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Hello everyone. I am an adult adoptee who has spent pretty much my whole life wondering where I came from. I've searched so hard, hit so many walls, and finally had given up when I got my birthmother's name from the state (when they opened up original birth certificates).
I found out where she lives, I know how many siblings she has, their names, etc. I found out so much information, and have been slowly digesting it over the last year or two. I had found a Facebook account that had her name, location, and high school, but she had no family as her "friends" and it seemed like an account she used only for games (or she had everything locked down as "friends only", or she doesn't use Facebook much). Her profile photo was hard to see, and I couldn't tell who was in the photo, how old it was, etc. All I could see was the thumbnail photo, not the actual photo. So it was pretty much another dead end.
Then Facebook changed, and made every member searchable. That, or she made a new Facebook page. And there was a photo of her, clear as day. And she looks like me. Or I look like her. She has only posted one other photo since then, of the snow.
I'm not even sure where I am going with this. I had tried to contact her before, through a confidential intermediary, and she rejected all contact. I do NOT want to reach out through Facebook, because I don't want her to hide her page or stop posting new photos. I don't want to close that window. I'm afraid that any contact at all will make her pull back. She is already very "offline", as are most of her family members. They live in an extremely rural area, in a very remote part of the country (nowhere near where I was born, which is really interesting).
So I feel like this Facebook page is a possible secret viewing porthole, and I want it to stay open. But I still have questions. Or rather, I have new questions.
So do I reach out again, via mail? Wait and see? She said no once already, do I take a chance and risk losing everything? Try other family members?
Just looking for input, discussion, anything. Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. It helps just getting it out.
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Oh, how I wish I had *THE* answer for you.The truth is, nobody can tell you what to predict in this situation, so you'll have to consider all the factors and risks and decide for yourself...(A bit scary, no?)I will say this: there have been birth mothers who've rejected contact via the confidential intermediary who've then gone on to have contact directly with their relinquished child later on. So it is possible. It's also possible that she will continue the way she began and refuse contact at this point as well. So I wouldn't mention Facebook at all if/when you attempt to contact her. I can understand how that little window into her life is important to you... so don't bring your access to her Facebook page to her attention!If I were in your shoes, I think I would try once more to reach out to your birth mother, with the hope that she'll respond to direct contact in spite of your earlier, unsuccessful attempt through the CI. People change, minds change, situations change... you never know what will happen this time. I hope you have a strong support network of friends/family who can help you through the emotional roller coaster of trying again! These boards are great, and full of helpful people, but having some face-to-face time with someone who will hear you out and hold your hand through the process can be very valuable.My own search earlier this year led me to discover that my birth mother had passed away a few years ago. I also found her remaining family, and after some consideration, I chose to reach out to one of them - her sister. I started out by writing her a letter. Though some people will disagree, I feel that a letter is a good way to open contact - it permits the receiver to have their initial reaction in private, so to speak. They aren't put on the spot to respond immediately, so can take some time to think about how to possibly respond. Others will swear that a phone call is best, precisely because it's more immediate and more personal... but I feel like a letter gives the person a bit of an out, a bit of space, to have a strong reaction, to flip out, to panic, whatever...without the pressure of the searcher on the other end of the phone, waiting for an immediate answer. You have to decide what method feels more comfortable and natural for you...If she's no more willing to have contact than she was before... well... here's another decision you have to make. Do you *want* to try reaching out to her family? As I said, I did just that when I discovered my birth mother had passed. It was a tough decision - I knew she wasn't there to speak for herself to her surviving family, so I was careful to tread very lightly in my first letter... But if you want to attempt to reach out to her siblings, or, if she had other children who are now adults, you have every right to try. (Of course, they have every right to reject contact as well... sigh.) Whatever you choose, as long as it is right for YOU, will be the right choice.I wish you the best of luck.
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I agree with what Emerald said.Additionally, you need to know that some intermediaries do a good job. Others don't Some are highly skilled at breaking down barriers to contact. Others aren't or don't even try.It has to feel right to you. But, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you attempting to contact her yourself via letter. If you haven't already, you might want to read Deanna Shrodes story on adoptionrestoration.com. I'd recommend starting with "Deanna's Story~Part 1." She, too, was rejected by her mother via a confidential intermediary. Years later, she knocked on her mother's door, and they did develop a relationship after that.I want to hear no from the actual person. A go-between can muddy the waters.... But, that is just me. You need to think about what is right for you. And, that may change in time. Maybe you're not ready now. But, maybe you will be in time. Good luck!
I think you have weigh it out. Is is better to keep the "spyglass" sort of relationship or bet the farm and try for a face to face contact.
If you know where she lives; you might be able to catch a glimpse of her somehow. It's hard to say.
I think the other posters are right in that it's much easier to say no to an uninvolved stranger.
In my mind I think I would want to know one way or the other because it would drive me nuts looking in from the outside. If she rejects contact there is always the possibility someone in the extended family might be more open so you could at least get some sense of what made the family tick.
Thank you to all who have replied. I don't really have anyone to talk to here about it, well, I sort of do, but we are all so busy it would sort of be a "whenever we have time to talk" thing, vs. this "I need to talk about this ASAP" thing we have on the internet ;).
Someone mentioned catching a glimpse of her in person... I would have to travel a lot to do that. We are in different states, and she is very rural while I am very urban. In other words, it would be an airplane ride, and a long drive in totally rural and unfamiliar territory. As an almost full time mom of 2 and almost full time working woman, I don't see that sort of thing happening. When I say she is rural, I mean she is rural. I can't find any employment info, marriage info, anything. I found her on Facebook and that is miraculous. She is in a very "off the grid" place, either literally or just personally.
It seems like I need to send a letter by mail, if I want to reach out. I might be in a place of wanting to do that, but not right now this very second. But soon. Now I need to figure out what to say.
Anyway, I really appreciate any input on this thread at all. It really helps to talk it out and hear different ideas and perspectives.
I think it's like putting a message in a bottle. Write what you feel. It's cathartic if nothing else.
I believe it's too difficult to try to interpret how the person receiving it might respond. I drove myself crazy trying to entice a relationship at first.
I was lucky...I found them and was in reunion for approximately 14 years. I still leave the door open a crack. Long story.
This Christmas will be the first in a long time where I won't be driving myself nuts wondering if and when I should call.
I have let that go. If you choose to search set some ground rules regarding what you need. It's a whirlwind.
Merry Christmas to all and good luck.
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emerald23
I feel that a letter is a good way to open contact - it permits the receiver to have their initial reaction in private, so to speak. take some time to think about how to possibly respond. Others will swear that a phone call is best, precisely because it's more immediate and more personal... but I feel like a letter gives the person a bit of an out, a bit of space, to have a strong reaction, to flip out, to panic, whatever...without the pressure of the searcher on the other end of the phone, waiting for an immediate answer. You have to decide what method feels more comfortable and natural for you...
Nancydrew811, I empathize with you completely, as I am in similar straits. I have found my daughter on Facebook, and despite trying to use "official channels" ala the adoption agency, I have only received one response in 5 years from the real parents.Possessing the power of the knowledge that I have in terms of being able to choose on a whim to just reach out and say "hi" is an incredible responsibility. And I jealously protect my advantage at being able to watch the Facebook Profile pic change from time to time. And I hate myself for how dishonest I feel in retaining this "secret privilege".Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off not having this "secret viewing porthole" at all. Thank you for sharing, as it makes me feel a little less predatory as far as the Facebook stuff goes. My daughter turns 23 on Thursday, and reading your post was somewhat of a lift I needed today.
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Nancydrew811, I empathize with you completely, as I am in similar straits. I have found my daughter on Facebook, and despite trying to use "official channels" ala the adoption agency, I have only received one response in 5 years from the real parents.
Possessing the power of the knowledge that I have in terms of being able to choose on a whim to just reach out and say "hi" is an incredible responsibility. And I jealously protect my advantage at being able to watch the Facebook Profile pic change from time to time. And I hate myself for how dishonest I feel in retaining this "secret privilege".
Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off not having this "secret viewing porthole" at all.
Thank you for sharing, as it makes me feel a little less predatory as far as the Facebook stuff goes. My daughter turns 23 on Thursday, and reading your post was somewhat of a lift I needed today.