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My wife and I adopted our daughter at the age of 13 (she is a few months from turning 18 now), she was classified as emotional special needs when we adopted her, we knew it would be a tough road but the pain and hurt she has caused our family over the past 4 years has been overwhelming and recently its gotten worse.
A bit of background on our daughter, she is bipolar with borderline antisocial personality disorder. From day one she has lied to us constantly about almost everything, tried to manipulate us, push our buttons, ignore our rules, showed outright defiance towards us, showed no concern for our feelings, used us as punching bags, etc..... Over the past 4 years we have been to so many therapists, we have tried everything we could think of to help her and get thru to her. We made a little progress and some of the defiant behavior subsided, but the lying has always been an issue, so we have no trust at all in her. We know she cares about us but she is unwilling or unable to let those feelings show most of the time.
Once she hit High school drugs and truancy became a big problem, she lost her cell phone for not following rules so she would manipulate her peers into giving her their phone so she could contact her drug friends and skip school. We know her birth mother was an addict before the state took our daughter from her, so she is high risk for abuse of drugs and alcohol. So because of that we withdrew her from public school and enrolled her in a study at home school, her grades improved and she was doing well. Then late last year we caught her with another cell phone belonging to one of her drug friends and found several texts demonizing us, saying she wishes we were dead, etc... She ran away the next day, the police tracked her down and she spent 90 days on informal probation.
Things improved again for a while and then about 2 months ago we found yet another phone on her from the same male drug friend and this time there were images and texts of her smoking weed and drinking alcohol she stole from our house. We also found out she stole all the cash from her 6 year old brother's piggy bank to pay for drugs, she adores her little brother so this was all a major shock because it was such wild uncontrolled behavior that was completely out of character for her. We were able to get her admitted to a psychiatric facility where she was finally given proper meds for her bipolar, but insurance would only approve one week of inpatient treatment and then just 2 weeks of outpatient, she needed so much more but insurance refused to cover anything else. While she was doing outpatient treatment, she started showing significant improvements, she was talking to us more and being more honest about her feelings towards us and she finally admitted she loved us. But then suddenly on the last 2 days of her outpatient treatment she shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone and started the lying again.
My wife and I have been beating our heads against a wall for 4 years with her, so when she started going back to old habits and refused to continue moving forward, we finally hit our wits end and gave her a choice. Either she continue working with us and our therapist to move forward and continue healing, or she can just leave and try to figure it out on her own. She left the very next day, but she at least gave us the courtesy of telling us her choice and saying goodbye.
The stipulations around her leaving were; she could only take as much clothes as she could carry and any toiletries she might need, but nothing else, but all she took were 2 backpacks full of clothes and thats it. Also since she is still legally our responsibility till she is 18, we also needed to know where she is staying and need to have a way to contact her. She gave us a friends name, address, and phone number before she left, but she only stayed there for the first night and has been a ghost ever since. The friend whos number we have says she doesn't know where our daughter is half the time. When she would finally get around to calling us, it was obvious she was high and out of it, but we let it go. She came by yesterday for easter, I picked her up at a completely different location than where we agreed, and when I got there she no one was home and she was lying down in the back of an old car in their yard, it concerned me, but I didn't say anything at the time. She seemed very out of character and I swear she was high on something. She had lost her glasses and was wearing some old ones that were 10+ years old. She stayed for 2-3 hours and then complained of a headache and asked me to take her to a different persons house. She had no bags, no change of clothes, and she didn't seem too concerned about it either. While she was with us we asked her about where she had been staying and what she had been up to and we knew all of it was a lie (we know when she is lying, we've gotten good at reading her tells). We didn't press the issue because we wanted her to have a pleasant time with her brother, but it concerned us.
So right now, knowing she is at risk for drug abuse, and her bouncing around from place to place with no concern for her belongings or others, I fear she is following the drugs and going wherever she can to get her hands on them for free (since she has no job and no money). We want to stick to this decision of tough love and letting her fall and learn the tough lessons, but the fear and worry that she may be headed down the road of addiction scares me to death. I don't sleep at night because I worry about her, and I don't know what to do about this situation. Because if we pursue her and try to help her, it may push her away, but at the same time, if we do nothing she may slide deeper into addiction and then trying to get her into rehab after she turns 18 will be near impossible.
My wife and I love our daughter unconditionally and we only want her to be safe, we are so afraid and worried, the hell we went thru while she was with us seems miniscule to the fear of what she might be getting herself into now. We don't know what to do, we keep telling her we're here and we love her but she doesn't seem to care. The stress of the situation has left me constantly exhausted to the point where I can't sleep, I hardly eat, and I worry about her constantly. Shes my little girl and I don't want to lose her to addiction, nor do I want to push her away. I used to read and research and would always have a handful of options of things to try with her when she acted out to get her to listen, but in this situation I don't have a clue what to do, I'm so afraid of losing her, it hurts so much.
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I'm sorry
It sounds like you've had quite the time of it
I know BPD from the other side.. My mother was diagnosed with it
Living with a borderline personality is exhausting. Their lack of empathy and ease as which lies are created makes it near impossible to reason with them.
Do you and your wife have therapists for you?
I found it helped me
best of luck to you
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I spoke with my daughter yesterday and got a full explanation as to why she was a ghost, apparently her drug friend who had snuck her the phones several times in the past went off the deep end and threatened her physically, stalked her, and then threatened to hurt himself, all because she didn't want to date him. It was a pretty long story and with a story that detailed, not even she was good enough to make all that up, so I believe it was the truth. I explained to her that I knew he was unstable and that was why we were so upset every time she contacted him in the past, so I think she gets it now (small steps). I asked her about the drug use and she swore to me up and down that she had done nothing more than marijuana. I made her look me in the eyes when she told me and while she was dishonest about how much she smokes, she was honest about the fact that its all she has done or has intentions on doing. So I will leave that be for now, there are worse things than marijuana out there and if thats the worst thing she is going to do, then I can't really complain all that much.
She has found a new place to stay long term and I got to meet her roommate, hes a nice guy and seems to have a good head on his shoulder. He was very respectful to me when he met me and I feel better knowing that she has a peer to look out for her and mentor her.
My daughter and I talked for 2 full hours yesterday and she opened up to me more than she ever has in the 4 years she has been with us. I feel like I was finally able to connect with her on a level that was pretty much impossible when she was living with us. So it seems the tough love is actually working, and I feel better about our decision to let her go and about our relationship with her moving forward.
But the struggle I have now is while I knew that adopting a 13 year old meant we would only have 4-5 years with her before she decided to leave, its hard to accept the fact that that time has finally come. I wish we had found her sooner so that we could have had more time to give her the loving environment she so desperately needed in her early years, but also so I could have had more daddy/daughter time with her. Even though she caused us so much pain while she was with us, I saw the wonderful person inside her, and thats the daughter I fell in love with. I know in time she will come back around, she love us and wants to be close to us, but not having her around for those special family moments, family vacations, etc... is hard to take.
I've been on such an emotional roller coaster these past few weeks, and while things with her have improved, there is still much work to be done and many lessons for her to learn as she tries to stand on her own two feet. I want to continue talking with her as often as possible to nurture and grow this new found connection with her, but I need to give her her space to learn to be independent. Its a tightrope walk, I have to find a balance and give her her freedom while doing my best to stay connected and be there for her.
I think I, like may other adoptive parents, went into all this with a certain level of naivety. I knew what to expect from reading and researching, but I never knew how hard and painful this road would be. Honestly it has sucked a lot, but there have been good moments here and there, I still have fond memories of fun times with my daughter and with the family as a whole. All in all, I have learned a lot about myself, my daughter, and psychology in general. It has helped me grow as a person. I am hopeful for the future, but getting there is exhausting, I just hope I can stick with it.