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Good afternoon!
Before I begin, I want to say that some of the things I will discuss in this post are controversial topics. I'm not trying to start an online fight, or to suggest that mine is the only right opinion. However, I believe in the things I believe in, and will not apologize for that. I respect your right to believe differently, and am not attacking your beliefs or you personally in any way.
I am interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent (along with my husband) and potentially adopting one or more of my foster children at some point. I have just begun some preliminary research on foster care in my state to see exactly what it is I am signing up for. I have read a few things that bother me, and I'm wondering how those of you who are foster parents (or are planning to become foster parents) have dealt with (or plan to deal with) these issues.
The first - corporal punishment is prohibited. I certainly do not believe in beating a child. I do, however, believe that certain situations warrant a spanking of the rear end. Never done out of anger, always done with a clear mind and restraint. My brothers and I were spanked as children (though rarely) and I have absolutely no issue with spanking. Now, I might be willing to forgo this type of punishment if I agree to be a foster parent, but I highly doubt my husband would. He also believes in spanking, and is a vocal supporter of it.
The second - even more troublesome to me than the first - we must raise a foster child by whatever religion the biological parent chooses.
I am a very devout believer in my faith. My children will be raised in that faith. That means ALL my children (biological and otherwise). If I have to sign a document saying I will not raise foster children in my own religion, I will absolutely not become a foster parent. Is it possible to only accept foster children who are of the same faith my husband and I are or children whose parents have not specified a religion for them? I can't imagine the confusion it would cause all of the children if they were each being raised in a different faith. That doesn't seem healthy to me at all.
Are there any other issues you as foster parents have run in to regarding how you choose to raise your own children verses what the state mandates for your foster children? How do you deal with these issues?
I very much appreciate any constructive insights you may have on these topics.
Thank you!
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In my state we are not allowed to spank foster children or any children in our home while fostering. Regardless of what people believe about corporal punishment, this is not negotiable. Part of this is because, while parents have a legal right to spank, we are not the kids' parents and do not have that right. Also, children in foster care have generally experienced some sort of trauma, often physical abuse, and spanking will mean something very different to them. If you are not willing to forgo spanking, you will not be able to foster. Again, it is not about your beliefs and whether they are right or wrong, but about the needs of the children and the rules of the state.It is the same with religion. Every state has slightly different rules about this, but the children's parents are still legally their parents, and they still have the legal right to make that decision. Some places you will be allowed to take young children to your church and leave them in the nursery but not go to services with them, others they will be able to go, others you might not be able to take them at all. Yes, you can say you will only take children who would be allowed to be raised in your faith. You would need to talk to the licensing workers about whether they would have need of you as a foster parent with that restriction, just like for any other restriction you have. I think this would be an easier issue to work around than spanking.
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Spanking is not negotiable when they are foster children in any state that I am aware of. When they are adopted, it becomes your decision but many times, it would not be an appropriate punishment/discipline method for a child who had been in fostercare.
As for religion, states rules vary significantly, in my current state, you actually have to get the kids to services in their religion. In my last state, you couldn't force them to go to your church but you did not have to take them to yours. Be aware that even if you take kids of only your religion or with no religious preference, you still can't do a lot of things related to some religions because you are not their parents. For instance, you would not be able to baptize a child, have a bat mitzvah or a number of other things that commonly go with certain religions at certain ages. Even if it was your religion and the foster child's religion. In states that use agencies, there are often religious based agencies that would likely be more open to you having religious preferences. A lot of people who foster are devout and are fostering because of a calling from God. So the religion issue is common in theory, but doesn't actually seem to come up that often in real life foster situations.
sarahe484
Good afternoon!
Before I begin, I want to say that some of the things I will discuss in this post are controversial topics. I'm not trying to start an online fight, or to suggest that mine is the only right opinion. However, I believe in the things I believe in, and will not apologize for that. I respect your right to believe differently, and am not attacking your beliefs or you personally in any way.
I am interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent (along with my husband) and potentially adopting one or more of my foster children at some point. I have just begun some preliminary research on foster care in my state to see exactly what it is I am signing up for. I have read a few things that bother me, and I'm wondering how those of you who are foster parents (or are planning to become foster parents) have dealt with (or plan to deal with) these issues.
The first - corporal punishment is prohibited. I certainly do not believe in beating a child. I do, however, believe that certain situations warrant a spanking of the rear end. Never done out of anger, always done with a clear mind and restraint. My brothers and I were spanked as children (though rarely) and I have absolutely no issue with spanking. Now, I might be willing to forgo this type of punishment if I agree to be a foster parent, but I highly doubt my husband would. He also believes in spanking, and is a vocal supporter of it.
The second - even more troublesome to me than the first - we must raise a foster child by whatever religion the biological parent chooses.
I am a very devout believer in my faith. My children will be raised in that faith. That means ALL my children (biological and otherwise). If I have to sign a document saying I will not raise foster children in my own religion, I will absolutely not become a foster parent. Is it possible to only accept foster children who are of the same faith my husband and I are or children whose parents have not specified a religion for them? I can't imagine the confusion it would cause all of the children if they were each being raised in a different faith. That doesn't seem healthy to me at all.
Are there any other issues you as foster parents have run in to regarding how you choose to raise your own children verses what the state mandates for your foster children? How do you deal with these issues?
I very much appreciate any constructive insights you may have on these topics.
Thank you!
What previous posters have said about spanking (or any corporal punishment) is true. Not allowed. Period.
As for the religion piece, we had to sign something saying we would be willing to take a child to services should it be requested as well as allowing a child to "opt out" should they not want to attend our own church. Now we aren't churchgoers and we are only open to babies so I don't really foresee it being an issue for us, but I do know there are things in place for the child to continue in their belief, at least in our state.
Best of luck!
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We are also pro-spanking, but agree with PPs that it is not good for trauma/abuse children. Ours are old enough that it is not even done in our home now, so not an issue.
We made it very clear that any child placed in our home would need to be allowed to attend our church and all church activities with us as a family period. For US it was non-negotiable. We have several families in our church who currently are fostering and have adopted and it has never been an issue with any of our foster kids or those in our church. Our LW knows this and is the LW for all of the families in our small town. She knows none of us would have it any other way. Our homes are still full and it's just never been a issue. If it was an issues we would need immediate removal of the child. Even in MAPP class we were firm. Again, we've never had any issues. It's THE thing we refuse to compromise on in OUR family.
Yes, not spanking is easy to understand when you realize that some of these kids have been severely abused by their parents and do not know that you are trying to keep them safe vs trying to hurt them (we spanked bios once each when they ran in the street, and none of them did it again, and I figure that is what you are talking about). It is funny to put a 6 yr old in a stroller, because telling them that cars will squish them does not seem to click, but I did find a stroller brand that would hold him. :)
We have chosen an agency that is associated with our religion, and when kids are placed with this agency case workers know that the kids will attend worship in our faith. We have never had a child that came to us from any religious background, so it has not been an issue. I would ask your agency about what the plan is if you get a child of a different faith. Once you adopt you can raise them in any religion you want, but as fosters their parents have the right to choose, because the goal is to get the kids home with their parents.
If you could read and study the book: The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and take a look around the website [url=http://www.empoweredtoconnect.org]Empowered To Connect[/url] this will answer a lot of your questions and concerns. Kids with trauma, attachment, abuse, neglect, trust issues are just different. They process COMPLETELY differently than other kiddos. This book and resources from the website will prepare and empower you as parents.
I spanked my older bio kids. I would never ever spank my adopted children because of their backgrounds. I think you will find that alternate discipline works as effective or even more so.
I am Roman Catholic. I made it clear to the agency and CPS that a child coming into my home would attend mass with me. None of the bio families had a problem with it. We were placed with all Hispanic children, but not all were catholic.
Edited: Our agency has an "Opt out" policy like a PP said, but most of my kiddos were infants and toddlers.
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I'm pretty sure that you had your questions answered, but I'll add that we are okay with children of another faith, but we would not accept a child that couldn't come to services or be in the church nursery. I'm in the process of seeking ordination and church is a big part of our family's life. We are actually open to exploring other faiths with children and doing what we can in the home to honor other traditions, but we can't not go to church and we will at least need to be able to tagalong to church activities, even if they aren't activiely engaged.
I also want to add, though, I completely respect a parent who would not want their child to be involved in any religious activity. I would not want to fight that at all. It's just something we do as a family and is important to us, so we want them to know coming in. It remains to be seen whether it will create any issues as we aren't licensed yet (though we're getting close!).
Spanking: Not allowed no matter what, they even make you sign a contract that you won't
Religion: You are not allowed to take them into your religion (while foster, adoption is different) without the parents permission. That being said, you can request kids of your faith but they often will not know at removal time. That is usually not pressing enough for them to find out right away.