Happy to be reunited but feeling guilt .

ScottishSue, Reunion is a roller-coaster of emotions - understand your feelings are very typical and normal. One day at a time - one foot in front of the other. You weren't ready before so it would not have been the right time for you - try to shed the guilt or at least push it away each time it makes an appearance - it will just eat at you otherwise. You are there now so embrace that side of the coin. Others with more skill with words will come along to welcome you... Kind regards, Dickons

I just asked this very question on another thread. I feel the same and do beat myself up for not looking sooner and then I want to lash out at those that could have helped me look sooner. What do we adoptees do to not drive ourselves insane over this?

You're at the very beginning of your reunion. Your emotions are probably going to be all over the place.I, too, wish I could have found my father sooner. It saddens me that I only get to know him as an older man. I would have loved to have seen him in his prime. I would have loved to have witnessed his swagger first hand.I, however, know I couldn't have found him without the change in adoption laws in my state. The non-identifying information would not have been enough to find him (or my mother) Of course, you're grieving the loss of those eight years. But, I suspect that it goes much deeper than that. It's easier to blame ourselves for the loss of the years we didn't search than it is to really truly grieve ALL the years we've lost.)All I can say to you is that you searched when you were ready. You shouldn't judge yourself based on who you are today. Who you are right now is the person who was ready for reunion. The person you were eight years ago was not. If you had attempted to go into reunion before you were ready, maybe you wouldn't have the same solid outcome. I'm just thrilled that you were not too late, and you can have a relationship with your mother now.

I held onto the information about my birth mother for about 4 1/2 years before I began searching. I searched, and found her, earlier this year... and discovered that she passed away about 4 years ago. I left it too late, and found her obituary in the end.So I truly understand the burden of guilt for not searching earlier.Like others said above, you are different today than you were 8 years ago. For whatever reason(s), you were not ready for reunion then. For whatever reason(s), you are now. And now, you are in a happy, successful reunion. Part of what might be precisely because you waited until NOW...Try not to let the guilt swallow you up - since you cannot go back and change the past, the guilt isn't a helpful thing for you to carry into the future. (I know, I know, easier said than done. I don't always do such a good job of laying aside guilt, myself.) That said, reunion does bring up all sort of feelings - the best thing I can suggest for that is to ride them out. You'll regain an even keel eventually...In the meantime, I wish you the best of luck developing a solid, joyful relationship with your birth mother. :)

People do what they are ready to do and it's pointless to beat yourself up about what you "should" have done. Follow your heart and trust your gut instincts. Good luck with your reunion when you choose to do it.

Be easy on yourself. HUGS!

Firstly, I’d like to say thank you very much for your responses, they are much appreciated and very helpful. I am new to this forum and was somewhat tentative regarding posting, however it is good to find myself together with fellow souls and I don’t feel quite so isolated in this (potentially) emotional minefield. So much of what you’ve all said makes absolute sense, “But, I suspect that it goes much deeper than that. It's easier to blame ourselves for the loss of the years we didn't search than it is to really truly grieve ALL the years we've lost.” How very true that is, it makes so much sense, especially as I have spent 30 years pretty much avoiding dealing with my adoption.. I don’t think I was in any way prepared for the amount of emotions, the intensity, or, to be perfectly honest, ready for any of it, I thought I’d been so mature and pragmatic about it the last 30 years, boy was I wrong! I found out by accident at 15, pretended it was someone else and then was told properly a few months later, it was never discussed again and I was left to deal with it on my own, at 15 this was quite the task and I honestly think my head nearly caved in trying to deal with it, I put it all away in a mental box and put the lid on, occasionally opening it over the years but always putting the lid back on. Obviously this probably wasn’t very healthy, but I’ll save that for another thread another time, I think what I am trying to say is that, yes, there is the grief and also 30 years of general not dealing with it. I have been swamped with many, many thoughts and emotions and am slowly facing up to it all. Things are going very, very well with my birth mother, we have talked on the telephone and are sort of getting to know each other at the moment. I do realize how very lucky I am to be experiencing such a positive reunion and my heart goes out to those who haven’t had the same good fortune as myself. Thanks once more for the wise words and good wishes but most of all for understanding!