining. When I answer, I often answer the OP, sometimes not reading the rest of the thread until later. Obviously, that means I miss out on some points like in this case; but I have a busy household so....Second, I am very sympathetic to all parties involved. I also know that children often have mixed feelings and rightfully so. I guess I just figure that there is a reason that visits were agreed upon. I wouldn't have agreed to them in our case. I allow extended family because that is safe and healthy. At some point, I could see allowing bio parents, but not anytime soon. It is FOR the kids. I would expect there would be some issues with it just like immunizations have issues. I also believe strongly in the value of open adoption, even in the face of the troubles with it in cases like ours. I figure we all try the best we can. I suggested a second chance. I think it shows reasonableness to both bmom and the child, a support of a limited relationship, a respect of the past. Of course, we have to keep things reasonable the other way also. Mom can't miss multiple visits and expect the next one. Grandma (in our case) couldn't say inappropriate things (wouldn't happen in our case as she fully respects us as the children's parents). And the child's wishes need to be discussed, possibly professionally, and respected also (which may be a consideration in the OP's situation; I don't know). Anyway, so I don't think open adoption at all costs; but I do think we should consider it and protect it IF possible.

I agree with you. Would def not do anything to rock the boat until finalization.

if the relationship is important enough for the court to put an OAA into effect (or if both parties are willing to agree to one) then it seems kind of unfair to say that one missed visit is grounds to terminate the rest of visits for the next x years. it feels like a set up for failure, you know? its probably fair to say that in most foster cases the parents dont have reliable transportation, gas money, a good job, a support system - most of these parents struggle to function like normal adults. if they didnt, they'd probably have their kids. -i realize there are exceptions to the rule, i am not suggesting anything about the OP or any PP. - i just think if an OA is appropriate, we should be more heavily committed. i realize this one was probably set up to appease BF and allow an easy out for AF but should that be? i suppose its better to allow a child stability if a parent agrees to relinquish with an OAA versus a long, possibly unpredictable TPR trial. i also realize that OP could continue at her own discretion but gosh, i am on top of my stuff and on rare ocassion, i've missed a hair appointment, a doctor's visit or a play date with a friend. imagine if they told me i could never schedule with them again upon my first mistake. imagine if a friend told me to lose her number the first time i accidentally showed up halfway through an afternoon at the park? my daughter's birth family isnt exactly roses and rainbows (we are not open to visits right now) but i still feel this way! not judging, i realize that dcf comes up with these agreements.

I agree that she should be given a second chance. Other than inconvenience, what could it hurt? If she doesn't show up again you know you've done all you can do and that the first missed appointment was just apathy and nothing else. At least you can tell your daughter in the future that you did what you could to have a good relationship with her birthmother and didn't cut her off forever because she missed one appointment. If nothing else, what does it hurt to have some compassion with the woman? She sounds like a pretty dysfunctional person and I'm sure she's screwed up a lot but I bet she's also hurting a lot from losing her child. That could very well have had something to do with missing the appointment and increase the dysfunction in her life. I've seen it several times - parents completely unravel when they lose their kids and do whatever they can to not have to deal with it. Why not just give her the benefit of a doubt, be the bigger person and give her another chance?