Help: coming to terms w/ not knowing birth parents

If it helps at all....I know as an adopted person anger and anxiety was what came before I was able to trust enough to talk about the pain. It took time and with patience I suppose from the people who cared about me I was able to talk about it. I think a therapist is a very good idea as well. It helped me. It's tough being in a relationship period let alone dealing with the baggage of worrying about what keeping the other person from connecting. I think if you are honest and he knows you are willing to be patient and not leave him while he's dealing with these issues it might help. But if he becomes resistant or takes his anger out on you in anyway that's not something you have to take. There is a certain amount of shame or "not fitting in" we deal with at times and that's infuriating to the people who care about us. It keeps us a closed book in some ways. I know it took a while for me to find my way...but in the end I became a very loyal person. Good luck.

The other thing is some people think that seeing a therapist mean there is something "wrong" with them. That's not the case at all...but a lot of people I've talked to have this misconception they should be able to handle things and that taking that step is confirming they are weak in some way. Maybe suggest he takes a look at this forum. Who knows he might find something that strikes a chord. It's too bad there aren't more support groups out there for adopted people. I am not sure where you live but maybe someone would know who is a good therapist in your area. Some therapists specialize in the issues surrounding adoption but I think many of them deal with children.

Thank you guys for your responses. They are truly offering me insight in helping me to understand him. I feel like because my only basis with a relationship with an adopted person (who does not know who their birth family is) is him I have a hard time identifying what's him, and what comes from his struggles with being adopted.I have asked him a few times about his feelings on the topic, but it only seems to emerge when he's drunk or feels comfortable being vulnerable when our relationship is at stake because of his anger issues.Honestly, I think that maybe forums like this would help him feel less alone, but he distances himself so much from seeking support and finding a community. Are there any ways I should suggest it might be helpful, or would it be insensitive to broach? I just want him to be able to talk to someone who "gets" where he's coming from and not feel so isolated. I suspect that the feelings of isolation, secrecy and shame are what lead to his anger and anxiety.I try to be there for him as much as I can in a non-pressurized way but he always brings up the fact that even though I have a problematic relationship with my birth family, at least I have one, and that I couldn't understand what it means to not have a support network. I tell him if he lets me in emotionally I am trying to be his support network and there for him unconditionally.

i will allways look 4 what answers abought my brith family even thow i have foud some im still looking 4 more what might help is findding some info abought him self

Outofmydepth, I had a few additional comments for your evaluation.There is great fear in searching. It may be related to the possibility of additional rejection, or simply a fear of the unkown. What will I find, and when I find, what will be the outcome.Most adoptees, not all, search. They want to find their origins and what happened to create the adoption event. Often their hope is to meet their b-mom in the hopes of finding answers to the questions of, "why did you give me up," and "did you then, and now, love me."What often goes unrealized is that searching is related to a roller coaster ride. Some days no matter what the information unfolds, it is able to be withstood and processed. Other times, an all encompassing need to take a break, comes about. The search is put on hold untill new courage and strength is found.Adoptees dont search for many reasons, but what is known is that the search begins because not only have they found the strength and courage to find, they are ready to accept what the search brings on. That does not mean that what they find they are able to easily process.Adoption is like a chronic sore that never heals. Some days it requires more attention than others. Or a shadow that never speaks. It is always there, lurking in the background...waiting.When he is ready, he will search. It may have only small beginnings, but those will lead to a search of more and more info.I wish you the best.

So very true!

Hello, I was an adoptee at the age of 8 weeks, 54 years ago. I have recently been diagnosed with Adult ADHD and am receiving counseling and taking medicine to mitigate my personality quirks. I have gone through stages of anger, distancing, and apathy toward many people in my life. Unfortunately, many of the relationships in my past have been damaged/ruined due to my erratic behavior. My marriage has almost been ruined, and now, after receiving counseling from a psychologist and medicine, things are on the upswing. In fact, we're celebrating our 15th anniversary today. My counselor told me that 85 - 95% of male adoptees have ADD or ADHD and for me, it helped to explain much of why I act the way I do. I tried to contact my BM through a reunion agency and was rejected. I will have to go on without knowing much of anything about where I came from. It's the best I can do, right now.

While I know ADD and ADHD are more prevalent in adoptees, the percentages you sited seemed far too high, so I did a quick search online. I found information that this study is commonly sited in the literature. A study by Deutsch et al. (1982) found that 32 to 36% of male adoptees have ADD.

Hello Jeffuru, welcome to the forum. Lots of good people come in often and many have experienced the same types of problems. Come in often, and someone will be able to help regardless of the problem.I am a male adoptee and have never re-united. But, as adoptees, many of us have the same types of problems and it's always good to get someone elses thoughts.I wish you the best.

Hello, and thank you for checking; I was also told of the study in 1982, but my doctor said that there were more recent studies that resulted in the higher percentage. I don't know for sure, but it may be due to, when I was born (in the 50's) there wasn't a diagnosis of ADD yet, and perhaps the data is still being compiled as more adults demonstrate symptoms of Adult ADHD, (like me). Anyway, thanks for researching. Jeffuru

Hello Drywall,Thanks for the welcome. I do spend some time looking at other's experiences. It has been enlightening for me to see how other people are managing their search, or decision not to , or reunions, whether they turn out good or not. I thought that I may have dropped a bomb on my bmom, as it has been so long since she gave me up.Blessings,Jeffuru

Yes, but the more recent studies are believed to encompass children who were adopted through foster care and older placements, which may account for higher numbers. That's not to discount your experience. The incidence of ADHD and ADD is higher among adoptees. I'm glad that learning this information allowed you to understand it better.

Hi L4R, Truly, I had not been aware of any statistics having to do with ADHD. I began taking medicine for it and counseling with a psychologist in September of last year and have been told some things about it that were completely news to me. I don't wish to stray off onto a bunny-trail about my experience, I just would have liked to hear from my bfamily, e.g. if my dad had a similar personality or if I bear any resemblance to him, etc. I'm not holding out any hope that they will want to meet me. Jeffuru

In which state(s) were you born and adopted?I hope that you will one day be able to contact your father's side of the family. My father was very receptive to me. My mother has not.You could consider doing a DNA test, such as 23andMe. I know of at least one adoptee whose mother would not reveal the father's name, and the adoptee found relatives via 23andMe. The adoptee is now in contact with the father's side of the family.... It would definitely be a long shot, but if you have no other options, why not try it. (Or 23andMe might lead you to your mother's side of the family. I'm guessing that her identity was not revealed to you because you went through an intermediary.)I see you are in Washington. If that happens to be were you were born, you will be able to obtain your OBC if your mother hasn't requested to remain anonymous:"Adoption law change opens access to birth recordsOLYMPIA -- A new law will open access to original birth records for all Washington-born adult adoptees beginning next July. Birth parents who placed their child for adoption on or before October 1, 1993 must notify state health officials if they want to remain anonymous.Senate House Bill 1525 gives adult adoptees the chance to get information about their birth parents. Any birth parent can choose to share personal information or keep their identity confidential by filing a contact preference form with the state Department of Health. If they file a contact preference form, they must also provide information about their family’s medical history, regardless of whether they choose to disclose their identity. Birth parents can file their contact preference form and medical history information now by downloading the forms on our website. If a birth parent doesn’t file a contact preference form, the adoptee will be able to get a copy of their original birth certificate.Starting on July 1, 2014, people 18 and older who were adopted on or before October 1, 1993 will able to request their original birth certificate. Until that time, the law only allows adults adopted after October 1, 1993 to receive this document.The change means some adoptees will not have to go through the court system to get information about a birth parent. That option will remain available for birth parents and adoptees who prefer discreet contact."[url=http://www.doh.wa.gov/Newsroom/2013NewsReleases/AdoptionRuleChangeOpensAccesstoBirthRecords.aspx]Adoption Rule Change Opens Access to Birth Records :: Washington State Dept. of Health[/url]

Adoption is like a chronic sore that never heals. Some days it requires more attention than others. Or a shadow that never speaks. It is always there, lurking in the background...waiting. Originally posted by Drywall.

Is sooooo true.