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OK, so this is my first post here and I'm going to try to keep it short, but somehow I'm not sure that will happen;) As a bit of background, my wife and I are in the process of adopting a 14 year old girl and her 7 and 8 year old brothers. We've had several visits with the children and today the girl will be coming to our house to the first time. As we are not fostering, we are not required to lock up sharps and such, however, the girl has had a short history of self harm and my wife is a bit concerned. (I believe that there was one incident of her cutting and one incident where she took a pencil eraser and rubbed it on her arm enough to cause several burns) I think the most recent incident was a few weeks ago and there were definitely a few major things that happened at that time that could have triggered it. For the most part those issues have been resolved, however, obviously if it happened once it could happen again. Part of me thinks that she is 14 and if she really wants to hurt herself she's going to find a way to do it whether our knives are locked up or not. She could walk to the grocery store and buy a knife, or use an eraser or something again and I'm not entirely certain that locking up the knives will really solve anything. Additionally, at this point she hasn't self harmed very frequently and as she is new to our family we have no intentions of leaving her home alone for the foreseeable future, so I question whether it's worth going through the trouble. However, on the other hand, my wife feels fairly strongly about this, and it would be terrible if she does take a knife and hurt herself and we could have stopped it. So, I guess my questions are this... what do you guys think? Is it worth trying to lock up our sharps? Also, if we do lock them up, what's the best way to manage the key? I searched the forums a bit and most of the posts were talking about locking up sharps to keep them away from little kids and putting the key high up in the kitchen was sufficient. Obviously that won't work well with a 14 year old;) We don't always carry our keys with us when we're at home, so it could be quite inconvenient if we had to run up to our bedroom to get our key chain every time we wanted to unlock the knives to cook, but I'm not sure it would be feasible to hide a key in the kitchen either. She's bound to see where it is at some point and even if we move it, once she knows it's hidden in the kitchen she could search for it. Thanks much
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I have thoughts and my first is that based on your OP you have a fairly good level of denial as to the issues and triggers of harming ones self. I am NOT flaming you but that behavior can be very dangerous and she did it very recently. You need to think strongly on your opinion on self harm. Your wife is right, but so are you. Sharps should be locked up! As you said though, if she really wants to, she will find something...but what if the lock was enough to deter her? I lapsed in locking my lock cupboard for about a 2 minute time frame, I was taking something to the laundry room. In that time frame our FFD who was almost 18 got into that cupboard, she got 2 bottles of pills and a knife. She went to her room and swallowed all those pills and cut her wrist. She was fairly close to dying. She had a very mild history of self harming (very mild) I'm with your wife! Lock it all up!!!
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BrettS
OK, so this is my first post here and I'm going to try to keep it short, but somehow I'm not sure that will happen;) As a bit of background, my wife and I are in the process of adopting a 14 year old girl and her 7 and 8 year old brothers. We've had several visits with the children and today the girl will be coming to our house to the first time.
We use combination locks on everything. A tackle box with combination lock for knives. And key code entry on our bathroom which is where razer blades and all household chemicals reside. Another key code entry to garage so power tools are locked up too. And this is for child with no history of self harm.
Odd as it may seem, self harming urges often last for a very short time in children and younger adolescents (exceptions exist, of course). It's not like a kid decides he or she is going to cut, gets dressed and goes to the store, buys a knife, walks back, and then cuts, at least not often. It is almost always an impulsive act. My DBT therapist friend who works with a lot of self harmers has them time how long the urge lasts without acting on it, and it is usually just a few minutes!Many of my patients who self harm say that they are deterred by things like the main knives being locked up and things like that. Obviously, if they were really committed to doing it they'd find a way. But it's a shortsighted, impulsive act.You can probably guess my recommendation: absolutely lock up the sharps. 100%. I would also recommend learning more about adolescent self harm. It's really very common, but most people have tons of preconceived notions that are dead wrong.ETA: I tentatively second the electric razor idea. They're awful and don't work well and I despise them, but they are a lot safer. Maybe someone has used one and can recommend a good brand?
I am assuming your stbd has a counselor and I would speak to them about this. Cutters are generally not suicidal and the cuts are pretty superficial. If she wants to cut, locking up all the knives will do nothing to stop her, she can cut with a variety of household items. Personally I would not lock up things unless she was suicidal which is generally not the case in cutters. She is simply trying to deal with emotional pain and stress. Instead talk to the counselor and see if you can come up with a plan wherein she comes to you or your wife if she feels like cutting and find ways to focus on addressing the underlying problems
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Self harming can come in sooo many different colors. I keep my knives out of reach, but mine are younger. If I had a KNOWN self harmer coming, I would definitely lock them up. I keep mine in a large tool box with a place for a combo lock. There is no way to do it "on the sly" She will notice that you have to get a lock off the box and such. I would lie a bit and say that you are required to do it for licensing or something. It is a pain. Now that we are final, it feels so good to have my med box (still up in a high cabinet out of reach) just sitting there....no combo lock! My daughter is only 6 but she self harms in a way.... if she has any kind of bite (mosquito/ant) she will itch it til it bleeds, then once it scabs, she will pick the scabs again and again and again. In summertime she has to wear pants under her nightgown to bed so she wont scratch herself bloody. Her legs have permanent scars because of it. We cant go outside much because of the mosquitos..... one bite will last months with her picking at it. Oh and COngrats!! Bless you for taking teens!
For a lock in the kitchen, we drilled a hole in the front of our usual kinfe drawer, and a matching hole just above it in the wood. We threaded a combination luggage lock with a flexible shank through the holes. We have a similar setup on the bathroom cabinets. The best part is that I don't have to actually remember all of those combinations because they're tsa compliant (which means they're crap but liscensing allows them) and they all bump with the same key. BUT - know the background of the kids. I've had quite a few with superior lockpicking skills and the tsa style locks only take a low level of ability.
digmykids
I have thoughts and my first is that based on your OP you have a fairly good level of denial as to the issues and triggers of harming ones self.
phxmama
I am assuming your stbd has a counselor and I would speak to them about this. Cutters are generally not suicidal and the cuts are pretty superficial.
On a practical level, if you have knives locked up, you and your wife could carry a single key in your pocket, on tiny keychain or not. I didn't think I would put a lock on my office door until I got a teen I suspected might be stealing cash from my purse.... The peace of mind was worth it.
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We lock lots of things and carry our keys on us and lock our bedroom door (with a key). Lock picking is quite easy with certain locks, especially those TSA ones. I don't lock up knives though. Had a couple times when I did have to put them in our room for specific kids/situations. With having a known cutter coming (and you said she has only done it twice-but that has been twice she has been caught. I used to cut all the time as a teen and it was rarely seen. She could be cutting areas you cannot see as well.), I would take the extra step of locking up sharps. You can get a combo lock so you don't have to keep a key "hidden". GOod luck!
Without knowing anything about this child in particular, but based on many years working with teenagers, many of whom self harm, unless she has a history of using kitchen knives, chances are thats not what she is going to go after, and if you lock them up you might make her feel like you don't trust her. I would put away any knives that you don't use on a daily basis, so that you can tell on first glance if you are missing any, but don't padlock your knife drawer. Do make sure you have removed all the razors from your bathroom (including "safety razors", they can pop the blades out of those fairly easily), check your desk drawers and art supplies for exacto knives and other small, sharp items. Most adolescents use very sharp, very small cutting tools like a straight razor because you can draw blood, and leave a visible mark without actually causing too much pain. There are kids who will actually hurt themselves, but they are in the minority. Talk with her therapist, if shes one of those kids who is just trying to make small marks on her arm to make herself feel better or get attention for what every shes struggling with locking your house down might be counterproductive.
I was a cutter in my younger days. My object of choice was a broken lightbulb. Most cutters don't use knives. I don't know her specific history, but most cutters use razorblades, glass, and other sharp objects that don't hurt very much but allow you to "watch it bleed" and leave a mark. If she's a TRUE cutter and not just doing it for attention, (there are lots of teen girls who "cut" but really just for attention) she will be mortified that you KNOW she cuts and I would be surprised if she even attempted to get something out of the kitchen, because then she could be seen. Typically they keep their sharps hidden. So, I would be more inclined to do room checks, etc. IF she shows signs of cutting.
We did respite for a girl that had a history of cutting and burning herself. We were super careful about having everything locked up. She brought a lighter that she had stolen from her regular foster home... I was kind of pissed at the foster parents about that, especially since she caused a fire in our house with it.
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PinkStar412
Typically they keep their sharps hidden. So, I would be more inclined to do room checks, etc. IF she shows signs of cutting.
For new placements, particularly older placements, you do need to establish early on that you are interested, willing and able to keep them safe. Locking up the knives isn't just because she might use one - it is also to send the message "It is my job to keep you safe and I take that job seriously." Lock up the knives, any medication, and household chemicals. Buy a can opener that unseals rather than cuts the cans so you don't have sharp lids/cans in the trash/recycling. Be open and obvious about the safety precautions you are taking. Tell her it is important that she feels and is safe in your home. Good luck.