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This is my story, I will try to keep it short as best as I can. Please feel free to comment, reply, advise, or whatever you want. I don't need any sugar coated responses. In fact I prefer that you be straight up and honest. Im a grown man and I will not get offended.
So, a little more than 16 years ago I slept with at the time was my friend, and by doing so she became pregnant. After finding this out I had mixed feelings, but not for one minute had I ever thought of abortion. As for her it was a no brainer. She wanted and abortion and was going to get one regardless of what I say. I realized that if a woman wants an abortion she can get one and does not need the fathers consent. For weeks she hounded me and hounded me telling me that I should at least pay half of the cost which she was saying was $600 and my part would be $300. Eventually I caved in thinking that even if I dont pay half she will get it done anyways and still come after me until I pay her so I gave her $300. The day I gave her the cash was one of the saddest days of my life. It was also the last time that I would see or talk to her because of how I despised her so.
Many years have passed Id say 7 or 8 and I got a phone call from the County trying to get my information for child support. I forgot to mention that I had a son, so I figured they were talking about support for him, but when they gave me the mothers name I freaked out, because I realized that she never had the abortion done. I told the lady on the phone my situation and she suggested that I go in and take a blood test to determine if I was the father and I agreed. Well the county never got back to me but I did some investigating myself and found out that for one the day I gave her $300 she went and bought drugs and got arrested that same day. Then secondly she had the baby. Thirdly she gave the baby to some couple and had put the man of that couple as the real father in which he signed his name on the Birth Certificate, which explains why the County never got back to me. Lastly I heard that the couple then moved away years ago because they knew that I would one day come looking for my daughter.
At this time I had gotten back with my sons mother and had daughter and the next thing I know it was 15 years had passed.
One day a friend contacted me on Facebook and gave me my daughters name and city she lives in and said that that should be all I need in order to find her but warned me that my daughter has no idea that she was adopted and that I should keep that in mind before I contact her. I did a simple google image search and quite a few matches came up but as soon as I saw her picture I knew right away that I was looking at my daughter.
I will try to cut it short now that you got the jest of it all. I ended up contacting her saying I was a friend of the family's she questioned her "parents" and the truth came out. there was alot of BS on their behalf both to me and to my daughter because for one they had been lying to her for 16 years and for two they knew that the way they got her was completly illegal. Understandably all they have been doing since then is filling her head with negative things about me. Regardless of that my daughter has since contacted me without their knowledge. It has been like walking on egg shells ever since but I keep reassuring her that I am not trying to take her away from her life and what she has grown to know. Explaining to her why her "parents" are acting the way they do so negativly is because they are scared of whatever possibilities might happen to them, if any! Bottom Line they are scared of me. Its been a year now and my daughter is being very cautious with meeting me and then it came to the point where she said that before we meet she wants to know if Im her real father for sure, so I suggested a DNA test, and she agreed. Well these things can be done online and in my case can be take at home and then sent back in for testing. We agreed and I bought one. Had them shipped to her and me. All that had to be done was a cheek swab and to mail back. I did mine mailed it back and when checking the status of our tests I find that she never turned her in. When I asked her she said she wasnt going to do it because her mom said that she dosnt trust it! Now i know that the real reason is because when the results come back saying that I am the real father then that is going to prove that the Birth Certificate is not a legal one. Now all that does is keep me and my daughter from meeting and now we are back to square one. I am torn wondering what I should do. I can just forget it and try another way, I can wait 2 more years and she will be 18, or I can even try and do the one thing that I never wanted to do and contact a lawyer or even worse the proper authorities. The "parents" are pretty much leaving me with only a couple of choices when all they have to do is support that fact that I am trying to be a part of her life now not trying to start any trouble and let her take the test. I dont know what to do or dont do....
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I don't have a lot of sympathy for the parents. They knew they committed a crime.I do have sympathy for you and your daughter. She's got a lot of things going through her head right now. She has a lot to deal with (and that's not your fault) but it will take her time to sort out her feelings.You might want to share this on the Adopted Adults board and ask those who've been adopted for input. One thought I have is having a conversation with the parents. Explaining you don't want to take their place, but that you do believe this is your daughter. And you would like to be able to know her. And you'd like to have their support as that would make it easier on everyone especially your daughter.Of course, I'm pissed about the situation just reading it and am having a hard time not wanting to tell you to get legal advice - but I don't think honestly that's in your best interest. It would hurt your daugher and therfore your relationship too.Your best bet may be to wait until she's 18. When she's not living at home and is better able to decide for herself.I'm so sorry you are even having to deal with this. It wasn't right that her birthmom placed her without informing you.
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Im thankful that you understand my situation. Its like a catch 22 theres both positives and negatives, but even though I feel like the victom for being robbed of my daughter I have to keep reminding myself that this is ultimately about my daughter. Its just so hard not to think about where i would be now had she been in my life all this time. Talking to the parents was the first thing i did and i did do just what you said trying to explain that im not trying to stir things up, but it was like talking to a door knob. Everything they said to me was BS and even tried to making it seem like i gave her up and never wanred her etc. So its clear to me that they told my daughter the same BS so that they dont look to be ths ones in the wrong... In fact I know thats what they told her because sbe said the same things to me that they did.
I think right now you just have to be patient with her. I know for you this has been many years building. You've been robbed of being a parent and are desperate for both justice (and maybe a bit of rightful revenge) and to parent with the couple years you have left before your child is a legal adult. But remember that for her she basically only just had her world imploded. For her she had no idea that her family was not really her family. She had no idea that she was essentially stolen. Those are a lot of heavy things to deal with and she is still young. And as with almost all adoptees...she feels torn. Regardless of whether her adoptive "parents" are legal or not, they're still the ones who made all the dinners, bought all her clothes, were there to pick her up at school every day. It's difficult to even describe the confusion and heartache of feeling like you have to pick a side: your adoptive parents or your biological family. It can take years to settle one's feelings about one's adoption. I hope it doesn't take your daughter that long, but you have to be prepared that it might. It's not something she can simply square away in a few months and start hanging out with you easily. Especially when your relationship with the people she views as parents is so volatile. So just be patient. Hard as it is. Accept that there may be periods of weeks or even months without contact. Eventually she may grow up, have more independence and confidence and square her feelings and seek you out. But unfortunately what's done is done and you can never get back the parenting time you've been robbed of. All you can do is try to be there when SHE decides to have a relationship with you and one of the best ways to do that is to simply be supportive, patient and let her take control and make decisions. I wish you both the best of this bad situation.
Thank you very much for the support. Yes it is a very difficult situation and at times I do get very impatient and it is hard not to get angry at the entire situation. I understand everything that you said about being up to Dominique on when or even if she is going to want to get to know me at all. As for now I have been just sitting back and waiting... and from time to time I will send her a message via social media but even that is very heart wrenching just knowing that my daughter is just on the other end of these messages talking to me. I will make sure to share when or even if we do eventually meet.
Thank You
How do you know that they did anything illegal?
Maybe the biomom slept with that man too and convinced him that the child was his.
Or maybe they did adopt the child legally. In most states that's not hard to do without notifying the biofather.
and seriously . . . you contacted a 16 year old directly and didn't go through her parents? That's irresponsible, very disrespectful to her and to her parents.
and then you allow the child to have contact with you knowing it is behind her parents' back?
and you don't even have scientific proof that she's yours? You're lucky you aren't being served with a restraining order.
If you want to have a relationship with this girl, go to her parents. Start by apologizing for contacting her behind their backs. You'll be lucky if they let you make amends.
If they won't cooperate - you can file a paternity action with the proper court and request a court order for a paternity test. But in my state, if a 16 year old child says they don't want to be tested you might be out of luck.
I wish you luck, but you didn't start this the right way.
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