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This must come up often, so I'd like some opinions of people who have thought about this more than I have.
Background: my wife is 37 I am 41. We have been married for 16 years. We have two kids that are 11 and 8.
My wife is adopted. She found her birth family several years ago. She had a remarkably successful reunion. She has visited her biological family several times. Her biological mother has visited us once.
Here is the problem: I am not conformable with the idea of the biological family being elevated to a status equal to that of my family and my wifes adopted family in the context of our kids.
One reason for this is philosophical. I have no problem with whatever feelings my wife has for her families, both biological and adopted. She can be as close or far from them as she wants. I donҒt think it is very much my business. But I dont think we should consider the grandmaҒs, uncles, cousins, etc. of the biological family to be equal in the eyes of our children. In other words, my kids have two grandmas, not three. Ill freely admit that that opinion might be wrong, but it is how I feel. My feelings come from simple jealousy. I donҒt want anything to pollute the time my parents have with their grandkids.
The other reason is more practical and economic. We live very isolated from all three families. There is only so much time and money to see them. I dont want to use time and money seeing all three families. A trip to see the biological family would cost several thousand dollars and would take away my very limited vacation time from work. I just donҒt value it enough to visit them at the expense of visiting my parents or my wifes adoptive parents.
An additional issue is that the biological family are recreational users of illegal drugs. Rather not have my kids around that.
I think the practical concerns over ride my philosophical ones. In other words, if we all lived a short car ride from each other, IҒd have no problems with the biological family being in our lives (assuming they keep the illegal stuff away from the kids) but we dont.
My wife really wants for all of us to go visit the biological family. I have a very hard time discussing this with her, as it is a very emotional topic for us to the point of threatening our marriage. We donҒt have time and money to do the trip, but my wife would go anyway.
Any opinions?
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Your wife's family is whomever she deems to be her family. Her family has expanded. You cannot tell her that her adoptive family is more important than her biological family.Now, I understand that you would not want to lose more time with your family of origin because an entirely new family entered the picture.So, instead of trying to tell her which of her families is more important, focus on the fairness of time and money distribution.Maybe you can divide the money (and time) you allot for family visits equally between the two of you. That way, you still see your family as much as you have in the past, and your wife will have to decide how much of her 50% she wants to put toward the a- versus the b-family.Having said that, the two of you really do need to sit down and talk. And, since this is such a raw topic, you may want to seek a marriage counselor to help guide you through the process of talking about this. Maybe my suggestion will work for the two of you. Maybe it won't. Each couple needs to come to an agreement that works for them.But, I do know that your focus cannot be on who you think (in her family) deserves more time. That's not your call. She needs to be able to determine that. That is my opinion.
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Chris,
Welcome to the world of adoption...you are right to try to understand and have taken the first step.
You honestly don't get to decide how much, or how little, she values the parents that brought her into the world.
Likely, for 90% plus of her life she had no idea who she was born to be. Where her nose came from to her personality, to her creativity or skills she rocks in. What roads her ancestors travelled and what they endured, what her family stories of life were, what her parents stories were - to if they thought of her, or would want to know her. Not being adopted you will never fully understand what it is like to live the vast majority of your life never knowing. Your wife appears to be wanting to know, and share her life with her family - all her family. Your wife is also lucky that she gets to have a chance to know them - millions of us never will for many different reasons. She has been given a gift. A gift that may include for the very first time feeling like she isn't the only one that thinks, looks, feels like she does...
As to how they live their life - that's completely different topic than what I think is the majority of what you are feeling and there are many ways that other families have chosen to deal with it. Has nothing to do with adoption and is simply a matter of being direct and honest about what is and isn't acceptable around your kids as a parent.
If I am correct, you think it is a slap in the face to the only parents she ever knew, who did the hard work of taking in someone else's child, and loving her as their own. She isn't. It has nothing whatsoever to do with how much she values her parents - nothing. From the time she was little (most likely), she knew she had two sets of parents - that's not something you can relate to, and you have to put your own biases aside, because you haven't lived it. Her parents also adopted her knowing that she had another set of parents and family and if they had any type of an adoption worker - went into it knowing that it was normal and natural for an adoptee to want to know their family of birth.
This next part may make you mad but it may make you think a bit deeper. I think if you dig deep into this attitude you may see the obvious flaws in it.
Your wife exists, and is who she is in large part due to "those people" you don't think should count to the same extent as the people who created you. You are also discounting that by extension - half of what makes your kids - your kids - come from them as well.
You probably did not get the response you wanted from me, but I am not the only voice on the forum.
Kind regards,
Dickons
Here is the problem: I am not conformable with the idea of the biological family being elevated to a status equal to that of my family and my wife’s adopted family in the context of our kids.
Chris,
My husband and I have been dealing with similar family issues. I was adopted and found my original families about 10 years ago.
One thing I wanted to share. Keep in mind that your wife has been stuck in this middle between her families for a very long time, probably long before she found them, internally. Now that she has found them, her very own husband is putting her in that middle too. Just a warning that that can cause some very deep seated feelings for her. It's not an easy thing to balance. Any direction you turn, you are slapping someone in the face with dis-loyalty.
Trying to measure equality of grandparents isn't easy. Geographical distance makes things harder in one way, but easier in another. I'd bet if you asked her to rank all the gparents in order of who she TRUSTS the most (not love) with her children and her own life - you will get an answer that you like.
For me, I didn't care how much it cost, or how much time it took - what mattered was if I could make it happen or not. I had waited for this for most of my life, I was 40 when I found them, my kids were 6 and 16. Naturally we were both concerned of how our kids would benefit, or not, from these relationships.
I can tell you my kids absolutely think of all of their grandparents as their real and worthy of them grandparents. As well as cousins, uncles, aunts.... My natural family has been a great benefit to my kids. Some of their attitudes and habits aren't the best, but I can point to many things within all of our parents that aren't the best to expose our kids to. Sometimes the negative isn't seen as so negative - it is just what you are used to.
My husband, didn't agree with most of the visiting, or the equality factor, or even that it was that important to me or our kids, at first. He's still difficult to me, he complains about time and money spent away from him. He doesn't visit with us. I tend to do what I am going to do anyway when it is important enough to me.
If I am forced to choose who to make happy, at this point in my life, and after 30 years of marriage - it would be me.
I'm afraid both of you will have to find a way to give a little either way on this one. A strong team is what you both need now. What do your kids think about it all, or are they old enough to talk about it? Time changes a lot. Often it's wise to go with the flow, at least until you see a big waterfall ahead! Then you can yank them all out of the boat and go home.
Doh, I missed the ages 11 and 8!
Do you ask them about it all? It's not easy for our kids either. Me and mine did a lot of talking. Much of what I was dealing with, they got to deal with in a way to. Especially the loyalty factor between grandparents, they get to talk to all of their grandparents too, and get questions and feel attitudes just like us.
I allowed my kids to make their own decisions regarding their own relationships with their family members - unless of course it was insane or fueled by anger LOL
Chris, you've gotten a lot of great advice here already, I can only say that as an adoptee I could not agree more with what L4R, BethVA, and Dickons have already said, and add one more voice to encourage you to try and empathize with your wife's situation a bit more.
You admit that most of your reluctance for contact with her b-fam stems from your own jealousy. Because you are having a hard time dealing with it, you simply want her to shut down her reunion with people that seem to be growing important to her?
I love L4R's recommendation for the two of you to unpack this with the help of a counselor. There are lots of potential pitfalls in discussing something like this, many words that can trigger an emotional reaction. Please try to be her ally here. As much as you struggle with this, she is struggling twice as much.
For what it is worth, I live on the West Coast and my bio family lives in the East Coast. We don't see one another during holidays or any time that is already crowded with family obligations. We pick a time around the middle of June every year or two, and we split the distance and meet in chicago, texas, etc. for a couple of days. Whoever can make it, makes it.
But time with the a-fam and b-fam doesn't need to be exclusive.
Last fall I attended my bio-sister's wedding with four of our other bio-siblings. My sister had our birthmother seated by an usher right after her adoptive mom, and when her a-dad had a panic attack and couldn't make it to the rehearsal dinner my a-dad (her bio-grandfather; it's a long story) was able to step in for him and walk her down the aisle. A-fams and b-fams can share events sometimes.
Good luck.
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BethVA62
One thing I wanted to share. Keep in mind that your wife has been stuck in this middle between her families for a very long time, probably long before she found them, internally. Now that she has found them, her very own husband is putting her in that middle too. Just a warning that that can cause some very deep seated feelings for her. It's not an easy thing to balance. Any direction you turn, you are slapping someone in the face with dis-loyalty.