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My son knows he is adopted and we have incorporated this subject into everyday life since he was born. He realizes he did not come from my belly. That topic came up when he was 3 due to so many women from our weekly play group being pregnant. He knows some things. Our situation is a bit precarious because our story is so public. We are in ministry and are well known throughout Eastern Canada so our testimony gets shared in many different venues and he is present in many cases so being honest with him is essential since it's talked about anyway. I'm looking for books or movies to help him process the adoption. Wondering if anyone knows of some good resources to aid him. He knows he was "sick" when he was born and that we had to spend time with him in the hospital, he knows he came from someone elses belly and is now asking why he has 2 mommy's and that is hard for this mamma to explain. He's so young that it's hard to draw the line. He will likely know more then the average 4 year old adopted at birth but, I don't want this to get too confusing for him. We do have a real blessing in our situation that helps some, His birth mother chose as soon as she realized she was pregnant to put her unborn child up for adopting knowing if she didn't he would be taken anyway. He was her 5th child the other 4 were placed in foster care. She actually spent time with us for the 1st 7 months and saw him a lot. She really did care and so did his birth father, At least I can confidently tell my son without any reservation that his birth parents loved him enough to make sure he had a good home. I'm just wanting resources that will encourage him in his journey to grasp adoption. It's an open adoption but, we live in another province so no contact with birth parents anymore, we send pics and updates once a year. He has a picture of them which he has not yet seen, I'm not quite ready for that yet and I am not sure he is either but, I have it stored for him along with a journal and a memory box. The box I do pull out sometimes and show him since it is filled with things like his hospital card and first hat and stuff like that. He really likes looking at these things. I have to balance our life style as Christian leaders with being sensitive to my son's ability to cope with TMI. Any thoughts? Our story is a long one and filled with many faith stretching moments and he factors into our lives even before the womb in a very big way. I'm sure many of you can relate to that. Well I want to be a blessing and a support to his growth so if you have any ideas please feel free to comment. thanks.
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I understand being in the ministry and therefore having so much of your life be public.I think you should consider removing the adoption story from your testimony. Here's why. It's not your story as much as it is his. And you are removing his ability to have control over his own life story as he gets older. There are going to be times when he wants to control who knows and who doesn't. He deserves to be able to have that control.We were originally quite open about LO and her situation, but I realized that by my sharing, she was losing her privacy. From my experience with adults who were adopted as infants especially, many of them want their privacy. They have so little control over what has happened in their life that it can be important to let them have control of this. So my first advice is stop sharing his adoption as part of your ministry. I'm in the middle of making a book for our LO that tells her story. It's not my story, it's hers. It starts with her birth, not how we came together. It will include that she grew in someone else's belly, it will include her bparents names, their picture, that she has siblings living elsewhere. It will include an age appropriate answer to why she was adopted. It's an all about her book. I'm keeping the writing at a toddler level and as she grows, she can ask the questions that come to mind and we'll discuss. Your son is going to be confused to some degree right now. He isn't developmentally able to fully grasp the concepts. That's okay. Just answer as best you can age appropriately. Allow him to have his misunderstandings and just keep telling the same information over and over. AS he grows, his questions will change and his understanding will too.
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I am also a pastor in a large church. I have been on staff there for 16 years. My church family is very aware of our journey through foster care and adoption. I don't know how else to do ministry than to show our lives. We don't over share but at the same time... it is very obvious. Our children are of various races and it is pretty clear. It was also a big surprise and very public celebration when we got pregnant last year and gave birth to our son. It is the life of a Pastor's Kid. It is public by definition.
I am also an adult adoptee- who grew up in an open adoption. Being adopted is special and exciting. It made me understand who I was also adopted by God into relationship with Him. I tell people that everyone should be adopted (by God). Our children know both my mothers and that Daddy only has one mother (poor Daddy). We talk about how Grandma Cindy is my Tummy Mommy and Grandma Sue is my Mommy Mommy. (These terms will have to evolve at some point but for now they work for us).
Like you, we also use the word adopted all the time and our kids are very aware that they are. When I was pregnant last year- my oldest (now five) had lots of questions about when she was in my tummy. I had to reexplain things that I thought were clear but oh well.
I love the book God Found Us You. I still can't read this book without tearing up but we still read it and it makes things clear to my kids (age 2,3 and 5). Beautiful story and fun for kids.
My main plan with my kids is to make it as normal as possible. To talk about it and share it both with them and with others. They talk about it too and I think all of that is healthy and is a reality of being a Pastor's Kid. Can't really change it so might as well embrace- that's my thinking.
Thanks for the encouragement PastorStephanie. You have been very helpful. My husband feels the same way I do about sharing our story and being open and honest with our son. He just turned 5 and is now starting to openly talk about his adoption where as before he almost seemed angry if the subject came up. It's normal with him though as when he does not understand something he gets very frustrated and displays this as anger. We have recently discovered that he has some sensory integration issues and has a very difficult time displaying his emotions in proper context so everything he says and does is heightened 10 fold. Our lives and home are NEVER boring that's for sure. We are working with him now that we know what is going on so he is starting to calm down a bit. The fact that you are an adoptee and agree with what I am feeling and that you realize the true nature of being open as a pastor helps. Tonight as I was reading your post my son was with us and when I mentioned a tummy mommy he laughed and asked if he had a tummy daddy as well. The few parts of your post I read to him seemed to bring this subject in a positive light and he was actually happy about talking about being adopted for the first time. We have always been positive and encouraging when discussing his adoption but, I think the terms you used helped him understand better.He loves being in the public eye so I expect one day he will be sharing our story from his perspective. When that day comes I hope to be the proud mommy mommy sitting and cheering him on. thanks.