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Our AD is 6 and we have an open adotion with her Biomom. 4x a year with photos and updates. The woman speaks no English and has been in this country for 15 years. She is a little in your face and a lot weird lol the visits have been going on for three years now and have been ok. Mom brings snacks and juice for all the kids, we go to a park for and hour or more, she try's to talk to us and ask questions but we have no clue what she is saying. It's frustrating but not unbearable. Well after the last visit our daughter said she doesn't want to see her anymore and that she makes her feel weird. She has brought it up a few times now, she really wants to make sure I don't schedule another visit :(
So what now???
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We set the visits up through an interpreter who has been kind enough to help out at no cost. But having her there will be even more stressful/confusing for a small child who is not interested in communicating in the first place.
The interpreter also charges a lot for her service and i know BM can't afford her.
I think you need to talk to your daughter about why she wants to stop visits.If her first mom is being emotionally hurtful to her, or she's processing adoption-related stuff or the life she lived with her first mom, I definitely think it's important to honor her wishes for space from her biological family while she sorts through those issues.If it's more like "My first mom is different from other people and that embarrasses me," I think at that point it's time to work on a teachable moment about how we have to be respectful of our family members as they are and understand that while it's challenging sometimes, we don't cut people out of our lives because we feel judgmental of them.I do think it's important to take your daughter's feelings into account, but I also think as a parent it's important to exercise your own discernment and not let a conformity-seeking phase at six years old (if that's what this actually is) dictate your daughter's ongoing future relationship with her biological family.
My son who is eight and placed with us at two weeks old, has said now for almost two years he doesn't want to talk or visit with his bio parents. Last year, I told him to just say hi on the phone. He stumbled and hesitated when calling me mom when he gave me the phone. I knew right then that I should not have given him the phone when he didn't want to talk. I am no longer asking him if he wants to talk or visit. I told him that he can come to me when ever he wants to talk to them or visit with them. It is my job as his mom to protect him and listen to him. Maybe, in the years to come he will change his mind. But, just as I want people to respect my opinions, I need to respect theirs. Plus, it is my job to protect and nurture him and if your child does not want to visit, I would find out the reason why and honor her request.
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My goal is to absolutely put her needs and wants first and to protect her. The translator has told the Biomom that she needs to learn English if she wants to be able to communicate with my little one but she has never made the effort. She speaks German and has been here long enough, she doesn't work or have any other children so there is no excuse. She is a very smart woman.
I will never cut off communication completely, I will still send her photos and updates but I just feel four visits is too much right now. Three months comes around real fast and it's too much right now for her