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I was in reunion with my birthparents for 4 years. It did not end well. I terminated the relationship because I felt that my birthmother really did not want to participate in it. Although she initiated the original contact with me, she developed some pull back symptoms. This was painful and caused hurt feelings for me, but I tried to work through things with her requesting only that she be honest with how she felt. I would have preferred, and we talked about, her telling me that she needed space because she was having some difficulties with reunion rather than her telling me everything was fine while her actions said otherwise. In the end she was unable to do this (this is the nutshell version of what happened). The final straw for me, however, was discovering that after 4 years of reunion she had not told her family about me (despite telling me she had told them and requesting that my kids call her grandma). I was incredibly hurt finding out about this and told my birthparents that I was out of the relationship until they got some counseling or were ready to be in an honest relationship. I haven't heard a peep from them in more than 3 years, but have had sporadic contact with a couple of my 6 birth siblings (we had never communicated much to begin with).
A couple of weeks ago, my son, who just went off to college, told me he received a friend request on facebook from my birthmother. He wanted to know how he should respond. He doesn't seem to care one way or another, but mostly he doesn't want to do anything that would upset me. The problem is that I don't even know how to guide him, and the whole thing is making me very upset. What was she thinking!?! I cannot understand what she is hoping to accomplish. My feelings say 'How could she try to initiate contact with him instead of me.' When I ended things, I felt I left the door open a crack for them whenever they felt they could handle a relationship. This "simple" friend request has really reopened things for me in a negative way.
I am debating how to respond: (1) just let him do what he wants (I'm pretty sure it's to deny it) (right now he's just ignoring it). Option #2 is to write her a letter asking her what's going on and why she chose to initiate contact through him at this time. I'm leaning toward option #1 because I don't think I want to rehash an old wound.
Does anyone want to theorize why she chose to friend request my son and does anyone have any advice on how to respond. Thanks for listening.
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I too am a person who deals better when someone can just be honest with me and straightforward. Not everyone can do that.I can absolutely understand why you were hurt that she hadn't told her family about you. I can absolutely understand that her reaching out to your son hurts as well. That's natural. I know that many of us think that words like honest have one meaning and that using that word should give a universal meaning. But we all see words through the filter of our experience. She may have felt that she was being as honest as she was capable of. She may still feel that she can't give you the relationship that you want or meet the terms that you are willing to accept. Maybe she feels that she can have a relationship with her grandson on terms that they can both live with.Even though, you don't feel like your demands were unreasonable - and I'm not saying they were. I think it's possible that at least for now, she can't be what you want and she recognizes that. Your son is an adult now. He's at college. He should respond to that friend request however he wants without fear of repurcussions from you or fear of hurting you. If he wants to have a relationship with her, he needs to be allowed to go down that path and make his own decision.I would tell him, it's up to him, to do what he wants and that you don't care either way. Make sure he believes you don't care. And I would ignore it. I would not contact her because she hasn't contacted you. This is between them and really doesn't have anything to do with you although I know it feels like it does. In my opinion from what you shared, she didn't initiate contact "through him" as you stated. She initiated contact with him. It's a subtle difference but an important one. In the first statement, the entire thing is about you. In the second, it's about him. Don't read into it. Mainly, I'm so sorry that you are hurting. And I hope you find healing for yourself.
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I agree with dmariehill that your son needs to make the decision completely on his own. He shouldn't feel trapped between the two of you. It seems like your mother wants a relationship with her grandson. She waited until he went off to college. She waited until he was an adult. I, however, do not agree that your mother was being as honest as she was capable of being. I am truly sorry that your relationship operated under the lie that she had told her family about you. I would be livid if I had been informed that family had been told about me and then later found out they hadn't.I'm sorry that your reunion did not work out as you had hoped. I do hope that one day your relationship with your b-parents will be mended, if that's what you want.
I tend to agree with the idea that she and your son should work things out for themselves but I know if my birthmother contacted my daughter; my daughter would be polite but loyal. As an adult her position is; it's their loss. She has been a buoy in a sea of confusion for me.
I think she would attempt to feel out what was going on with my birthmother to cause me such pain. I don't know if I would be able to keep from trying to figure what the motive was and I know my trust has been shattered so I would be protective not wanting to see my daughter enter into a relationship with someone who is unstable. That's how I see it. If you can't be honest enough to explain what's going on or sensitive enough to offer some explanation; it's difficult to accept.
Rejection after searching for a long time is exponentially harder than anything else I have experienced.
I know that loyalty runs deep and I accept that so maybe it would be good for the shoe to be on the other foot. I have sacrificed my relationship with my siblings to avoid hard feelings for the time being. I think it's normal for a child to be loyal to their parent so I have politely stepped back with a pretty clear explanation.
It might not be a bad thing for the shoe to be on the other foot for your birthmother. Let her explain herself to your son. I would sit him down and say that you will be okay with whatever he does and try not to react but you're human. Tell him that so that if you find yourself trying to get answers he can say something. Does he know of the pain you've gone through with this?
That's the first step I guess to try to explain as objectively as you can what is was like for you so he can set some boundaries so that his relationship with your birthmother becomes his relationship with his biological grandmother if you get what I mean. Remove yourself out of the quotient as much as you can without denying your own feelings. They will surface anyway.
spotty, I can understand being upset. For me, it's one thing when I get upset over things, it's a whole new game when my kids are involved. It's not easy being put in the middle. Both of you are in the middle in a way, that makes everything so difficult.
I learned that reunion is not easy for our kids either, not emotion free. Throughout my reunion - our reunion - I noticed how we all got to deal with similar emotions. I was shocked at first the depth of their feelings about it, it hit them hard too. I started talking to them like they were adoptees also, basically they are, just once removed, they grew up not knowing their family too. And now we have the task of building relationships, in the midst of all the emotions everyone has.
My son is extremely friendly, and very forgiving, my daughter not so much! She thrives on confrontation, she just says it, but does manage to be polite, usually. We make a good team. We protect each other's feelings, usually without admitting it. So when stuff like this comes up, there is a lot of talking.
It's hard for me sometimes to insist they make their own decisions with their individual relationships with everyone. I try, but I can't always hide my upset, my worries, my anger. I know I cloud their decisions sometimes, hard not to, I don't even have to say anything, they know, they are going thru it too.
Just be there for him, talk to him about how he feels about his reunion, what he really wants. At the heart of it, every relationship is between only two people.
I'm guessing your mother might think building a relationship with him might be easier for her. Especially if she sends money and college care packages. My son has learned how to work all of his grandparents out of their money while at college :rolleyes: More power to him, and it seems to make all the old people happy too.
Now I work on not being jealous LOL because he is in touch with my mother and father and their families more than I am! To be honest, it makes it easier for me. I communicate with them often thru him. Their individual relationships with him are much different than with me. It's hard to explain, maybe it's easier to be a grandparent. I am OK with it, I'm happy for my son... until they aggravate him while he is at college! I have asked everyone to keep him stress free, at least until winter or summer break.
Hope things work out well for you and yours spotty