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Background...I am currently fostering my cousins (father of child) 2 year old daughter. He has for the most part dropped out of her life. The mother on the other hand is in and out with drug issues (disappeared for the majority of the open CPS case). As of a couple of weeks ago BP have had services with social services terminated and in January their rights will be taken and the adoption process begins for me (yay =).
Anyways, due to my baby's age (I call her my baby), I feel like she would be better off not having any contact with her BP's for at least a few years so she can get established and lead a regular life. Especially due to her age. I have no intentions of not being open with her about her being adopted (and have read some great ideas on how to do this on these forums), but am afraid if she has unstable contact with these people it will effect her in a negative way. She currently has zero behavior problems, is flourishing with me, and seems very content.
Mother seems to think that I am taking care of "my baby" for her so she can come in and out whenever she feels like it. She is extremely unstable, compulsive liar, and doesn't appear to have any real connection with "my baby". Social Services has already informed me that after adoption, I have complete and total control over everything concerning who she is around and how I raise her.
I would love any advice I can get. Thanks =)
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It seems harmful to a young child to expose her to a selfish irresponsible adult who may confuse and hurt her. If the birth mother has had her parental rights terminated, and you have the option to discontinue contact, it seems it would the best thing for the child IMO to avoid contact until at such time, this child is old enough to make an informed decision for herself.
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I am in the process of adopting my son (formerly my cousin's son). DH & I agreed no contact until it is best for Happy Baby.
We had to stop her from coming around our oldest bioson about 7-8 years ago because of her addiction & a scary situation.
You are the mama now & forever. Might as well lay it all out there for biomom to know.
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You're where I was 3.5 years ago (my cousin was bf.. the BM has addiction issues. both were in denial)
The best advice I can give you - write down exactly what the conditions for future contact will be, post adoption.
Maximum number of visits, duration, location, who is allowed to be present, what happens if they don't show up, show up impaired, say something in appropriate.. if the call the house, show up unannounced
This serves to be your OA contract (with kin, its near impossible to disappear, as others in the family know where you live, go to family events, etc)
They can either sign it, or lose contact.
if you pm me your email address, i'll send you a copy of our OA
things are great now, but don't get me wrong - that first year was rough. some people assume, because they are kin, they got the est of both worlds. someone to do the hard part of parenting, while they get the fun part :p
best of luck to you :grouphug:
oh and join us over in adoptive parents, relative adoption support. you'd be surprised at how many people are in your shoes
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Can you make sobriety, rehab, or participation in a 12 step group a condition of contact? I've known people who were addicts, got sober, and became good responsible people. It can happen, just not often. By giving that control, by making there be consequences and rewards, it could be just right.
My kids were adopted, and the worst thing is that she won't let me have contact no matter what I do. I served as a prayer chaplain, I work, I contribute to society, but she treats me the same as if I was a crack whore.
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our kids' first mom still believes that she will be getting the kids back. they've been with me for 6 year, adopted for the last 4. sometimes because of the addictions or mental illness or denial some people just don't get it.
it's been hard for me to reconcile the desire to have some openness with the very clear indicators that first mom is not yet stable enough for safe contact with the kids. and make no mistake--although I would like to have a bit of openness, I will not allow my kids to be exposed to all of the stuff that is still going on with their first mom. she is not a respecter of boundaries--not even the no contact order that we have. how could I believe that she would respect my wishes about what can be said and done with the kids?
she's told me how difficult this is for her--and my heart just breaks for her--but until i believe that she will respect my boundaries, that she will bring no unnecessary drama (her issues, not the ones my kids will have), then no. she will not have contact.
my responsibility is to my kids, not her.
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eomaia
My kids were adopted, and the worst thing is that she won't let me have contact no matter what I do. I served as a prayer chaplain, I work, I contribute to society, but she treats me the same as if I was a crack whore.
That is heartbreaking. You are a success story! Good for you for beating your addictions, both physical, mental and spiritual. IMO that is the only true way to sobriety. I am so sorry your children's amom will not allow contact now. I pray that she sees your strength and commitment and allow appropriate contact.
I would love for Happy Baby's firstmom to be able to be a part of the entire family. I miss her so much. I have so many good memories of growing up with her. I can't wait to share those with Happy Baby. I looked up to her when we were growing up, she is about 2 years older than me. She was gorgeous and a cheerleader! Then "something" happened. I could take a guess at a few things that could have sent her over the edge into the hardcore drug scene but after 15 years, does it really matter?
The problem is...in her mind...there is no problem. She speaks of conspiracies to steal her children and cannot tell the truth if you ask her what time it is. The drugs have seriously taken a toll on her. It's sad and heartbreaking. I just wish she would STOP HAVING KIDS. Do what you want with your life but I can't stand the thought of another one of her children being farmed out to another family member or to a stranger foster home. But it is a very real possibility in the near future.
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powerof3
That is heartbreaking. You are a success story! Good for you for beating your addictions, both physical, mental and spiritual. IMO that is the only true way to sobriety. I am so sorry your children's amom will not allow contact now. I pray that she sees your strength and commitment and allow appropriate contact.
I never had any addiction issues. I was in an abusive marriage. I know there's some people who want to stay in abusive relationships, but I just wanted to get out, take my children and my stuff and go home and get on with my life. He wanted to ensure that if I left him, it would be at great cost. Think Jigsaw in the Saw movies, he's a big fan.
I did do a lot of personal growth work while fighting for my children, and after losing them. I recognize how unhealthy I was when I got into a relationship with him in the first place, and I regret that, but I don't regret my children. I'm in a good relationship now with a wonderful man who adores me. His family loves me too. We have a wonderful community of smart creative positive friends who appreciate us. I look back at when I was married to that nasty man with his mean gossipy stab in the back family and having to deal with CPS trading us like we were MR, and I shudder and am glad I got out- but my kids are still stuck in that family, so I pray for them.
powerof3
Iwould love for Happy Baby's firstmom to be able to be a part of the entire family. I miss her so much. I have so many good memories of growing up with her. I can't wait to share those with Happy Baby. I looked up to her when we were growing up, she is about 2 years older than me. She was gorgeous and a cheerleader! Then "something" happened. I could take a guess at a few things that could have sent her over the edge into the hardcore drug scene but after 15 years, does it really matter?
The problem is...in her mind...there is no problem. She speaks of conspiracies to steal her children and cannot tell the truth if you ask her what time it is. The drugs have seriously taken a toll on her. It's sad and heartbreaking. I just wish she would STOP HAVING KIDS. Do what you want with your life but I can't stand the thought of another one of her children being farmed out to another family member or to a stranger foster home. But it is a very real possibility in the near future.
That's sad. I had a close friend who got hooked, and I miss her. I sincerely wish that we had a truly fair system in this country, but most of us who are pushing for child protection reform have no sympathy for parents on drugs. If anything, the system is used to dealing with addicts, so if they get sober, it's easier for them to get their kids back. Until people decide to change, no one else can stop them- but having motivation to get sober can make a huge difference. With adoption, I'd like to see all adoptive parents set appropriate boundaries to open adoption so that if parents are healthy and sober, they can have contact with their kids.
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