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My nephew was born in 2010. At 6 weeks old he was diagnosed with shaken baby syndrome. My husband and I rushed to the hospital after the police called and said my sister was taken into custody. By that time Liam, now my son, was being worked on and DHS was talking to my husband and me about our family situation and who would want Liam should he pull through. I hesitated, because we had two children already (one barely a year old) and because my husband had expressed that he absolutely didn't want anymore kids. While I was hesitating my husband looked in the room at Liam and in a moment he describes as, just being angry and not thinking things through, said that we wanted him. I wanted him when she was contemplating adoption before he was born so I was totally on board. This is a long enough story as it is so I'm going to try and make it shorter. Liam made it, with main damage being blind in his left eye (which is bad, but it could be worse so I was thankful). We took him home as foster parents and within a couple months my husband told me we made a mistake and had to give him back. Any mother reading this knows that you can't give a willing mother a baby and then just take it back. I was already committed. We fought for a long time until we had a calm conversation where I said...I know you feel differently than I do about him, but as far as I'm concerned he was mine the moment you let me bring him home. I will not abandon him because you changed your mind, but I can't ask you to just sit back and accept that we have a third child. I'm not giving him back and I won't hold it against you if you can't do this...I assured him him that his fatherly role would not be diminished with our other children in any way, but if he was gonna make me choose between him and Liam it would be Liam. Everyone may not agree with that but I hope at least someone can understand how I was feeling. To try and sum it up here we are now, his adoptive parents (3 almost 4 now). I couldn't picture my life without Liam. The only time I think about him not coming from me is when my husband brings up how Liam changed things or says how he's only here because of me(and many other smarty pants remarks). Don't get me wrong my husband in no way treats him badly, and Liam loves his daddy so much. But to this day we still fight about my husbands attitude toward him. He says it's because I baby him to much, and I do but no more than my other kids. I've done everything I can think of to stop hearing the remarks, to stop him from acting like Liam is just a horrible mistake we made and I'm at the end of my rope. Am I over reacting? How can I finally stop this?
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You are absolutely not overreacting. Your husband does not seem to have made the choice you asked him to, nd is instead going to make sure you know how much he resents your son. If he hasn't already, your son will eventually pick up on this, as will your other children. Your husband's behavior is not okay in any way. Unfortunately, you cannot control what he does, only how you respond to it. So, you can't make him stop, but you can set limits (what you will do if he does not stop). Are you willing to continue allowing him to put you and your children through this? If not, and if he does not make a choice to either stop or leave, when will you make the choice?
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No it's not okay for him to behave that way. It's normal for you to feel at the end of your rope. Once you agree to accept a child you do it fully JMHO. No turning back, even when the tough gets going. You just get through it. I can however; see how the choices we make can change our relationships though. I've seen a couple my husband and I are very close with suffer because of a similar decision. If your not on the same page it will not work. However; as sad as it is for the child. You have the marriage you agreed for better or worse, the children you promised a certain life to and that no doubt included their father and mother being together. I don't think all should sacrifice for 1 that wasn't in the deal to begin with JMHO, please don't think I'm judging you. Just a bit of outside perspective is all I'm offering. I couldn't make the choice to leave him either. But I can see how my friend making that choice has changed her life, her two other children and her husband's forever.Its a tricky tricky thing. I hope it all works out for you guys. As another poster said he'll eventually figure it out and resent Dad because of it, just a viscus circle. Kids with these types of horrific brain injuries often have behavior and emotional problems stemming from the damage as well. So I'll keep you in my thoughts I hope it all works out.