food for thought

*sigh* While, at one level, I get why this saying is very popular, it makes me very sad J's bps screwed up 13 ways from Sunday.. and they continue to do so. But they are her mom and dad. they just are. She loves them like they are a special part of her life and always will My husband and I have lives that revolve around her (that's what waiting 20 years for a kid will do ;) ). we love her with all our hearts We are there when she can't sleep and listen when she is dealing with bullying, her first crush, missing her brother, etc. I hold her hair when she throws up. My Dh drops her off at school every morning because the school bus is "too noisy". He plays barbie, monster high dolls, and lego "house" on a regular basis. I teach her math, how to cook and read We are "mama" and "dada". They are mummy and daddy. We ALL play a role in her life, her identity. And we all love her. While i like to think I'm better.. more important.. In her life, we all play a factor. Its not as simple, at least in my world, as this poem portrays

if you realy read the post you would see that frist there are big difernts between a mother and mom or father and dad to me a father is someone who help creat the kid and the mother did the rest a dad or a mom has too earn the right to be caled mom or dad and thats where kove and sport come in and yes a mother may have a bad labor but that dose not take a lifetime to do

i did read it. I do not agree that someone earns that right. To me, that is a naive statement A child defines who their mom/mother/mama/mummy is. their criteria is different form society's their criteria may be: who do a look like? who is my earliest memory about? who made me feel loved? not who didn't get stoned and ignore me when i cried

bs41, welcome to the site. I'm sorry. Sorry that you have so much hurt. I'm sorry that for whatever reason you have to distinguish between your biological and adoptive parents, that you have to elevate one above the other. I don't know if you are pulled more by loyalty to your APs or by anger at your birthparents. You'll find that many people on here don't feel the need to put down one set of parents in order to feel okay about the others. You'll probably also find fellow adoptees who may have felt similar at some point in their lives.The problem that I have with your statement is that it reduces the biological parents to sperm and egg donors. It ignores the pain and difficulty of the decision they made. It dehumanizes all of them. There are birthparents on this forum. I don't know of a single one of them that didn't struggle with the placement of their child. I don't know a single one that doesn't still struggle at times at least with it. They've been through a lot of pain. You also have to remember that there were many reasons for a child to be placed. Some moms felt they had no choice, they felt pressured by society, or family, or the birthfather. They might not have any support to raise a child by themselves. Often the agency told them the child would be better off without them. They were already made to feel worthless and second class citizens at the time they placed their child. Many find that they are still treated that way by people who know they relinquished a child. And keep in mind that during the BSE (baby scoop era), moms didn't have a choice. If you were a single mom, that baby was being adopted. It was not acceptable at the time to do anything else.To act like those women are less because of those things, is insensitive. It's okay for each of us to have our hurts and to find ways to deal with that hurt. But we need to be careful that we do so in a way that doesn't demean or alienate an entire group of people.I was a stepparent adoption. I take issue with what you wrote as it doesn't describe my dad at all. My step dad was abusive and an alcoholic. My dad thought he was giving me a better life. He was wrong. It was the 70s and dad's didn't have the rights they have now. But I have a relationship with him now and he is a dad. He is loving, caring and supportive. No he wasn't there while I was growing up, but he's much more than a sperm donor.Each child decides what role the different parents in their life play. My 2 adopted kids will decide later what role their birthparents will have in their life. I don't decide that. They may decide not to have them in their life or they may decide to have a relationship with them. That's not up to me. My kids will have to deal with the loss of the parents that created them. They'll have to deal with the choices they made. I'm sure it will hurt - sometimes more than others. But I will never demean their birthparents by acting like they were just sperm and egg donors. They are their genetic parents. What my kids decide to call them will be their choice.To pretend that there's a difference in mother and mom is just playing a game of semantics. I'm my kids mom and their mother and I didn't give birth to them. Their birthmom can also claim both names. They mean the same thing.

i was adopted in the 80s my mother was abuseing me and even tried to kill me my father was nowere to find my adpotive mom and dad where great and thay where divored wile iwas growing up and thay had a new spouse but did not marry again there spouses helped rase me too even with out anny paper or blood line to them when i found my bmother she had told me that if i dont have drugs money or licqor not to come back and my bfather has not been found yet when i wrote this it was becouse my amom just got marred two a new man and he whants me to call him dad and whant me to not call my amoms exboyfrend dad becouse there never was a paper or bloodline between me and him i know that some may have a good family base with both parenets blood and none blood thats great but if all thay do is give life and then not try to bild a relsionship at annytime then thats where the difers come in to play i can say with regreat that that my bmother dos not want me in her life and probly even go has far to say she never whated me around or loved me as for m bfather i dont know if he even knows im a live and as for calling my amoms new hisben dad he is gong too earn that right he maybe my step father but not my step dad yet and i still call my amoms exboyfrend my dad and allways will