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For those who don't know our story, I have a semi-open adoption with my son's bparents, with me scheduled to send pictures and a letter twice a year and no contact from them (their choice; I have invited more contact many times, and I do send updates quarterly instead of twice yearly). I try to be careful not to push too much for more openness or to overwhelm them with contact. I am due to send my next update in June. My son is having surgery in May. It's not major - day surgery, nothing to do with anything remotely close to life-threatening, and there is minimal risk of anything bad happening (as minimal as any surgery can be anyway). I didn't know, last time I wrote, that he would be having surgery, so I didn't mention it. I'm not sure if I should write ahead of time or not. If it were me, I think I would want to know, but I tend to second-guess those thoughts of mine because they don't choose to keep in touch, so I don't know how much they want to know. I don't want to tell them that he had surgery without having told them it was going to happen, because it seems disrespectful. I also don't want to freak them out, since it is pretty minor. Any suggestions?
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We have similar level of openness in our (soon to be) adoption. We have been to the ER a couple times over the last 1.5 years that we have been caring for the kids. I have never told them at the time because I know that they trust me to make safe, healthy choices for the little ones. I have given information in my updates after the fact- for example- "baby boy is being tested for allergies." The back story is that I picked him up from childcare where he was having a severe allergic reaction with lethargy, trouble breathing, and a body rash and he went straight to the ER. My simplified message allowed her to not have to worry, because in the end all he needed was to not be given ammoxicillin again. Had I told her before/during she may have felt that she needed to "do" something for him, etc. But really that is now my job. Again, this is purely what I would do. I think that you will not go wrong either way. I hope that the surgery and recovery is smooth!
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Ruth, if I were your son's bmom, I would defintely want to know about his upcoming surgery. Thank God it's not for something serious...but I would still want to know beforehand. (For those who are new to the forums, I surrendered my newborn son to adoption back in 1972, so I'm answering this question with my bmom hat on.)
We've had some things come up and we've shared them especially when it could affect another child they're raising or could have in the future.For example, I told them we had to take LO to the ER on day 5, and that she had milk/soy protein intolerance. They know the reflux/milk intolerance issues in both children placed with us.I didn't share though when LO fell down the stairs. We went to Urgent care as a precaution, but she was fine with no effects. I got the nervous new mom treatment but I'd rather be safe than have something bad turn up because we didn't check it out.On whether to tell before or not - my decision would be based on - does bmom tend to worry a lot? Are you going to be able to send an update once surgery is over to let her know everything's okay? How serious is the surgery? I would not tell beforehand unless I was willing to text/email etc an update when surgery was done. It's not fair to her. I agree that it will potentially be part of the siblings(if there are any) medical history so at some point, they will need to know.
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As a bmom, I would want to know. My suggestion would be to tell them ahead of time. Just send a brief note letting them know that this surgery came up since your last update and that you wanted them to know. Give them the details and promise to let them know the outcome. Then send another brief note after he's out of surgery and recovering so that they know things went well and they aren't left wondering until June.
Just an update: I actually got a pm from someone with a thought about a specific medical history question that I had not thought of, so I emailed and included both that he is having surgery (which was really my gut feeling to do) and the question. I got an email back from bmom, which is the first contact I have received. Luckily, the question I had is not an issue, so that's one less thing for me to worry about. What he is having surgery for is something they were aware of at birth, so it's not new information to give them; I would definitely have passed it on if that were the case. Bmom also said she has wanted to write before but not known what to say, and I was really glad to hear from her in general. I have really wished for more contact, so I'm hoping maybe this will open that up a little more (I'm still going to be careful not to push too much for more, but I can hope). Thanks for the responses; it definitely was my gut instinct to tell them, but I second guess myself a lot with that, so I really appreciate the confirmation that my instincts were right.
I responded on the other thread and then had a thought when I read more over here, haha. Sometimes being asked questions in a polite, sensitive way about things like that bring some worth to the relationship. I really don't mind when Kiddo's folks ask health questions. I provide what information I can, which is pretty much just about myself since I know very little about my first family. It's a really scary thing to communicate with your child's mom. I always worry I will say the wrong thing too. I always worry I will offend his folks and they will close the adoption. I always worry my words will get twisted into something they aren't (that has happened, the adoption almost closed.) I worry that I will say something that hurts their feelings. I'm glad she's coming around. I have never wanted to be best friends with Kiddo's mom, but maybe a friendly conversational, what are you up to email would be a good place to go next with your boy's birthmom. I know it's tough. There just is no right or easy way to go about such a complicated relationship, especially when one side is so scared.
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belleinblue1978
I'm glad she's coming around. I have never wanted to be best friends with Kiddo's mom, but maybe a friendly conversational, what are you up to email would be a good place to go next with your boy's birthmom. I know it's tough. There just is no right or easy way to go about such a complicated relationship, especially when one side is so scared.