Feeling horrible about disruption

Yes they can, but more from ignorance. Perhaps humor would turn the tide. I know when people say what they would do for my son, I either whip out the business card of the local placement agency and tell them how excited I am that they are such wonderful and experienced foster parents and how I'll be so happy to follow their model when THEY have a child with needs......or in my son's case, get REALLY excited and tell them I'm SOOOOO glad that they have cure for autism!!!! Its wonderful and I'm sure we can make a lot of money with their cure.

I have heard others on these boards suggest printing cards to hand out in lieu of discussing it. You can express how much pain the disruption has brought to your family... it was a decision that was not entered into lightly, but for the safety of your family and the high level of needs of the child, it was the only decision that could be made.... and that you appreciate them respecting your privacy during this difficult time. You may add in there that prayers for the healing of this hurt child would be welcome. As pp said, the card may even mention "If you feel called to help children in need, please research these resources about RAD and ODD, and contact your social services agency."

For what it's worth, we disrupted with a sibling set a few years ago- a 2 year old and newborn. The guilt was very intense at first, and then I began to see the silver linings. A few things that helped me:1) I didn't try to explain our reasons to disrupt. There were 100 reasons, some huge, and some minor, but in the end we did what we had to do. Also, it's no one else's business why. It's not up for debate.2) Disrupting gave me a much better tiny glimpse of what a Birthmother might go through. I became more compassionate. 3) My faith was strengthened. When you give 100% every day and still fail- fail the child, fail your family, and fail yourself, then it's time to let go. I felt like God had a different plan, and fighting God on a plan doesn't work out so well.When you feel stronger, consider returning to church. Remember that you owe no one an explanation, and remember that you are only part of the big picture. Perhaps being honest in what your family could and could not do will help someone else who is silently struggling. I said to someone once, "I'm glad that you do not understand this, because I would not wish this on my worst enemy." They just don't know, you know?Natalie

My son and DIL are in the midst of disrupting the adoption of their son. Their child is abusive, violent, smears feces all over (including trying to poison their food with his feces) and is a sexual predator - all at the age of 10 years old, or so they say. MD & DDS say the kid is 13 to 14 years old, and I tend to believe it is so. I'm sure his age was misrepresented just to get him adopted. Anyway, they are now getting some of the same disapprovals from "friends", members of their church and even from some family members as the OP's are getting. People who have never adopted, or have never even raised a child themselves, brag that they could never give up a child. It is too selfish and ungodly a concept for them to even consider. And to be honest, prior to my own experience with this adopted grandson, I might have been criticizing my kids right alongside those other ignorant people. I had absolutely no idea there were children out there acting like that. I understand that part of it is that very few people outside of family and his other intended victims ever saw that behavior. He was a little blond blue-eyed charmer to strangers and mere acquaintances. That was the really sick part - his horrible, disgusting behavior was all voluntary. He could turn it on and shut it off at will. He knew what behaviors were acceptable and what were not, and to be honest, I have never seen such raw hatred coming out of anyone in my entire life, not to mention it being a child you are taking in under your roof, trying to love, and giving them everything they had missed earlier in their lives. My kids' response to their critics is that their son could not live safely in a family, that he needed an institutional setting for his own safety and anyone else's. TXGal, you aren't a failure! You took in a kid that many, if not most, potential adoptive parents would refuse, and gave her your best shot. Some kids are just too damaged, for lack of a better word, to live in a family setting.

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. It is very much appreciated, touching and comforting. As I was reading thru all the posts, it occurred to me that I failed to mention a couple of things: 1) We were not foster parents, we just adopted out of the foster system, but we have previous experience with troubled kids. And 2) I left out some information about the biggest offender at our church, I will call her Ms. T, for Ms. Troublemaker.... Ms. T is head of one of the smaller groups of kids that meets once a month at our church, one that our AD attended when she lived with us. Ms. T has a real heart for kids, but she is also well known for having very strong opinions, not getting all sides of a story before making those opinions and then voicing those opinions to anyone who will listen (and even some who are not listening, as she has a very loud voice!) So, now I am also dealing with people, including some of the kids, who will not speak to me because Ms. T has "shared" her side of the story with them. Because I have been the type of person who will get both sides of a story before coming to an opinion, its been really hard for me to see so many people forming opinions based on one side of a story that's based on false information! Part of the misinformation going around has to do with the fact that our AD called Ms. T a week after the disruption and told her some rather outlandish stories about where she was and how horrible she was being treated, and Ms. T bought those stories hook, line and sinker, never bothering to speak to my husband and I. We know where she is living since I had been there before and know that its a very nice facility. Instead, Ms. T went to great lengths to circumvent us to try and get more information, (she tried calling the director of the adoption agency we had gone thru) which I understand was not a successful call. In any case, to try and resolve this without bringing any others into it or making it an even bigger issue, I wrote her a 2 page letter which I had our pastor review prior to giving it to her. I explained some of the issues we were dealing with, but not all, like the fact that we were not told the truth about her level of needs in the beginning, as well as encouraged her to look into some of her diagnosis' to better understand what behaviors we were dealing with. I also told her that we agonized over this for months prior to making this decision, that it was not a knee jerk reaction type of decision. Her response was another letter, 5 pages long, typed, single spaced explaining how she had taken in her nephew about 30 years ago and what a difficult child he was, her health issues at the time and the difficulties she was going thru in her marriage at the time. She repeatedly used this phrase, "But I hung in there," after each description of something she went thru with him. Out of the 5 pages, she had one line of apology. It came across to me as an obligatory apology, certainly not sincere. Because the rest of the letter went on and on about what a wonder gift to kids she is and insinuated how horrible we were to do what we did. And how could we possibly turn her back into the "system"? She completely dismissed everything I tried to explain in our letter, saying that the diagnosis' were just "labels" and really didn't mean anything. Yet, she wants us to take into consideration her circumstances with her nephew. I wonder how she would feel if I just completely dismissed her health and marriage troubles? Hmmm? Basically, no matter what, in her mind, we just should have hung in there with her. Not once did she acknowledge the huge differences between raising a child that's family vs. one that is not. (By the way, she never did officially adopt this nephew, so I don't really know how long he lived with her.) And I cannot help but wonder how much of her story is actually true. As she has a tendency to embellish the truth... Sooo, you see where some of my anger is stemming from now, right? I have shared her letter with our pastor. And we agree that staying away from Ms. T would be best. However, she is the type of person who will seek me out to confront me on this at some point. So, I need to be prepared to respond in the right way. It is obvious that nothing I say to her is going to change her mind about how she feels about this. So, I may just have to tell her that we can no longer remain friends or stay in contact, and agree to disagree. But she needs to know that she does not have her facts straight and she needs to stop spreading that misinformation to others. I will be going back to church soon and appreciate very much all the help that's been given thus far on this forum...Thank you all so much!

Since Ms T is so fantastic with kids and is able to handle anything, maybe she should consider becoming licensed as a therapeutic foster home and your AD can go live with her. I am imagining a letter along these lines:Dear Ms. TOf course you are right. We really are not worthy to raise her, and we are bad people for giving up. You are a much better person than we are. We are so grateful for your dedication to her, and we have given your name and phone number to the social worker as someone who would be excited to take her into your home and who will do whatever it takes to meet her special needs. We have also let AD know that you have offered to take her home, so you should call and talk to her about that. Good luck to you, and thank you for opening our eyes to our own inadequacies. I what she would do?

Thank you for that very humorous suggestion! :arrow: I'm not sure I will do that, but it is certainly something to consider! Since Ms. T is around 60 years old, it would be a shock to her system if I were to do that, for sure! (And yes, being that age, she should know better than to act as she has been.) On another note, we have had some others in the church who know Ms. T and what she can be like, come up to us and be very supporting. Even a former staffer from a group home that our AD lived in for several years agreed that she is a difficult child and had no ill will towards us for disrupting. She actually understood why it happened and was more upset that we were not told of her true level of needs on the front end. She felt that was very unfair to us. That has been very comforting and reassuring... I especially appreciated the comments from Kara05Kara, On-my-journey, and eagleswings216. As for Grandma.catrunning, although our AD did not spread her feces all over the place, which is just disgusting, she was the charmer away from home and exhibited similar behaviors you are describing. And like you, I could not have understood disrupting an adoption prior to our experiences either. It is interesting how once you live an experience instead of just hearing about it, your opinion changes... Thanks again for all the support everyone! It is really very helpful and encouraging.

This thread was very helpful and healing. We just disrupted after 10 years. I am dealing with profound loss of our beautiful AD. The mental illness and violence became more than we could handle. To protect our other 4 children (2 bio and 2 adopted) and to try to give her a better chance of stability it was our only option. It was a 3 year downward spiral. Every service available was put into place and failed. I know God will get us through the loss. Thank you for sharing your stories. It is a comfort to read about others dealing with the same thing. Even though typing that seened wrong. My other 4 children and our selves are on the road to enjoying a safe and positive home enviorment.

I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing after 10 years of having a child in your home! But I am so glad to hear that this thread has given you some comfort. I have prayed for you and will continue to do so as the Lord brings you to mind. Just take the time you and your family need to heal from this. And now you know you are not alone...

Your ex-daughter sounds a lot like our ex-future daughter. The placement didn't last long enough to finalizing the adoption to even be an issue. The caseworker and other support people were less than useless. She scratched me up so badly that I still have scars over a year later, yet her caseworker told me that I had to stop saying that she'd "attacked me" and that I needed to put on my big girl panties. No one told us that they would've lasted longer with her, but several people told us that The Kid was too old, which was actually the least of our problems. Opinions are like rectums - everybody has one, and they all stink. The people who criticized you have no idea what they're talking about. They've never even fostered a child and have never dealt with RAD or ODD. My ex-kid was placed in a school that specialized in kids with issues. Yet they actually believed her when she said she'd stick to the dress code. Which, no. No one knows what went on in your house as well as you do. And you made the right decision.

people will always judge a person, I'm a christian that goes to church every Sunday. The one thing I have found out the hard way is how many so called christian want to take Gods place as judge. I have herd some very hurtful words about every thing . You know that you did the best you could , you know you walked the mile in the shoes , I would stop worrying about the critics and tell them after they have walked in your shoes then they can judge you. The only one you need to listen to is that little voice from God in your heart. I have been criticized for looking to adopt an older child from so many different sites and people since I started, My friends have told me to buy a dog . But I know in my heart that God has given me a child to adopt, I haven't found that child yet. I'm looking to find a rehome situation or do a privet adoption now only after fighting with NY , which is very hard state to deal with when you want to adopt a child and you don't own a car. I have had so many CW tell me that every parent in the courntry owns at least two cars and have an extra thousand dollars just laying around every month just in case an emergency arises. I'm not listening to them I know that God is my provider and he is the one who will make the finale decision on me adopting not some closed minded CWs that live in a fictional world where every one owns cars and have thousands of dollars just laying around with nothing to spend it on every month. So don't let man be your judge , you have done the best you could. Give them to God and worry about what he has said and let him take care of those who are planning to replace God because they feel they know better than he does. Remember Jesus said let he who is with out fault cast the first stone. We all know what happened after he said that. I will pray for you, have a blessed and fruitful life God knows the truth , and I doubt very much he is going to quit and let one of them take his place.

Txgal - my dh and I are in south Texas and finalized the adoption of set of 2 siblings in 2010. In March, 2011 we found out the boy (9) had been planning to kill our family. We went through a big battle but had him committed and then moved to a RTC. When Post-adopt services couldn't pay for the RTC anymore, we went into PMC with CPS. It has been a horrible and stressful experience. He has severe RAD, ADHD, ODD, OCD, PTSD and FAS. The recommendation per the last court date is that they place him in a foster-adopt home. Can you please PM me and let me know what happened after you disrupted. We have been threatened that CPS will remove his sister, as well as our 3 biological children. Thanks for sharing your journey on here. I am also a Christian and have had to deal with the ignorance of others. You are not alone....

[url]https://www.facebook.com/groups/Momsofdisruptedadoption/[/url]

Hello Bms95, First of all, I apologize for the enormous delay in responding, but I never got an email regarding your post and only today logged on to respond to another post when I saw yours. So, I tried to PM you, but kept getting bumped to the wrong webpage. It has now been a year and 4 months since the disruption and a few other issues surfaced that really sent me into a deep depression, but finally feel like I'm pulling out of it. And part of that has been the decision to find another church to attend. If you have better luck, maybe you could send me a PM????

I have a Facebook support group for mom's who have disrupted an adoption. I am 12 years out of a disruption. You need a Facebook account to access the closed group, send a request to join, I will send you a message asking a little about your situation, this is to protect the mom's in group, as we don't want any trolls in our group. Mom's of Disrupted Adoption on Facebook. We also have a Community page by the same name with links to the group.