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We adopted 2 girls almost 2 years ago (they are 2 of 6 of my cousins children) My husband and I are at our wits end as to what to do about family members. The girls grandparents basically took care of all the kids until they were placed in foster homes. My 2 girls are now ages 12 and 14 so they are very aware of who their relatives are. We've tried very hard to allow the kids to stay in contact with them but every time they go to their grandparents something always bad happens, whether it be bad mouthing myself and hubby and bio children to inappropriate discussions with the girls. I try not to talk badly about the relatives but long story short they are pretty much rednecks. With the girls having so many other siblings I don't know what to do anymore. I personally want to cut all relations off with that side of the family, but I don't want to hurt the girls and I would like them to be able to see their other siblings. We just don't know what to do anymore, so I'm looking for advice and suggestions please.
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Time for boundaries..
I'm in a similar situation (adopted cousin who was previously being raised by my aunt while in foster care).
Too often, we talk about boundaries with BPs. IMO, this also applies to any prior caretakers, or family members in general
They do not have a "right" to have the kids for overnights. If They cannot be trusted, the kids don't sleep over
early on, J slept over every couple of weekends. 4 years in, a can't remember when she last slept over.. definitely more than a year
Have you talked to them about your specific concerns? I get that it can be hard to explain your stance when the relatives don't necessarily share your values. but unless they are purposely ignoring your requests, it might be premature to shut down all contact
assuming they are consciously not supporting your role as parent, then you need to start distancing them.. perhaps supervised visits.. or just being "busy" whenever they request a sleep over
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Yes I have tried talking to them about the concerns that I have and the things that go on and it doesn't seem to matter. All that seems to be in their heads is a sense of entitlement..."We practically raised these kids we should get to see them" is always the response that I get, while I'm thinking to myself, well there's a reason that your not raising them now and I am. It's constant drama with them and they try and make the girls feel guilty when they actually don't want to go and visit, it's like I'm dealing with children and not adults and it's frustrating. The girls have been through a lot and I've tried really hard to work with these people, but there's only so much you can do, but at the same time, I don't want to cause the girls more grief by telling them they can't see them anymore. I've offered for them to come to my house to see them, I've invited them to birthdays and they never show up, but in turn want to take the girls to their house, it's just a constant battle.
Ditto what RobinKay said.
I know its not easy.. we're taught to respect our kin. They're family, right? you can't ignore family. And what if you're mean..? everyone will know..everyone will think.
:arrow:
like i said, btdt
you gotta throw those thoughts out the window. or better, flush em
your relatives are in the denial stage. They are bullying you to get what they want.
honestly, it was so hard, i couldn't do the sit down with me cousin. I let voicemail pick up (or would have, had he bothered to call). i ignored the tests and the facebook im's.
I would respond, but after a day. and then i'd be terse. i know this goes against everything "communications 101" teaches us, but i found it easier to break these habits .. to stand firm with my "no's" through writing.
once he gave up trying, we had time to bond as a family, without the presence of all those toxins.
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