new advice

i'm struggling with the OP's question If she is against it, why in the world would you foster? Maybe its because i have a 9 year old myself. I cannot imagine bringing a pet into the house, let alone a kid, without her buy in.

We did go through the same thing. Our two boys(10) were ok with the idea of fostering but my daughter (14) wanted nothing to do with it.We said that we would all try fostering and get a feel for it and if everyone was not on board after that, we would not continue with it.We have had a 2 year old since the summer and they eventually all fell for her. It's like a normal sibling thing now.Tracy

I disagree here. My kids don't want to eat healthy food, but they have to. My kids are against doing math, but they have to. My kids are against cleaning the stalls, but they have to do it. My 14 year old is not terribly excited about fostering, but it is not his decision...it is ours...the parents' decision to make. We have talked about it and he just doesn't want more "work" to do. Well, work didn't ever hurt anyone. Matter of fact, it is GOOD for him! So, I would suggest talking about it and getting to the "root of the problem" with her. Is she afraid you will love another child more? She will have more chores? Get less alone time with mom? See what the problem is and reassure her about it. If it is that she is afraid mom will not spend as much time with her, then plan a weekly time alone. Just my 2 cents:)

I disagree here. My kids don't want to eat healthy food, but they have to. My kids are against doing math, but they have to. My kids are against cleaning the stalls, but they have to do it. My 14 year old is not terribly excited about fostering, but it is not his decision...it is ours...the parents' decision to make. We have talked about it and he just doesn't want more "work" to do. Well, work didn't ever hurt anyone. Matter of fact, it is GOOD for him! So, I would suggest talking about it and getting to the "root of the problem" with her. Is she afraid you will love another child more? She will have more chores? Get less alone time with mom? See what the problem is and reassure her about it. If it is that she is afraid mom will not spend as much time with her, then plan a weekly time alone. Just my 2 cents:)

There's a big difference between fostering and vegetables. vegetables are ALWAYS good for you. Fostering, however, is not. Kids in the house are at risk for being bullied, tormented, sexually abused, and exposed to more things and a 9 year old should.

What ages are the other kids? Is she is baby? She could just be scared of the unknown, which is why so many people don't want to do things. It's the unknown and all the uncertainty that comes with it. At her age she should be able to understand that she can say she doesn't want to do it, but the final decision comes down to the parents and it's going to happen. Lay out the grounds rules for her now about what is expected. She will not be allowed to be mean or do anything negative to any foster child that comes into your home. Also reassure her that a new child does not mean she is being replaced. Your home has enough love to invite a child in that does not have parents who are capable of taking care of them.

Yes, ultimately, it is the parents'decision to make. However, what sort of message does it send to a child to say "I don't care about your opinion. Your feelings don't count, and we're going to ignore you and do what we want anyway, so you better get on board and start feeling the way WE tell you to feel?" Being part of a foster family is going to turn this little girl's world upside down. She at least deserves to be heard and have her feelings considered. We have a 6 year old BD at home and her emotional welfare will always come before our own desires. What good is it for us to help other children if our own child ends up with permanent emotional scars because of it? I would feel like the most selfish mother on the planet if that happened. :(The thing is, some children are more fragile than others and can't handle being part of the emotional roller coaster that comes with being a foster family. Forcing her to be part of something she can't handle is just asking for trouble. There is also an enormous difference between the maturity level & the coping abilities of a 14 year old vs a 9 year old.Never mind that part of being a good foster parent is listening to the children, helping them deal with their emotions, and not forcing things on them that they aren't emotionally stable enough to handle. If a person isn't willing to do this with their bio kids, they have no business taking in fosters - who are going to need emotional support, not someone saying "Too bad. Your feelings don't matter. You have to feel how we tell you to feel."

I never said the kids' feelings don't count, but that ultimately it is the parents decision. We make decisions every day for our families. I am much more able to make life altering decisions than a 14 or 9 year old. Also, I have talked about it to my children. We talk about it a lot. If they aren't emotionally able to handle it and are going to have a breakdown if you foster, then obviously that isn't a good idea. If their fear is they will get "left in the cold" and mom and dad won't love them anymore then that is another issue you can discuss and reassure them about. I was coming at it from the point of view that parents make the important decisions in a family. A LOT of parents today let their kids "rule" and just follow along. That is NOT healthy. Discussing things as a family with the notion that the parents make the final decision IS healthy. I never said my children's "feelings" don't matter. 1) feelings don't have an IQ and 2) foster children and their circumstances are going to be different than my children's. I never said I didn't listen to my children. Matter of fact, I suggested the OP talk to her daughter and find out the reasons she isn't on board with fostering. Maybe she knew a girl in school who was a foster child and we really mean to her. You don't know the reason until you ASK...which I suggested! :prop:

Carlychan, my response was not directed at you in particular, with the exception of mentioning the difference between a 9 year old vs a 14 year old, and that was the only quote from your post that I used. I never accused you of not caring - that was just my general opinion on the topic. I apologize if it came off otherwise. As the OP stated, she has already talked to her daughter and hasn't gotten anywhere. My concern is that the child's feelings & issues be uncovered & addressed before OP goes any further in the process, lest she make her daughter feel that her feelings are unimportant. I never said that's what you were doing to your 14 year old. I cautioned the OP not to do that to her daughter.

Got it:arrow: I did feel like it was directed at me a bit:) I do agree with you, though. I think it is important to listen to the kids and get to the bottom of their concerns and alleviate them as much as possible. It is just the parents decision as to what is best for the family. They have the responsibility, so they make the decision. I would never put my bio or adopted kids (or foster kids) in harm's way for anything. I hope that is not how my original post came off. I was thinking of fostering like having a baby. My 14 year old would rather NOT have a baby in the house. If I were pregnant, he would not have much of a choice. If I foster, he still doesn't get a choice. We won't be fostering older kids, so very little risk of any kind of harm to him. Anyway, just clearing it up:) :rolleyes:

Ok, so I've been reading the posts and have 2 different views. I am a foster parent, but I also had the opportunity to live in a home where we took in a foster kid for about 3 of the most miserable months of my life. That was when I was in 10th grade. I had a sister who was a year older and it was one of her friends. I hated it because I has always grown up in a 4 person family and I hated her because she was a compulsive liar and I remember all I wanted was for my family to go back to normal. She ended up in residential treatment, and I remember being soooo glad! As an adult I chose not to have children but to instead become a foster/adopt parent. I have had 2 seperate sibling groups at a time. The first kids I ever fostered, I adopted. They were always the oldest of the children, and there was one sibling group they got along with, and one that they didn't. Having been on both ends of it and seen what it did to my kids when I had a sibling group they hated, I wouldn't take in kids without their buy in. We finally came to an agreement that everyone was okay with which is that we would only take in an infant. It sounds like that is what you are doing as well. My suggestion is to do what you can to get her buy-in. If your daughter is miserable, you will be too :-(. It sounds like you will be taking in infants as well, so maybe start by babystitting an infant and offering to pay her a portion of the money if she helps you. She may find that a baby is not so bad. If, however, she is still against the idea, I don't know what to tell you. Its a personal decision whether to do it or not.

I have read everyone's reply's and thank you. My daughter is by no means "unstable" of bringing in a foster child she is just afraid of not being the baby anymore and not getting enough alone time with me. We are going to be doing respite care to start with to see how she does and if she does ok, then we will proceed. I have babysat before and she does wonderful with the baby's!! There are two she has really taken to. I have three wonderful children whom I have sat down and asked their opinions on foster care. She is the only one who is afraid of not getting her time with me. I have reassured her that if she feels like she is not getting enough time with me that we will stop this at any time. Her happiness matters to me too. But I want to help a child who doesn't have a family like she does. One that doesn't have a mommy there to tuck you in at night or to make you breakfast, or to make pancakes with you, or to laugh with you, to do silly things with.....she understands that and does want to help too. She loves babies she just doesn't want to be replaced and it is my job to make sure she doesn't ever feel that she has been.

She might end up liking it once you have some kids. I have a friend who had parent's who did foster care and they had a girl with them that she thought of as a sibling and when she left after a couple of years she was heartbroken. It can be really hard on the kids when someone leaves, but you are also teaching them to help other people and make sacrifices when they are young. I think respite is a good start... Good Luck!

It sounds like you have a plan, and it is totally normal for the baby to be more concerned about not being babied anymore. My youngest was tired of being the baby, and he was very excited to have a new infant in the house, but we know other families who have struggled with the same thing you are going through with your dd. People have mentioned that maybe the child's feelings were not being considered, and I think you are considering them. Considering does not mean we change our minds,it simply assures the child that we hear them and understand their concerns. My dd has some choices about which school she wants to attend, but ultimately it is up to us to figure out where she is going (she is headed to high school next year). Her opinions are considered, but she does not get her way just to keep her happy. :)

that is my thoughts and feelings too. Just because I consider her feelings does not mean I change my mind and do as she wants. I want her to know that I accept her feelings but the do not "rule" this house. She has to accept certain things here and not always get her way. Which is kinda outta the norm here.....lol. But we are working on that since she is getting older. There are more consequences for her actions. Honestly, I just wanted to see if someone had some suggestions on getting her to getting over it. Like going shopping or to the movies once a week....but I guess I already knew what to do. I just needed reassurance on my actions. I was second guessing myself. Which we all do at times. The more we get into things, the more open she is to doing it....I believe it will all work it!!! Thanks!