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AD9 has been with us since age 5. She has not seen her birthmom in that time. Every year, the time between Christmas and her birthday (March) is a challenge with behavior issues, usually directed towards DH and me. This year, one year post adoption, I sent bio mom a letter and started contact as she sent the kids mail through the paternal grandparents of their half brother.
This opened up communication and bio mom is now writing letters/gifts to the kids. Before that it had been a long time since they got anything. Unfortunately, AD9 is now struggling emotionally. She refuses to talk about it and is not interested in counseling. The only reason I know something is bugging her is because of behavior towards DH and me. I know AD is hurting and missing her birth mom, and she is probably frustrated/angry that she can't spend the holidays with her. But it is really hard to enjoy the holidays with her acting out.
I am thinking of keeping contact with bio mom (letters/photos twice a year), but not sharing it with AD for awhile to see if that helps. If I do stop contact for AD with bio mom, can I still maintain it for AS (he has no memory of her) or would it be better to stop it for both and just keep contact between the adults?
Any suggestions for how I can help her and our family have enjoyable holidays? :confused:
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She may need you to point it out and for you to let her know it is a pattern. She may not realize it but if you gently let her know you can see the pattern and maybe make little supportive comments that let her know that you see this time if year is hard for her, that her stress level seems up, is there anything that you can do or she can do to make it easier for her........I wouldn't put your ideas of why it happens but maybe just open the door of discussion about it.
She may not be interested in talking with a therapist but it may need to happen anyway..........you might need to both go and say it is for you as a family can learn how to communicate better, handle stress better etc.....that may make it easier for her to go and start talking
SM
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We are in a similar situation in that our Foster Daughter (5.5) has not seen bio-mom in a year. Any mention of her, or if FD sees that bio-mom is calling me (she knows the spelling of her name) it elicits poor behavior for at least the rest of the day. At the end of the day she then always asks why bio-mom doesn't want to be her mom, love her, etc.
It is my personal opinion that my foster daughter, and potentially your AD, are not able to handle the emotional complexity of the situation. Perhaps when she is older that will change. For now we are choosing to not expose her to anything in regards to her bio-mom.
Good luck! It is never easy to see them hurting.