Do you ever learn to trust your child

Here I can give my daughter, age 12.. "independence"... but I have a security camera set up so I can watch her every move. Therefore if I need to intervene I can...

Learning to trust is something you do after you stop having issues. You can't learn to trust while problems are still happening. Until then you have options to either bunker in to protect yourself and your stuff or to try to contain him through supervision. Like you said, he is at an age that demands freedom. So protecting yourself is probably your best bet. If I were you I'd at least get a content filters set up on all of the computers--try K9 Blue Coat for free. If you have devices that you can't install protection on then get a Netgear router because Netgear has a feature called "Live Parental Controls" that can filter the whole network at once. If he has a smart phone then turn off his cellular data coverage or replace it with a dumb phone. He can still get porn at a friend's house, but at least you aren't enabling it. I'd also replace the privacy lock on my bedroom door with on that locks with a real key. It's a pain for awhile but you'll get used to it. Be sure to hide a key somewhere because you'll lock yourself out a lot at first. You should let the police handle most problems outside the home. Don't just wait for them to catch him. Do your civic duty and call them yourself. It sounds like an awful thing to do to your child, but remember he is a juvenile and this is a practice run. This is your best shot at keeping him out of jail as an adult. It might take a few tries before they charge him. When they do you'll have to go to lots of court appearances and you'll probably end up with a probation officer who can end up being a very powerful ally for your cause.

I'd also change the password to the Wifi if you have that and do not tell him what it is. That way he can only access the internet with your permission and can't sneak on, figure out a way to get through the controls and all that other fun stuff. Keep documenting (video taping if possible with your phone so you can do it without him seeing) his outbursts and never be afraid to call 911. As for trust..I agree with Jeff on this one. He hasn't earned trust yet and you are still in hyper survival parenting mode. I think the best you can do for him is protect yourself. While the small improvement is actually a big step, it's not enough to make a difference in how you change your parenting/rules. I'm sorry you are going through this!

Thanks for the replies. At this point our bedroom door is padlocked shut when we are not in it. It actually has been for over two years. He doesn't have a phone which drives him nuts because his 17 yr old brother has one and can go on facebook on it. When he does get one it will be one that he can only text and talk on--no camera because he takes inappropriate pictures and no internet. He would have had a phone if he would have stayed on cross country but he wouldn't run to get ready for it so he ended up quitting right away because he couldn't keep up. As far as computer is concerned he doesn't go on unless he is supervised. It is password protected so he can't get on when we don't want him on. We can't control what he does when he isn't at home but he rarely goes anywhere but school or church.My biggest concern is dating. He isn't ready for it for many reasons but is obsessed with idea of a girlfriend again because he has an older brother. He is obsessed with porn and underwear ads , steals ladies underwear and can not handle when told no. These things scare me when it comes to him being alone with a girl.We are trying to trust him more and do a little more but it is really hard with his track record. Now we are back to having to worry what he is doing at night because he has been sneaking down and stealing food. I sleep so sound sometimes that I am afraid he is coming in our room while we are sleeping and that is how he is getting my underwear(they go from our room to laundry and then usually right back to our room when washed. We are very careful not to let them out anywhere he can get them.As far as police handling outside of home most of behaviors happen in the home, although we do know he has stolen things from a store but never been caught. The police around here are not very helpful either.

Just make sure he can't put a lock or stick or something through to lock you into your room while he has the run of the house! Without becoming invasive in your supervision all you can do is not give him a car or a bike. There will always be some girl out there who will agree to sex. The best you can do is hope there isn't one at church and that he won't find one within walking distance. This is one of my biggest fears too. I've got kids with big problems and I don't want them to mess up another generation. I wish there was a way to stop them from having children. I think our best shot at saving my kids' children is to do my best to make sure I have a chance to be involved when that time comes. For me that means no longer trying to change them when they are teens, giving them enough freedom that they don't see a need to be rebellious, and nudging them towards choices that will keep them close when they are adults. Could he be pulling them out of the washer or dryer while it is still running? You can get closed door alarms for pretty cheap. They run on batteries and make a sound when the door opens. If all you want to do is protect your own room while you sleep then you can stack a pile of cans in front of the door so it will fall and crash if the door opens. We've been doing this for a long time and have a long way to go so we've actually wired the whole house with a real burglar alarm and video system that protects all of the children's doors and windows. Such solutions are a pretty big investment and probably not worth it unless you have more to come after your 16 y.o.

[QUOTE=jeffw]Just make sure he can't put a lock or stick or something through to lock you into your room while he has the run of the house! I had thought of that but we actually don't have to worry because there is another door in our room that leads into our youngest sons bedroom that is locked from our side. I don't even think he realizes that. So far he hasn't tried that. I think we might have to put a door on his room and put an alarm on it. Right now none of the bedrooms except ours have doors. I am not in a hurry to put a door on. Our oldest son who doesn't live here anymore had been sneaking his girlfriend in after we went to sleep and she was actually living here without us knowing it.

You can protect open doors with motion alarms. However if you want to consider that then you should know all consumer grade motion alarms use passive-IR technology and can be fooled by masking your heat from the sensor's view. If you throw a cold blanked over yourself you can walk around freely until the blanket warms up. Kids who have spent time in foster care may already have picked this up from peers. Some others may be able to figure it out.

i, too, am sorry you're going through this. we have had to password protect everything, otherwise someBubba gets up in the middle of the night to play. i would suggest soupisgood as your password. our older son chose it and our very bright 10 year old has been unable to figure it out for nearly 7 months!

We have a password that none of our kids have been able to figure out and I don't think they ever will. We also have the internet access on wii password protected. With our old computer there was a site for them to go on without internet to play their games and we had to make it unavailable at night because we found out he was getting up and playing games in the middle of the night.

I think it is normal to want to give our kids freedom. However, if they cannot handle it, then I do note think it is a good idea to let them have it. I have gone thru this with our dd. She is now on the waiting list to be placed indefinitely in a supported living arrangement. Hopefully, she will do well and will need less and less support over time, which will be the goal for her. I have another friend with a rad daughter, of legal age, who lives in fear of her life. Freedom for rad kids is not a good idea in my opinion. We have seen improvement with our dd. EMDR has helped greatly. She is still going through this therapy. However, getting back to the trust question. My dd has inflicted a lot of abuse and has done significant damage to our family. Even if she changes 100 percent, not sure you can forget what has transpired. Also, there are meetings and support groups for sexual addiction. We have btdt, too. Good luck.

Yes, it is normal to give kids space & freedom....our kids are not "normal". If they cannot handle it then they simply don't get any. One of mine has had a TBI & basically lies 98% of the time & will do anything to get his way...luckily he's the worst liar ever & his stories are insane. He met a 17 year old online... told him to stop. Kept talking to her & both sent graphic pics I can never un-see (gag) & was trying to talk people into driving to her state to pick her up. So I took his ipod touch, laptop, cel phone & blocked the internet. I did this a year & a half ago....he constantly asks for his stuff back & I ask what has changed...his reply is always "nothing, I'd do it again." He once snuck into my office & tried to hack my computer...it was just sad. So my bedroom & office have a keyed lock & will for as long as he lives here. We also had to limit TV & gaming because he was spending 80 hours a week in front of the TV. He now gets an hour per day & still has to be told to turn it off, he cannot control himself at all. I don't feel bad at all for enforcing normal limits when he clearly cannot....I also don't play into the "It's not fair" angle when his little brother can do anything he pleases. Little bro is 18, more honest than I want to hear, graduated, works, has a girlfriend, pays his car insurance & cleans up after himself...I have zero complaints with that one. Learn to trust him by give him something small...like grounding him from something but not taking it away. If he listens to you then slowly start upping the privileges....if not then back to square one.