The Little Rollercoaster of Reunion

Hi, that's great you got to talk to your bio mom and sisters:) I know exactly what you mean, I see all kinds of photos of my family together and they all seem happy,like they didn't notice I was gone. But I promise they do notice you're gone, you are very important to them that's why they called :) happy new year

Does the board have any natural mothers that have gone through reunion and can speak to what might be happening within the natural family? How does the natural family respond to the old new comer? Is there guilt from other family members or jealousy? Just curious and preparing myself for my reunion. No harm intended to any natural mother.

Wonderful that you spoke with your bmom and sisters over the holidays :happydance: From the other side of the fence (I'm a bmom) I was going over our holiday pictures...my favorite/most painful one is of my 2 nieces, 2 nephews, and 1 of my 2 children. It really depicts the adoration my son (21) has for his little cousins (14 and under) and how they idolize him. As much as I love the photo....it brings tears to my eyes and gives me an empty feeling. My daughter (19) is missing. The photo is not complete. I am incomplete and expect these feelings will always be with me. My son commented that the photo would be better if "sister" was there....that she would have been the one sitting on his knee. :love: I was a the kitchen sink washing dishes with tears streaming down my cheeks. His comments sucked the wind from my lungs and tore at my soul. He grieves the loss of a sister and a complete mother. I know that my DD experiences feelings of loss... it hurts knowing that my choices caused/cause so much pain to the ones I love most. Not what I intended, not at all :mad: I wish you all the best on this rollercoaster called reunion.

Thanks very much, me-n-u, for answering. Those are questions I wonder a lot about, also.

Tankeryanker, I'm now wondering of it would be good yo ask your questions in a separate thread. Some might miss it here. Dgulf, The roller coaster is very common. Once in reunion, it can sometimes be like were both in and out of the family, and you never know where you might "be" on the spectrum at any given time. I suspect first-family members might not realize how this appears to us. I really do wonder, like Tank asked, how things look to first-family members.

Sure no problem. The more info for us all, the more understanding we all will have.

That sounded so familiar when I first had contact with birthfamily about 7 years ago. The word that jumped out at me in your post title was "Little". There is nothing little about the emotional rollercoaster of adoptee reunion.

I totally get it.....I am going crazy with feeling left out of their family...my family. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. But they have welcomed me so much...I don't know why I feel this way. Imagining them living together every day makes me feel so sad, empty and left out. My bmum actually invited me to live with them while I was at school for 4 years, but she changed her mind :,0

When my son returned to our world again, we were ecstatic and still are four years later. We love him deeply. Reunion has been a very emotionally profound time, with great love and great grief, with surface misunderstandings and hurt, and with a joyful and instinctive understanding of each other's core. We love him being physically back in our lives (he always was in our lives, but his absence was like a shape that was always with us, and he was like a ghost who we couldn't hug or talk with or see his face. That changed the moment we saw him again - it was the best day of my entire life). I think it reunion brings all of our fears to the surface, and we have to somehow not let them overrule everything. One way is to say when we're afraid - it's so easy for the other person to then reassure us. One worry I have is that, by inviting him to everything, he will feel hassled by all the invites and I don't want him to feel that. It's difficult getting the balance right between showing that he is emotionally entirely part of our family (and an absolutely essential one), and yet also acknowledging that he also has another family and a busy life, and that he may feel hassled by being invited to everything. I think the best thing I can say to you is that, if your family says they are overjoyed that you are there, believe them. Make yourself believe them, and bask in their love. Don't let your fears get in the way. And let people know how vulnerable you feel, and how much reassurance you need. I think it takes a few years to finally be able to believe that perhaps it is real. But till then, ask for all the reassurance you need. Also, don't misinterpret things based on your fears. Anyone who has been bereaved knows that it is possible, in time, to laugh hysterically at a joke while still deeply missing a loved one who has died. Don't think that your family having a good time without you there means that you aren't important to them (isn't that your fear talking?). They're just doing the social things that people do (often habitually and superficially) whereas it sounds like they're really glad you're back in their lives again. Reunion makes us so vulnerable because we're so open. Don't let your fears take over. Just know that you're extra vulnerable at the moment, and therefore ask for the reassurance you need. I was always really surprised by the things my son felt insecure about - to me it was solid as a rock - and he too was mystified by the things that caused me to wobble sometimes, as it seemed so obvious to him that it was secure. Communication is key when so many of our fears are up in the air. (Also, facebook photos never show what's really going on - who's annoyed at who, who said the wrong thing etc etc.)

Yes, it sure does. Rollercoaster is about the best analogy I could give as well for the reunion experience for the adoptee. Take care of yourself for now. Reunion definitely does bring up some powerful emotions, for me at least it did. All I can say is, I can relate to your post, and those feelings. Reunion brought up emotions and things I had repressed my entire lifetime. I was totally unprepared for the wild ride of emotions that I found myself on. For me, it was a somewhat ugly fall out, largely due to my being so vocal about my feelings. My birthmother and I have finally after a lot of tumult found some tentative contact ground and have made it through a lot of drama with the reunion. I have two half sisters on maternal side who have been remarkably patient with me and all the drama that ensued with the reunion. I can't say it's turned out so well for birthfather's side.

This was absolutely my experience as well. I had a nervous breakdown in my mid-twenties while going through reunion. I have six bio-siblings who were adopted by different families, and every single of them had major emotional upheavals during their reunions as well. Good news is that we are all regular boring old adults with jobs and families now. The rollercoaster can be nauseating and uncomfortable, but you will get through it. Keep talking, keep reaching out on the forums if it helps. Lots of good people here. Good luck!