help and advice birth parents and all

I am so sorry but No please dont reply like that on her facebook page. That brings many many other people into a private conversation. Her comment about her amom is just that. about her amom I am sure she feels great positive feelings for you as well. She can love both of you in many many ways. But social media is not for certain types of topics.

I am so sorry but No please dont reply like that on her facebook page. That brings many many other people into a private conversation. Her comment about her amom is just that. about her amom I am sure she feels great positive feelings for you as well. She can love both of you in many many ways. But social media is not for certain types of topics.

I don't know that you are being too sensitive - your feelings are what they are, and are neither right nor wrong. How you respond can be right or wrong, though. I know it's really hard, but her comment is not about you. She loves her amom; that's a good thing. I know you were coerced into placing her for adoption, but I'm guessing (hoping) that it was not her amom who coerced you. Even though you wish you could be parenting her, it is a good thing that she is happy and loves her amom, since the alternative would be her NOT being with a good, loving mother. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, or how long you have been in contact , but you say "recently." That means she does not know you nearly as well as she knows her amom. To you, she is and always will be your daughter, but she may very likely have a hard time seeing you that way at this point. You may or may not ever get a "shout out," but I also suspect that it's more the relationship that would be important to you. Relationships take time to build. Again, relationships take time. I hope she did have a fun time with you. You say you are not as wealthy as her amom, but it is not a competition. I can't fully understand your position, because I am not a bmom, but I do empathize with you. Just like aparents are told, your daughter does have another mother, and you will not be able to take that mother's place, just like she won't be able to take your place. From your post, it sounds like you may be ready for more intimacy than your daughter is, so you may need to be patient while you get to know one another better. I would suggest not saying anything about the picture. Even if "everyone" knows she is your birth daughter, but your everyone and her everyone may not be the same thing. If you make that comment, first off, you are "outing" her as being adopted to everyone she is connected with on facebook (and many people have lots of "friends" who they don't really know and may not want to share that much of their lives with). You also take away her choice about how she sees you and how she expresses herself. I have heard many adoptees talk about how damaging it is for them when their aparents can't accept them loving or having a relationship with their bparents; do you want to send her the message that you don't think she should love her amom? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this; it is clear that it brings you a great deal of pain. But please, try to let it go. Let your relationship with her develop however it's going to, and most of all give her the choice of what she's ready for. Good luck navigating the emotional and logistical difficulties of reunion.

Thank you both for your kind replies. I know that FB is not a good forum to comment, like that, I actually hate Facebook as it is another source of great pain for me. Seeing my daughter with her family and wanting to be a part of it. I was very young when I had her. She is in her twenties. It wasn't a case of a couple who wanted a baby. It was a couple who had already adopted multiple times. They have several daughters. Even bio kids. But somehow mine is the favorite. I never had another daughter. I think if I had, it wouldn't have hurt quite so much. I am happy for her. But sad for me. I don't ever hear from her, unless she wants something. On one hand, I back off, and on the other I am trying to hold on. I need to know what to do because I do not know anymore.

I have seen Facebook destroy more reunions, even ones that have lasted for over 20 years, than I can count. Please take it from me -- do NOT comment at all when your daughter posts stuff like this. It's pretty common from what I've seen. I'm assuming her adoptive mother is also friends with her on Facebook. If so, your daughter could easily be posting this in order to alleviate any fears or anxiety her mom could be having over your reunion. You have to grow some pretty tough skin to survive the roller-coaster of reunion. A lot of things are going to hurt from time to time. Just remember that you're not in competition with anybody, and it takes quite a while to settle into a comfortable rhythm after we reunite with our adult children. Hang in there. As long as she doesn't cut you off or block you, you're doing fine. :loveyou:

I agree with Raven. Also, be careful about trying to give her gifts. The greatest gift you can give her is your love which can be costly, but not in terms of money! You can't change the past; all you have is today. Concentrate on building a healthy relationship with her as conditions are today. I have been in a reunion with my bson since 2005 when he was 33. I have never said anything negative to him about his amom. She is the one who raised him and he loves her. I have my own unique place in his life as the the one who gave birth to him and whose genetic heritage he shares. I have focused on getting to know him as an adult. I don't think you will gain anything by trying to compete with her adoptive mom and you may hurt the relationship you are trying to foster.She is your daughter, no matter what, and always will be. No one can take that away. Try to remember that she is an adult and that we parent our adult children differently from the way we parented our children as they grew to adulthood. (If I want to make the children I raised distance themselves from me, all I have to do is sound like I did when they were 10 and they are out of there!)Reunion is a roller coaster, but I think it is worth the ride!

Speaking as an adopted adult, there is nothing worse than being caught between first family and adoptive family. Please don't do that to your daughter, especially on Facebook. It makes me so uncomfortable when people air their family business on FB. As for gifts and such, I just wouldn't do that. Be there to answer questions and such, don't set yourself up for expectations of being there to fill material needs.

I agree with everyone else, commenting is not a great idea. It would put your daughter in a tough situation and even at 20ish that would make me want to run. When I read your posts, they both seem to have a fair amount of negativity towards the amom. I understand how painful it must be too see that relationship, but I'm a bit confused when you state that " It wasn't a case of a couple who wanted a baby. It was a couple who had already adopted multiple times. They have several daughters. Even bio kids. But somehow mine is the favorite" . It * is * a matter of a couple who wanted a baby, does it matter how many others they have? I too had two daughters when I adopted my 3rd, I really wanted a boy but like in nature it wasn't up to me. But I'm sure they as I love all of their children an equal amount. Some kids show love in different ways (making it seem like they're the favorite). Seems like your sweet child likes to shout it from the roof tops! That's a good thing, you created that wonderful caring person! Sometimes even as wonderful as pictures on Facebook are; if it's too much for you, you can "unfollow" her. So you don't see everything she posts but you can go to her page when you want a new picture without all of the motherly love posts. If you've just begun contact with her and she's that vocal about her Mom I'm sure you'll get an I LOVE HER post someday too. She was placed in what sounds like a good home where she is loved, happy & healthy and from the sounds of it a darn sweet girl. I imagine that will eventually work its way to you. How could it not. I'm sorry you were coerced in to giving her away, it happens way too often to young women. It needs to stop. I'm soo sorry for all of your pain. I hope you can find a healing place eventually.

I agree with Belleinblue. I'm also an adult adoptee. She is probably in a difficult position right now. Have you thought that maybe her relationship with you has caused her a-mom to feel insecure? So, maybe this young woman felt the need to publicly show her love for her mother. It can be a very difficult balancing act for an adoptee. I think it's fine to send her something small on her birthday. But, don't try to gain her approval through gifts. Just give her room and time, and hopefully she'll want to get to know you more.

Agree w/ belleinblue...I am not an adopted adult (PAP actually) but my husband is an adopted adult. I have seen him caught between his birthfather and his adoptive mom (birthmother wasn't an issue -she was family so amom didn't mind a relationship there). With my husband, the one he is closer to today and talks to more is his birthfather. Not because he "chose" one over the other, but because his amom was so unsupportive of the reunion and has built up in her mind that it was a negative impact on my husband. So, if I could offer any advice, it'd be to not make her choose between the two of you. There is a chance that if you make her choose or put pressure on her to treat you exactly like her amom, she could turn away. (Hope that makes sense.) Also, agree on the FB thing - I cringe when I see families arguing and posting too much personal drama on FB...and honestly, if you posted something like that, it would likely only make things worse and not better. Good luck! Maybe things will get better with time. (and FYI - my husband was in his 20s when he met his birthfather.)

ALERT--This is turning out to be a long post. I'm also a natural mother in reunion, although my son was much older, in his 40s, when we connected. So far we have not met in person, although we live an hour away--I'm leaving that up to him. But we have a great friendship, mainly because it turns out we have so much in common, from our looks to our interests and even our politics--so we mostly talk about that. We touched on the really personal stuff only at the beginning, and then just have kind of become friends (maybe he is waiting for me to intensify, but it seems better to me to let it come from him). He has asked my other son that I raised to meet with him and I send gifts to my "other" grandson--although through the parents so I think they come from Santa or something. At first flush of reunion I had fantasies of meeting and us all being one big happy extended family, but that hasn't happened and I have become content with that. I think we need to keep in mind that reunions are difficult all around--we are all going into uncharted territory and their isn't a guidebook. I can't imagine anything stranger or more unnatural than meeting the person who is at the same time the one that you've had the most intimate relationship in the world with--that of mother and the child that grew inside you --and also is an adult and a stranger. There aren't any guidebooks and there isn't any history of folk wisdom passed down for us. We're all kind of holding our breath and leaping off the cliff. As you've figured out, FB or other social media isn't the place to work this out--20 somethings have a completely different view and way of using it than older adults anyway. And she may well have, as someone said, been trying to reassure her mother (in my experience, which isn't scientific, it seems that the amoms are the most threatened by reunion--and as the adult adopted people here have said, being torn is not a comfortable place to be. So as hard as it is--and believe me I know how hard it is--try to accept that your child has a mom who raised her (note I am saying a mom, not the only mother) and while to you she is the baby you carried in your body and agonized over her being taken away, to her you are an adult she has no history with. A friend of mine--actually wasn't my friend before the topic of adoption came up and then we discovered she was an adult adoptee and I was a mother who lost a child to adoption--said about her reunion as an adult: "I met these people that I had so much in common with but no history, and there are all these people that I have a history with but not so much in common with, and nobody understood how I felt." So I think it's rough on everybody. And really, while we as women who suffered through losing our children were treated as if we were rational adults with options, the truth is that now almost all people in their young 20s are more like teenagers than adults. Even the APA has extended clinical "adolesence" to age 25. So, as hard as it is and as disappointing as it is, try not to expect instant intimacy and instead maybe try to build your relationship in a different way, recognizing the sad, IMO, fact that you weren't a part of her life when she was growing up but you can be part of that now. Don't obsess about the amom or her motives--that's tangential to you building a relationship with your now adult daughter. Don't lick your wounds in her (physical or virtual) presence--it won't resonate (if you want, though, you can PM me and vent and express all you want). Take it slowly. Let her know you are there and you love her, but give her space. Tell her you had so much fun during her last visit and want to hear more about what she is doing now. The sad news, for those of us who lost children to adoption, is that we will never be in a parental relationship with our children. The good news, though, is that many of us have a chance to build a relationship as adults. It's all we have. It's worth cultivating.

Beautifully said Patsymae!

Patsymae, I really appreciated what you wrote. I am in reunion with my daughter, and email is about as far as we can go, and I'm content with that until she is ready for a face-to-face. She is really busy right now with a new job in a new city, so the emails have dried up for the time being. It's only been a week and a half, but it feels like an eternity. I'm determined to have her dictate the pace of the reunion in terms of what she wants to know. I enjoy writing, so I write REALLY LONG emails, but I try hard to keep things light and fun. We have not discussed any of the tough questions, including anything having to do with the birthmother, yet. I'm sort of anxious to have that discussion with her because I want her to know that we were together for 3 years in a loving relationship during our late teens/early twenty's, but just couldn't make it work. I want her to know how much her birthmother loved her, since she has admitted to not really much at all about her birthparents. It's a lot to process, both in her words back to me, and from what I've read, so I'm just not wanting to introduce those topics yet until she asks about them. Miraclegirl, I won't say I know exactly how you feel because I'm sure I can't. I'll just say I'm very sympathetic to your pain, and I know what it's like to want to demonstrate love and affection to your surrendered child, but feeling caught in the middle not knowing your child wants or how to interpret their thoughts and actions. I'm just trying to exercise patience, empathy, and interest in what she does. I live in the moments when she writes that she likes my last letter, or she looks forward to the next one. It will never be enough, but it's okay for now. Best wishes to you.

Hi Miraclegirl - Your post was awhile ago, but I empathise with you, I felt exactly the same way when I was in reunion with my daughter who is in her 30s. Based on what happened to me Id like to bring up a different perspective for you. For instance, with you buying her things she may be starting to feel a bit obligated that you expect her to fulfill your needs as a mother Җ I know that sounds harsh but to her you are a stranger that she was curious to find out about and once she has all the information she needs for the moment she is happy to drift off. When she wants something she contacts you because you dont really know her but she can be sure of your attention. Question is, are you happy to have a relationship with her like that? Also, her amother may not like you buying her things either even if she is well off. ItҒs like an ownershipӔ thing weird how it sounds but possibly true. Your birth daughter can play you off against each other for attention, presents etc. Which in my opinion, is what she MAY be doing on Facebook with that post. It֒s a bit over the top when she knows you are out there in my opinion. If I were you Id take a step back yourself and observe for awhile, get to know her better. All the best to you.